Is name calling normal or forgivable?

[Violetsareblue639]

just wanted views on whether name calling by soon to be ex DH during arguments was normal or forgivable? Apart from this trait he was generally kind and generous. No DCs. I know it is unacceptable but I was always blamed for making him angry. I would tell him to stop and he did eventually about 2 years ago, but the past incidents and exact phrases have stayed with me and caused resentment.

Were together 17 years - he recently ended relationship for a variety of reasons, which include me over reacting and being too emotional (zero appreciation for menopause by the way). I am heartbroken he ended it but he is done.

Just to add I absolutely never called him names back

Name calling is never normal under any circumstances (to family members, friends, colleagues or strangers).
I've never been subjected to it by anyone and have never done it to anyone, not even my dogs. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I've ever witnessed this.
I do name call idiot drivers though, with windows firmly shut so nobody can hear me, but only as a release of annoyance. But I can perfectly well not do this is I choose to.
So I can't see any justifiable reason why you have been subjected to this. Inexcusable.

I'll go against the grain and say I think some of it depends on how you speak to each other in general terms and acceptable language.

At our most angry DH and I will each other a word that would have most people (on here) leaving their marriages. But for us it's a word we use, and it's our signal we are at extreme anger levels. With that said, we have never once, not once, insulted each other personally, picked on a faults or said anything that would hurt the other for the sake of it anger.

So it depends on the couple.

If it was a boundary for you, he should have respected that.

Not normal or acceptable to me. The only names my DP calls me are; gorgeous, beautiful and my lovely.....

No and no.

I agree with this.

I think the majority are going to say never normal, shouldn’t be tolerated etc.

But for me, depends on the person.

We don’t name call often and there are definitely things that would be ‘too far’
But if my DH is being a prick, I’m going to tell him he is- and likewise for him.

I think if it's a regular thing / pattern of behaviour then it's abusive.

I could understand it happening in a moment of pain or something, but it would have to be very out of character and at an extreme, and apologised for afterwards.

I wouldn't tolerate being called names or sworn at as any kind of normal.

No - it's never acceptable.

My ex husband used to call me fat, ugly and sexually undesirable every time we had an argument and would also complain that I didn't initiate sex enough. I was a size 12 at the time. He did me a favour leaving for the OW.

DP and I occasionally argue but we always stick to the issue and never resort to personal insults or name calling. Funny thing is that I'm a size 18 now and he always tells me how beautiful I am.

It's not ok. Speaking to your partner with real venom is so damaging for the relationship.

You were over-reacting and being too emotional? Anger is an emotion. So it sounds like he was being over-emotional, especially if he was angry enough to be calling you names. Sounds like he was incredibly over-emotional.

Also blaming you for his anger? No, that isn’t a person who is kind. I think you’re mistaken. Also, it’s easy to appear “kind” when everything is going one’s way, and people are tip toeing around you so you don’t get angry and call them names, right?

If it’s a regular occurrence then no it’s not acceptable. However I’ll also say that rarely, in the heat of the moment, (twice in thirty odd years from me) then I have gone nuclear and let rip with some rather accurate words. Not my finest moments. But I think it’s much more unacceptable to be chipped away at day in day out (which is what I had for a period of time - think months - before I did indeed explode).

But yes, harmful hurtful words are abusive.

My husband went through a period of name calling.

I told him I was leaving him and he put himself in therapy and has been there ever since. It's been 10 years.

He's not called me a name since.

Is it normal? No. Is it acceptable? No. Can you get through it? Sure but it takes a hell of a lot of work and and they have to want to do it and do it under their own volition.

Blaming you for making him angry is absolutely textbook abusive behaviour.

Be glad you've got rid of him and don't have to put up with it any more.