Partner needs more affection, cuddles and love from me

[Charlie12023]

Hello, wondering if anyone has this issue with their boyfriend at all, as its making me look like I am really cold person when I know im not.

We have only been together a year, live together and spend pretty much everyday together unless we are working. He is the most loving and generous soul and treats me incredibly well the best I have ever had. Im 50/ hes 54.

When it comes to weekends, we will do so much that at night I truly am shattered, I actually feel lazy when not doing things with him, which requires physical work in the house or anything else as my partner is wired and always working on something, but he works hard and I have to admire him for this.

At times though I need some down time and just to read, walk, see friends, go running and this I would like to do alone, he doesnt quite get that as he likes to come out with me whilst running and him on the bike, he is happy to see me all the time admits this and spend all that time with me. He admitted he doesnt want to go away with his friends abroad as he doesnt want to leave me, whereas I wouldnt mind if he did and for me too as well.

When we first got together I was close with him, also in bed too, but I felt this was the honeymoon period....and this changes in time, more so when you live together. I still hold his hand when out, or in the car and I am in close on the sofa its just in bed he wants more. Trust me physically we have a great sex life and no issues there but its not everynight!!

We only just moved house and at times it feels like I am running around like a headless chicken, so when he wants more cuddles, kisses/affection and says to me you don’t feel the same anymore, or I don’t want to be taken for granted as I feel you do now, it shocks me when he says this and makes me feel anxious. As I definitely don’t take him for granted or us, its just we are always doing and spending time together and Im worn out and wish I just did things myself at times then saw him afterwards without feeling guilty.

I would then I feel, give him more of my love/affection/time. I have also spent more time single for around 4/5 years prior to meeting him whereas he has only been single months in all his 54 years and 2 very long term relationships one of 16 years the other of 14.

We are both very loving/generous people and we both treat I felt each other really well and appreciate the other, but the minute I don’t give that affection back/he feels unattractive and insecure and it then creates this pressure and he starts getting upset/angry and low.

I try saying to him that its how its delivered it makes me feel stifled and its when we have time apart you will notice I am different, as I do need at times more space as otherwise for me it can feel smothering, holding hands 24/7, on the sofa too and in bed too, Im not use to this as my parents never showed affection it comes in waves with me and at times when it feels natural not forced to give him this when he needs it. Then he gets the best out of me and its a nice compromise.

Is this normal or am I being unfair?

I felt we have a really good future together and can see myself with him, the first in a long time I have felt this way but has anyone over come this with someone and its a compromise? as thats what I am asking for with him and to talk about this but he say he cant talk about this as it will feel forced as its related to his affections/emotions?

Any advice….I love him dearly, I would hate to think the more he is around me, the more I feel pressured and it will pull us apart to the point of feeling bad about this in myself!
thank you v much for reading.

He is the most loving and generous soul and treats me incredibly well

He really isn’t and he doesn’t He’s a controlling, manipulative, suffocating twat and his behaviour is abusive

You’ve rushed into this too quickly, moving in together before you really knew him and now his true smothering, controlling colours are coming out. The red flags are huge

It’s nothing to do with not wanting to be apart from you and everything to do with training you to do exactly what he demands otherwise he kicks off

Read back what youve written OP and see the huge controlling red flags hes waving in your face

It sounds like it was a bit soon to move in together. Tbh I can relate as I always moved in much too quickly in the past. I was chronically needy and chose needy men. They always dumped previous activities abd friends to be with me 24/7 and it was really difficult at times, though the needy part of me liked it of course.

Tbh only 4 years of therapy sorted things out a bit more. Once I met dp i refused to let him cancel even one arrangement with friends to be with me.

If he's a good guy and lots going well, then maybe this is fixable, but you're going to have to be quite tough. Couples therapy would be hugely helpful I think. A lot more, 'nope, I'm going put on my own, see you later' (perhaps with more notice than that).

If he loved you he would respect your desire for some space, he doesn't care about your needs at all.

The first poster is right, take a deeper look at his behaviour, this is not a nice man.

You are describing someone who, at 54, can not tolerate an adult conversation about preferences in how another adult spends her time, sits, runs, rests, etc…

He can not manage being alone or the experience of distance in the relationship. He interprets your normal boundaries (not now, I would like to be alone, physical separation on the couch) as loss or abandonment. That is a very infantile level of psychological development. It could be tolerable if he was self aware enough to know it was a problem and inappropriate in an adult relationship. But apparently he refuses to know that he is overstepping your natural boundaries.

If he can’t/won’t acknowledge your right to decide on the appropriate level of touch and time together and can only sulk snd punish you then I think you have to consider ending the relationship. Whether he intends it or not his behavior is controlling, abusive, and very detrimental to you. Bodily autonomy and private time to rest snd recharge are as necessary to you as food and water. He must not be permitted to comandeer every minute and all of your attention.

Awful behaviour from him, won’t even let you have a run on your own. You have jumped in way too fast, he is really controlling.

Thank you everyone, I think I will put into place what i want to do now and see what happens, might be more to see if he reacts, let him if not it works for us both as there has to be some balance surely? Otherwise I am always exhausted and wanting time out which is what is happening and I want to look after my mental health!!

Do you actually see your friends on your own, or are you not seeing anyone without him there?

He's being smothering and controlling.

Ending up isolated because of him is a classic sign of what often leads to an abusive relationship.

You need to stand up against him and let him be sad/grumpy, if you intend to stay with him.

If it's genuinely insecurity, he could work on that with therapy. He needs to sit with his discomfort and learn to manage it.

If it's actually about control, he won't do the work but will expect you to limit yourself to appease his uncomfortable feelings.

Go see your friends, say no to him, allow yourself personal space.

I feel very suffocated and exhausted reading about how you don’t have any time by yourself. Your relationship doesn’t sounds healthy and I think you need to have a serious think about things. You need to out boundaries in place and be able to communicate about your needs. And if he leaves because of that then let him. You cannot keep being controlled by a man in the way you are now.

Thank you, yes I do go and see my friends without him but I feel its not enough, I miss not going to my running club alone which I have just joined a new one as it goes and will go twice a week if he doesnt like it thats his issue as afterwards I will see him, its just something I love to do, and like you say which is true, if he doesnt like it he needs to sit with it, as I think his exes were all very controlling of him whereas thats just not me! I like them to embrace freedom!!

God he sounds like a 16 year old.

Stage IV clinger and he's very controlling. He won't let you get any time alone. He's got you going until you're physically exhausted in the day then expects sex every night.

You moved in with him way too fast. There were red flags in that on his adult life, he's only been alone for a period of a few months.

"he starts getting upset/angry and low."

When you don't give him what he wants, matching his love energy and making him feel desired 24/7, he starts getting angry.

This is all about getting his wants met, not yours, including your physical need for downtime and mental need for alone time. He's ignoring that he's wearing you out physically and I have to wonder if that's an abuse tactic.

Thank you, makes sense, might be why i feel exhausted here and worn out and my body is craving this desperately too, I am finding when I do go out or see people I am exhausted and I need him to realy do things without me and have a life seeing his family/friends which is healthy or make new ones since he moved down to live with me and he took that decision seriously which wasnt an issue as it felt right but now i do feel i want this time for me and miss my fitness terribly but I am putting it back into my life now slowly which will make me so much happier in myself and looking forward to it too :)

Make sure you regain your life OP otherwise you are going to disappear. If he gets angry or upset over you putting in boundaries then let him and don't give in as that is how "training" begins. It is a control and abusive tactic and quite frankly, your whole post is shouting out that you are in an abusive relationship already. Since you won't leave perhaps you can start reading about how abusive relationships start and what signs to look out for. Read up about the shark cage analogy, and look into the freedom programme. He's already smashed through all your boundaries but there's still a spark of you inside going "wtf?" Start saying no.

Good Grief! Tell him to get a dog!!

No, in all seriousness, this isn't normal, and speaks of porential co-dependance and controlling behaviour.

First reply nails it

My best friend had a partner like this. He always had to be touching her. Either holding her hand, stroking her hair, wanting constant affection. He stopped seeing his friends and parents because he wanted to spend time with her. I bought us tickets to see a play as a birthday present( milestone birthday) and he tried to book a seat as well but wasn't sure where we were sitting.
She finally got the ick when one evening she got up to use the toilet and he whimpered like a puppy.
He wasn't young either, she was 40 and he was 38.

He thinks you’re his support human, without needs of your own.

🤮 don't blame your friend at all!