Neglect

[Martsem]

My partner lives with his mother so he looks after her where he can getting food, collecting medication, washing clothes and looking after her cats. He has his own health issues too. She has a daughter but she doesn’t bother to see her mother as she is too busy keeping up with the Joneses. His father went to prison about 15 years ago and it deeply affected her and the house got neglected and is in disrepair. My partner was not there for 13 years as he was married and then lived elsewhere. 3 years ago he moved back home.

When I first met his mother she would drive and walk to the shops. 2 years ago her estranged husband died and she declined and she has only left the house 3 times. Then other tragedies since have depressed her.

I said a few months ago to my partner I think you need to get adult safeguarding involved as she rarely comes downstairs even to make food and he will just take food up to her. My partner said he can’t contact safeguarding as she would go mad. I understand she wouldn’t be happy but it is neglect. Recently she got a kitten which was the last thing that was needed as he is a handful.

She has just been to the doctors as he took her and told she needs to go to hospital straight away as an injury she got while falling over at home isn’t healing. They were waiting for the ambulance to come. The doctors tried to blame him for the delay in coming to them. He did ring recently and then she did a few times but the doctors kept fobbing them off and wouldn’t call back or book an appointment. Sometimes she didn’t want to ring as she was tired.

I know it’s not my business but it’s not right his mother needs help. My partner can just about look after himself. I live elsewhere and don’t want to take on his family as I got enough on my plate with my own parents.

This isn't really making sense. If she doesn't go out, how did she get a kitten? Who is cleaning up after the kitten?

Why couldn't either of them use econsult to let her surgery know about the wound? You can attach photos. They could also contact NHS Direct if they couldn't get through.

His mother sounds like she has capacity, therefore it's up to her if she receives support for her mental health.

Her sister brought the kitten round. She has a cat litter tray and my partner empties it. Yes, they should have contacted NHS direct.

She does have capacity so it is difficult if she doesn’t want help or to get out of bed.

I'm not sure (genuinely) who you think is neglecting her? Is it self-neglect you're worried about? If she has capacity then safeguarding can still be applied but any professional involved would also have to take into consideration her own wishes. It's a tricky situation, because people with capacity have the right to choose to languish in their beds and generally not participate in life. It doesn't sound like there's a physical reason for her to not go to the GP or make food.

Irrespective of anything else, good on you for recognising that this situation isn't your responsibility to take on; it sounds like it has the potential to be all-consuming

he needs to contact adult social services and to hell with her being angry.

But you need to stop the criticism of the sister - even if it's only in your head - your partner was absent for 13 years. He is no better.

I know his sister has her own life too as did he when he was married.

I don’t understand why they have a problem getting extra support. He said the doctors were furious with him when they saw how ill she is as she can’t stand up. He said she has hidden a lot of these issues from her.

It's probably because she's got a severe mental health problem and he's living with her, therefore able to better evaluate her condition.

If she can barely stand how is she going to the toilet?

Well hopefully once she’s been to hospital, they will put a care plan in place.

Your DP is living with her as it suits his current needs? If so, with that he is going to be much more hands on than his sister. Rehome the kitten, should never have accepted it.

The comment about his DS keeping up with Joneses seems unnecessary.

who has hidden the issues from whom? the mum from the sister?

in any case, he now has to decide what is better for his mum: getting her the help she clearly needs, or carrying on like this.

It is up to the sister if she wants to join in or not - but he needs to contact adult social services, sooner rather than later.

The excuse she will go mad is not acceptable. Shes already severely depressed and bedridden and malnourished, if she needs that much care she just needs told straight! theyre neglectful by inaction but the sooner she accepts help her spirits should improve. I couldnt pander to this, there becomes a point when polite sympathy and pussyfooting is ridiculous. Bad things happen to us all but if peoples lives are quite literally dictated by your sadness and refusal of readily available help then someone needs to speak up plainly and tell her they cant cope!

He says the mum hid the issues from him. He’s not always there as he works or sees his children. He’s has tried speaking to her before but she gets irate with him.

I feel the same way. There comes a point where letting someone become bedridden and deteriorate is irresponsible regardless of if they would be annoyed. I have seen how people react when it goes wrong they get the blame but the person who ends up ill saying why did you not say anything.

Ive personally jst gone through a quite significant mental health period and had no idea how badly i was treating those around me or how high maintenance i was and it took a severe trauma to "reset" my brain. Frankly im horrified at how much i refused help and caused hell so this post resonated. id like to think underneath the poor womans current lifestyle she cares about her family and would thank them in the long run. If she doesnt, then im afraid there becomes a point where you cant expect people to drown with you because you wont kick your legs

it's hard, and it is complicated because it's his mum but he needs to get the outside agencies in now and let them do their thing.