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Relationships

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Original poster

Colleague tried to kiss me…

12 replies

Tulip6452 · 12/05/2025 08:23

Need advice. Am happily married, three dc. Have been married 14 years. Have worked for the same company for just under ten years. Get on well with colleagues. There is one male colleague who I wouldn’t say I was very close to at all, would not even use the word friend, but we always got on well whenever we spoke and to be honest there was a bit of a spark there. I’m not naive enough to think that in a long marriage you don’t find other people attractive from time to time. Nothing untoward happened ever (until recently). No social media connections, only send work messages when necessary (rarely, we have very different roles), don’t even have his mobile number. So all fine, and whilst I did think he was attractive and good fun, and I enjoyed having the odd chat with him, I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong.

anyway last week we went to a work conference for a few days together, along with a few others. I remember randomly thinking ‘I need to keep my distance’ which I was surprised by - but the last few months I have noticed him holding my eye a few times, maybe being slightly more flirtatious than normal. So I did keep my distance however one evening I was walking back to my hotel room and he called my name and said he’d walk back with me as he was on the same floor. Ok…then when it came to say goodnight he tried to kiss me. I feel really bad saying that I was slightly tempted, but then I moved back and said that i didn’t think it was a good idea. He apologised and said he really liked me. He is married with children by the way! Anyway so rather awkward.

next day went home. Saw him in the office once since we got back, it was a bit awkward but civil. But I don’t know, I just feel really awkward about the whole thing. Did I lead him on? My friend says I should report it to HR but I really don’t want to do that, because maybe I am slightly culpable. I am sad as well that somebody who I enjoyed having a chat to, made work a bit more fun - well that’s all gone now of course it can’t go back to that. Plus feel very guilty that I was tempted, in.a kind of twenty year old ‘fuck it’ kind of way. Haven’t told dh.

OP posts:

Lamelie · 12/05/2025 08:29

No harm done. You did the right thing noticing you should keep your distance beforehand and rebuffing him when he tried to kiss you.
And don’t even begin to feel guilty!

Hadalifeonce · 12/05/2025 08:29

He tried to kiss you, you told him you were slightly tempted...... Then said it wasn't a good idea, you both said goodnight. End of. I am not sure what you would report to HR?

It will probably be a bit weird for a while, but I am sure, as professionals, you can work around it.

Farkinhell · 12/05/2025 08:30

I disagree with your friend. I don't think this is HR territory. Lesson learned. He tried, you said no and it ended. It'll get less weird and awkward with time.

Radiatorvalves · 12/05/2025 08:31

He’s made an inappropriate pass at you - from your description I don’t think you’ve led him on. It doesn’t sound like you personally feel threatened so I can understand not wanting to report it. However, does he make a habit of this? What if he hit on someone who was less able to tell him to stop? Could you think about logging it with HR and asking them not to do anything now, but if they are aware or become aware that he’s done other sleazy things, you’d be willing to go on record.

healthybychristmas · 12/05/2025 08:33

Why on earth would you report this to HR? What does it have to do with them? He's not your senior and he didn't try to coerce you. He tried it on and you rejected him. Just try not to get into any conversation about it now. I certainly wouldn't tell anybody about it at work or at home for that matter.

Sassybooklover · 12/05/2025 08:36

I would say that he misinterpreted your friendliness for something else. It's possible he picked up on the fact you found him attractive, I don't know. Take the moral situation of the fact you're both married away for a moment. He made a mistake, in trying to kiss you but apologised once he realised his mistake. I wouldn't report him to HR. The situation is done and dusted, he apologised. Obviously if he'd forced the issue or now starts being nasty towards you because you rejected him, that's different. Keep your distance, and no the friendship won't be the same again, because it can't.

Original poster

Tulip6452 · 12/05/2025 08:41

Thank you everyone. You’ve reassured me on the HR point. I think my friend was thinking that he made me feel uncomfortable…but only because he tried to kiss me in itself, not because he was unpleasant. He certainly wasn’t nasty at all. In fact he couldn’t get away quick enough! I think was very embarrassed. He’d had a couple of drinks with some of the others in the bar so probably he lost his inhibitions.
@Sassybooklover yes you’re right the friendship (if that’s what it was, I would call it more an acquaintance that I enjoyed, it wasn’t close enough for that) is over. Which is sad, having a bit of ‘banter’ (sorry I hate that word but ykwim) every now and then when grabbing a coffee/walking around office was fun. But it’s over.
ok feel a bit less bad now.

OP posts:

JustAnInchident · 12/05/2025 08:49

I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about, there was no inappropriate contact or intention from your side and you actively thought that you need to create some distance. You didn’t kiss him, and shut it down there and then. Obviously you know you now can’t be friends or even friendly acquaintances, so politely professional and keeping your distance it is!

I don’t think it’s a HR issue either, I feel that would be giving legs to a bit of a nothing situation, personally!

StarlightLady · 12/05/2025 08:54

JustAnInchident · 12/05/2025 08:49

This! 100% this.

MsDogLady · 12/05/2025 23:21

@Tulip6452, I agree that you have kept appropriate boundaries with your colleague all along, and when you clocked his recent interest you kept a healthy distance. He made the choice to make a move, so you drew a line.

It’s unfortunate that he failed to respect your/his marriage and family, thereby quashing your friendly, enjoyable association.

I feel for his Wife and children. He is a cheat.

Sockmate123 · 12/05/2025 23:26

Do not go to HR. Jesus. Mortifying for both of you. He didnt SA you, hes not senior to you etc that would absolutely just blow the whole thing up. Things will settle and become easier with time.

Notsosure1 · 13/05/2025 05:05

Tulip6452 · 12/05/2025 08:41

His poor wife and kids. If just having a few drinks lowers his inhibitions enough to kiss and who knows what if you’d not said no - what’s that say about the contempt he shows for his marriage and family.

Well done on doing the right thing, OP. I suspect many men wouldn’t have in your position, even if only out of awkwardness at a female colleague making a move and not wanting to make her feel bad (🤷‍♀️) And bloody well done for drawing a line under your interactions with him. Again, many wouldn’t, you obviously value your marriage a great deal and are a decent person.

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