Tired of making all decisions!

[SugarSpice2020]

Any other women else married / long-term r’ship w kids and SO tired of making all decisions? And telling kids what / not to do all the time?! Exhausting. Things aren’t going that well between hubby & me, & today - being mother’s day in US - I guess I felt extra disappointed that he apparently made no plans. (When I come up w nearly every other idea in our life, be it weekend outings or suggesting a game to play w our 5 year old).

He vaguely suggested we all go for a bike ride earlier but child refused, so I said fine I’ll go alone, pls take her to playground. Then came lunch - I suggested a picnic in nearby park - did he plan food? No, asked me if he should go to shops for supplies. Don’t think I heard him / sometimes i just can’t think straight & make a decision, w things going on in the house. Ended up making my own dry sandwich ;).

By afternoon - after going to a place I suggested - the resentment had built up & I asked him if he’s actually planned ANYTHING. (Managed a hallmark card, no personal msg). That made him defensive & we had a row.

Basically, and I suppose what I’ve been feeling for ages, is he’s a decent husb & father but seriously lacks ideas, creativity & initiative. Not sure how much more I can stand…it’s impossible to hold in my thoughts, but splitting up would not be easy, or I dare say at all pleasant.

are any other women in similar situations? What are you doing / have you done to address such a personality mismatch?! Clearly people can’t really change. Thx!

He’s useless. Why are you with a manchild???

Tangential but serious: Why does your child get to “refuse” ?? As children (up to age 16 or so) we did as we were told.

I don't understand why people have such unrealistic expectations and then get upset when they're not met.

Does he usually plan amazing activities and buy gifts or is he usually a selfish prat? If he's a selfish prat then take it as read you won't be amazed on your birthday either.

I start announcing 2 weeks before my birthday or similar day off that I really like a day where I don’t have to make decisions. And repeatedly make comments about how I like other people to plan and organise the day. DH and DC have now got the message.

@SugarSpice2020 that sounds like you have expectations and he is in the dark about the "something" that would hit the mark. Him lacking in creativity or deferring to you, no plans are made. I think you have answered your own question.

In the lead up, mention that it is mothers day to both parent and child and tell them what you want, like and expect rather than hope, wait then grouse.

Give them a list or put strips of paper in a jar and child select one. Big secret, dont tell mum type of thing? Can even "colour by numbers" and list

1. Choose an ITALIAN restaurant
2. Google their tel no and book (or online www.blah-blah-blah.com
3. Book it for lunchtime
4. Make a card
5. On the day, bring the card with a cup of tea
6. Try making cookies or just ice bought ones
7. Deliver card and cookie with a cuddle
8. Tell me what time lunch is and what time we leave
9. Leave for restaurant to arrive 10 mins early to find parking

10. Have fun

Laborious, yes,.but they are a child and if he is clueless, its an ABC of what you want and how to do it.

It isnt intended to demean or de-skill - it is to assist (when inspiration isnt there).

If something doesnt change, the situation wont either (yes it is more "to do" but they mske the decisions)
X

So the op has to plan the whole thing but in a roundabout way that treats the child and her husband as if they’re the same age? Presumably he’ll do exactly the same thing for the op for Father’s Day - or will the op with her ‘lady brain’ magically be able to make a nice day without being handheld through it?

He doesn’t read like a decent husband @SugarSpice2020 . It reads like you’ve fallen into stereotypical roles where all the ‘thinking’ in the home has fallen to you. I assume he doesn’t need to be handheld through things at work, you deserve better than having someone who can’t even think of one or two basic things you’d enjoy. How is he on your birthday/Christmas/other celebrations? Did he do anything for his own mother?

Bloody hell 😅

Bloody hell in deed, @SillyOP

Change something - talk to DH/child
Suggest how they (@sugarspice2020 and family) can plan/what you would like to happen
Why you are frustrated (like they dont care)

If it takes a step by step list, no excuse for either side to whinge 😃

Personally, I think communication is the issue in the relationship but that wasnt what OP asked for input on... x

Thx all!
yes, I don’t have a ton of expectations around ‘occasions’ - eg I knew I wasn’t likely to get an original sonnet or something in the card! - but I did expect SOMETHING personal (esp on the back of a convo we’d had 2 days prior, about feeling appreciated).

I agree I’ll have to be specific for future on what would make me happy - our 9 year anniversary is coming up end of May 😧- so we ought to discuss. Time seems to fly & before I know it it’s too late to be proactive. And yes, if I don’t initiate a convo on planning for these occasions, he rarely does.
someone asked if he plans for his own mother - no! She lives abroad but it’s also usually been me saying ‘shall we send a card / gift’ etc etc.

I know he cares, does chores, looks after child when I need a break, has bought me nice gifts in past. I guess occasions aren’t his love language ;) or not a big deal (inc major holidays like Xmas). And he’s not good at being proactive in discussing plans prior. Very last-minute with this kind of stuff.

what do you do however, if you realise this is just not the person you want to spend the next 40-50 years with?! Divorce isn’t an easy option & not necessarily the best.
has anyone else mutually agreed to an emotional split - ie both partners free to meet someone else - but continue to function and live as a family?