Trapped in a Loveless marriage

[Liam2025]

This is quite hard to type. I feel kind of stupid as the answer is easy - walk away, except it's not easy, is it?
My wife and I have been married for nearly 20 years, we have two daughters, aged 17 & 15, and for the last 9 years, our marriage has been in trouble. A few years after our first came along, we started bickering a lot, but in general, we still got on then after our second was born, she closed herself off.
I had to stay away for the occasional night for work, and she'd accuse me of having affairs and using prostitutes and all sorts of nonsense. I have never been unfaithful.
Our sex life has dwindled to zero, I'm now living in a sexless marriage. There are no health issues. She just says she can't be bothered, we don't even sleep in the same room anymore.
We pass the evenings with pleasantries and discuss important issues about the girls, etc, but there's no connection, no spark, no love, I guess. It's been years since she even hugged me! I try and cuddle her occasionally but she just shrugs me off. I guess she's always been a little cold, but I never knew it would end like this.
I try and talk to her and discuss things but she says it's pointless. I have tried writing her a letter to explain how I'm feeling but she isn't interested. I'm lonely I guess.
I know there are two sides to everything but I can't put her side because she never tells me how she's feeling. She seems happy being a married celibate but I'm not. If we split up, it would be so messy, as I know how vindictive she'd be, and we'd both end up living in tiny flats rather than the nice house we have at the moment. I guess I'm torn and also I'm 60 this year and whilst I don't feel old the numbers don't lie. She's 8 years younger than me if that makes a difference. This is not about any menopause or peri-menopause as this has been going on for a long time, I guess I'm just at the end of my tether....
Are there any other people who feel like this? If so what did you do?

This is sad. Sounds like she most likely has some self esteem issues.

By calling her vindictive it sounds like you dislike her more than it just being a sexless marriage.

If you are at the end of your tether then you need to leave and both try and find happiness elsewhere.

No one is going to suggest you stay somewhere that you are deeply unhappy just so you keep a nice house. I don’t see why you are “trapped”.

I’d rather be happy in a tiny flat than unhappy in a nice house…

I agree. I would start thinking about how life would work if you divorced. What good are a nice house if you don't enjoy being in it? What are your options? After you retire, you could move to a cheaper area?

I am going to be brutal. You are not trapped you are just choosing the bigger house rather than a flat. Miserable in a house, unloved, uncared for over living in a flat potentially loved by someone.

Look, your youngest DD needs to be near the school she attends and you need to facilitate a relationship with both of them so you need to be close enough to do that. This may only be short term though. Both your children might go to uni or move away from where you live now with work.

Work out the value of your house, the mortgage, look on Rightmove, start being proactive rather than the hand wringing you are engaging in. You can still get a mortgage at your age, even into retirement. Look into it. London and Country mortgages can advise you for free.

You're only trapped because you'd rather live in a nice house with a woman that you feel is vindictive.

I would suggest that you sit down with her at an agreed time and lay your cards on the table. Suggest that you are nearing the point where you are considering winding up the marriage, and listen to what she has to say. You've written off hormonal issues, but post childbirth can segue into perimenopause and I wouldn't be so quick to rule that out.

You say she never tells you how she's feeling and she seems happy... there's a huge lack of communication here which is causing a bigger issue than the sex you seem to be focusing on. That is where to start, if you haven't already given up.

Explore your options. Get legal advice. Living alone (even in a small flat) is better than being lonely in a marriage.
Is this where you want to be in 10 years?