He made a comment about his ex that really hurt me, and I think I’m done

Externalring · 2025-05-12T18:39:46+00:00

Last night, my (38) boyfriend (47) and I were talking, and he made a comment that’s been stuck in my head ever since. He’s been struggling with some sexual issues lately (erectile dysfunction), and I’ve been nothing but supportive and reassuring him that it doesn’t affect how I feel about him. But then he said: “I know I shouldn’t, but I thought today my ex would be over the moon and laugh. From saying ‘yuck’ to now it not even working.” (Yes he said that!) I’m the one who’s here with him now. I’m the one who cares. But it felt like he was thinking more about what she would think, rather than focusing on us. It made me feel small, like I didn’t matter. Like he’s still carrying this emotional baggage from his past and just dropped it in my lap. When i brought it up he said he didn’t mean it that way, that he’s just struggling and gave “zero fucks” about her but it still made me feel invisible and disrespectful. im honestly now thinking of calling it quits. We have been together for 1 year and were friends for 3 years before we started dating. Has anyone dealt with something similar? I love him, but I’m tired of feeling like I have to constantly absorb his emotional weight especially around intimacy. Quite frankly im too old for this!

namechangeGOT · 12/05/2025 19:43

You know, I’m not sure about this. I can’t make my mind up whether it’s an out of order thing to think (let alone say) or if he’s said it on the back of you being so supportive and making acknowledgment of the fact that the previous woman would not have been ie a compliment to you with regards to how supportive you have been (he still really shouldn’t have said it out loud).

I’ve probably not explained what I mean very well there but I’m inclined to see it as a compliment to you rather than him ‘thinking’ about her in that way.

Sidebeforeself · 12/05/2025 19:44

No you are over thinking this. He is trying to cover up, using admittedly bad humour, just how embarrassed he feels about his ED.

Sidebeforeself · 12/05/2025 19:44

And yes I agree that, in a very clumsy way, he was trying to say to you that his ex wouldnt be as understanding.

OchreRaven · 12/05/2025 19:51

I agree with pp I think he was just trying to make light of it. I don’t think he is thinking about his ex. But I wonder whether you are at the end of your tether with him and looking for a reason to end it? I think you need to be honest with yourself about how you feel.

MissConductUS · 12/05/2025 19:52

Sidebeforeself · 12/05/2025 19:44

And yes I agree that, in a very clumsy way, he was trying to say to you that his ex wouldnt be as understanding.

I agree with this - he was saying that OP is much more supportive than his ex would have been.

Original poster

Externalring · 12/05/2025 19:52

EDIT / CONTEXT:
thank you for the replies, just to clarify, this isn’t about one comment in isolation. It’s part of an ongoing pattern that’s been building for months.

Since early in the relationship, there’s been a heavy focus on sex particularly his obsession with satisfying me, giving me orgasms, and needing to ‘succeed’ sexually. This started after I shared (when asked) that I had only experienced three orgasms in my entire 10-year marriage. That vulnerability has now been turned into a constant fixation like I’m a project to fix or a score to settle. Making comments that make me like im being reduced to just sex like that is all i see in him and only what i care about.

Every conversation about intimacy gets wrapped up in his anxiety, his performance fears, or reassurance-seeking from me. It’s exhausting. I’ve told him multiple times that I care more about connection than performance, but it always circles back.

The comment about his ex wasn’t a one-off joke too it was serious and came in the middle of a long conversation about his fear of not performing. He said, “I thought my ex would be over the moon and laugh” and it wasn’t to praise my understanding, it was to reflect on his own sense of shame.

But hearing that, in that moment, made me feel invisible. I’ve been here, loving him and supporting him—and instead, his mind went back to her, and he brought that into our relationship.

OP posts:

MeganM3 · 12/05/2025 19:57

People have exes. It’s strange that somehow we always want to erase any previous relationships or attachments. So he thought of her. He probably does from time to time, even frequently maybe. It doesn’t mean anything, he’s happy being with you. It isn’t a big deal unless you make it one.

BellissimoGecko · 12/05/2025 20:00

Fair enough. You don’t need to justify to anyone - least of all random people on MN - why you want to end a relationship.

It sounds like there is a lot of baggage and back story. I’m not surprised that you’re done. It’s a lot for a short relationship.

Original poster

Externalring · 12/05/2025 20:03

BellissimoGecko · 12/05/2025 20:00

Fair enough. You don’t need to justify to anyone - least of all random people on MN - why you want to end a relationship.

It sounds like there is a lot of baggage and back story. I’m not surprised that you’re done. It’s a lot for a short relationship.

Thank you

OP posts:

S0j0urn4r · 12/05/2025 20:08

After your update I understand you wanting out.

TwistedWonder · 12/05/2025 20:18

No you’re not too old for this, you’re far too young to be dealing with a man a decade your senior and his erectile dysfunction.

Is he worth the drama?

Sidebeforeself · 12/05/2025 20:25

Bit of a drip feed then

ruddygreattiger · 12/05/2025 20:26

He sounds bloody exhausting, and everything is all about placating/reassuring/bolstering him and his ego.
His ed is his problem to deal with, although between me and some friends that have done online dating, the amount of men in their 50s onwards who literally can't get it up seems to be the norm. So be prepared if you're going for older guys in the future.

Be kind to yourself and end it, he is literally draining your good nature.

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 12/05/2025 20:40

Sidebeforeself · 12/05/2025 20:25

Bit of a drip feed then

Yep! The original comment wasn’t unreasonable at all. It was a criticism of his ex.
But when the responses were not agreeing with OP, more details were added making the partner sound much more difficult.
Have you actually told him how he’s making you feel? Or given him the opportunity to change?
If you want to leave him then just do it. You don’t need anyone’s approval.

caringcarer · 12/05/2025 20:43

She's still in his head.

Original poster

Externalring · 12/05/2025 20:49

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 12/05/2025 20:40

Yep! The original comment wasn’t unreasonable at all. It was a criticism of his ex.
But when the responses were not agreeing with OP, more details were added making the partner sound much more difficult.
Have you actually told him how he’s making you feel? Or given him the opportunity to change?
If you want to leave him then just do it. You don’t need anyone’s approval.

Show quote history

Yes, I have talked to him many times, actually. And the update wasn’t me trying to ‘make him sound more difficult,’ it was giving people the full picture, because the original post didn’t reflect the ongoing emotional pattern.
I’m not here asking for anyone’s approval. This is a public forum, and I shared because I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting, or maybe just needed a space to vent my frustration. I don’t have anyone in real life to talk to about this. That’s all.

OP posts:

Clownsy · 12/05/2025 20:56

ruddygreattiger · 12/05/2025 20:26

He sounds bloody exhausting, and everything is all about placating/reassuring/bolstering him and his ego.
His ed is his problem to deal with, although between me and some friends that have done online dating, the amount of men in their 50s onwards who literally can't get it up seems to be the norm. So be prepared if you're going for older guys in the future.

Be kind to yourself and end it, he is literally draining your good nature.

This.
Listen to your gut.
You sound like his mother.
Far too much effort....one year.
Exhausting.

AliBaliBee1234 · 12/05/2025 21:06

Externalring · 12/05/2025 19:52

EDIT / CONTEXT:
thank you for the replies, just to clarify, this isn’t about one comment in isolation. It’s part of an ongoing pattern that’s been building for months.

Since early in the relationship, there’s been a heavy focus on sex particularly his obsession with satisfying me, giving me orgasms, and needing to ‘succeed’ sexually. This started after I shared (when asked) that I had only experienced three orgasms in my entire 10-year marriage. That vulnerability has now been turned into a constant fixation like I’m a project to fix or a score to settle. Making comments that make me like im being reduced to just sex like that is all i see in him and only what i care about.

Every conversation about intimacy gets wrapped up in his anxiety, his performance fears, or reassurance-seeking from me. It’s exhausting. I’ve told him multiple times that I care more about connection than performance, but it always circles back.

The comment about his ex wasn’t a one-off joke too it was serious and came in the middle of a long conversation about his fear of not performing. He said, “I thought my ex would be over the moon and laugh” and it wasn’t to praise my understanding, it was to reflect on his own sense of shame.

But hearing that, in that moment, made me feel invisible. I’ve been here, loving him and supporting him—and instead, his mind went back to her, and he brought that into our relationship.

I still don't really think it was him being horrible.
It seems like you are angry at him in general?

Original poster

Externalring · 12/05/2025 21:14

Thank you to those who responded with empathyI. appreciate it. I’ve decided to step away from this thread now. I didn’t come here for approval, just clarity, and I’ve got what I needed. Wishing you all the best

OP posts:

Sassybooklover · 12/05/2025 21:20

I think you have misunderstood. He was essentially saying his ex wouldn't have been supportive and would have laughed at him. Whereas you have been nothing but supportive and understanding. All he was doing was comparing her horrible attitude to your more caring attitude.

Smithey885 · 12/05/2025 21:35

As a young(ish) male who has been through absolute hell with ED, I can understand where he was coming from although I think it was worded incorrectly.

I had a relationship ended due to my ED, it was an otherwise good relationship but the lack of physical intimacy broke us. She wasn’t particularly supportive and man me feel very emasculated.

Now I’m fixed, and better than ever, I sometimes think about how she’s missing out and ‘if only she waited another 6 months…’

Would I say this to a current partner, no, there is absolutely no need to, have I thought about it on more than one occasion, yes! Does that mean I still care for her and wish I was with her……HELL NO!!!