Husband’s ex getting in touch with him after 30 years?

[Shouldntbutdo]

Married for nearly 30 years. Married young. Not the best marriage- we are more friends than anything else, but we do a lot of things together/depend on each other. His ex got in touch (he told me) on some spurious grounds, asking for professional advice but 🤷‍♀️. I don’t want to ask too much or seem needy but I don’t think it would take much for him to wander… WWYD?

If he told you about it then I wouldn’t be too concerned.

However obviously you are worried so I would assume you don’t trust him?

Has he ever done anything that would show he isn’t trustworthy or is this because you don’t think your relationship is worthy of fidelity?

If “it wouldn’t take much to make him wander” then I think you have bigger i

Oops….

bigger issues than an ex getting in touch.

In terms of WWYD I be speaking to DH about couples counselling to try and save the marriage or calling time on it.

Probaby the latter in light of your post.

I don't think it would take much for him to wander

Why?

Sexless marriage, coming up for 2 years

Ask him how he feels about it.

Who isn’t wanting sex? Both of you? Have you discussed this?

For some reason, after being a very tight unit for nearly 30 years, I don’t feel able to talk about this with him. I think because it would throw a light on how we are not a romantic couple anymore. Just a loving couple. Which we are.

It sounds like you both have been taking each other for granted and it's only now that someone from his past has popped up that you are appreciating what you have (or do you?). If there isn't much romantic love but just dependability between you then it's time to make the decision to either try and re-vamp your relationship or just not have one. What do you think he wants?

I think the fact he told you, says a lot about the kind of man your married too, in a positive way! 🩷 This is him being totally transparent with you, and being honest, which is great!
I would also say, the fact your concerned about him straying, would also suggest your marriage potentially isn't as bad as you think it is? I may be totally wrong, just from what I've read! I don't feel a sexless marriage is the end of your marriage either. You just have to have open and honest communication flowing to ensure you are both still happy with one another! Good luck x

What would be worse; to feel insecure in your long relationship and to live in fear of him straying, and / or him actually doing it. Or having a conversation about where your relationship is now and where it’s going. It sounds like this chapter of your marriage you feel is coming from him not you? What do you want? To continue as you are, to revert to a romantic relationship, or to call it a day?

Did he say what the circumstances were about getting in touch, it does seem very odd after 30 years to be about work, unless he's the world's one and only specialist on something that she has suddenly become involved in. Maybe her circumstances have changed and she's fishing

do you want to resume sexual relations with your husband? why did things change? ( you don’t need to answer but think about it)

Thank you all for your replies. The sexless marriage thing is probably more him than me. Although he would say the opposite I think. I know that sounds weird.
He has a history of porn addiction which has undermined my confidence to the point where I have just given up trying to be sexually attractive to him. I can’t compete with the porn?
I don’t really understand why this ex thing has made me jealous when we are not a sexual couple.
Reading that back has made me think, yes, counselling would be a good idea .

You’re not a sexual couple because he has made you feel undesirable not because you don’t desire sex and intimacy with him. So it’s understandable that his ex being on the scene has created insecurity.

The only way to overcome this is to start talking. I think couples therapy is a good idea. Even if it’s not fixable it will give you a framework for what you both want out of it.