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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sex help !

18 replies

Lia44 · 11/05/2025 22:47

Been with my partner a year, in the beginning he would often lose his erection get going again and we’d carry on. This didn’t really do anything for my self esteem I kept thinking it was my fault.
things have since improved but he often stops sex and finishes by hand which I find weird as I’ve never had a partner do this before. What could the reason be ?for information he has a small penis so I’m thinking maybe the sensation isn’t there ? Tia

OP posts:
GivingUpFinally · 11/05/2025 22:55

Does he finish too quickly otherwise? Might be he's trying to make sure you've had your orgasm (s)

Lia44 · 11/05/2025 23:00

No he never finishes quickly but he always finishes a few minutes by hand

OP posts:
qbk9 · 11/05/2025 23:02

I don’t know, but I don’t think I’d stick around to find out.

Octoberdreaming · 11/05/2025 23:02

Best thing to do is speak to your partner about it.

Summerhillsquare · 11/05/2025 23:04

Ex BF was like that. Think he'd got too used to his own company.

ETA it autocorrected to excellent boyfriend. Reader, he was not.

OudAndRose · 11/05/2025 23:05

Summerhillsquare · 11/05/2025 23:04

Ex BF was like that. Think he'd got too used to his own company.

ETA it autocorrected to excellent boyfriend. Reader, he was not.

Edited

Yeah I would suspect this too (though I think you mean ex vs excellent!)

MiloMinderbinder925 · 11/05/2025 23:19

Some men grip hard when masturbating and need a firmer grip to get off.

flossydog · 11/05/2025 23:47

MiloMinderbinder925 · 11/05/2025 23:19

Some men grip hard when masturbating and need a firmer grip to get off.

Yeah, the most obvious answer is he gets himself off with a "death grip" and has ruined regular sex for himself. If he lays off the pornography a month or so, it should go back to normal.

There are other possibilities of course, like maybe medically he really lacks sensitivity due to some nerve issue... but in most cases like this, the problem is self-inflicted.

TipsyJoker · 12/05/2025 00:24

flossydog · 11/05/2025 23:47

Yeah, the most obvious answer is he gets himself off with a "death grip" and has ruined regular sex for himself. If he lays off the pornography a month or so, it should go back to normal.

There are other possibilities of course, like maybe medically he really lacks sensitivity due to some nerve issue... but in most cases like this, the problem is self-inflicted.

This. He’s a wanker and watches too much porn.

MrsPeterHarris · 12/05/2025 01:06

I agree with @flossydog - personally I’d get rid!

jubs15 · 12/05/2025 07:15

My ex could never finish during sex and either went without an orgasm or had to be finished by hand. I still had to grip him really hard and go fast, for ages. He had a porn addiction and despite speaking to him about its effects on our sex life and my self esteem he did nothing about it, so I left. I hope your partner is willing to prioritise you over porn (if that's the reason), otherwise this will not get better.

OchreRaven · 12/05/2025 07:36

He has the symptoms of a porn addiction. It could be something else but you need to talk to him. It’s unlikely he’ll admit he has a problem with porn but if it’s not the issue he may be open to talking about any medical issues he has.

Problem is, if he’s not getting off from sex, in the future as you become more settled in your relationship he won’t bother doing it. Then you will be posting here about your sexless relationship. Unless he’s willing to be transparent about it and understands the impact on you I would move on. No point investing in a relationship that will leave you unsatisfied.

Sunshineandrainbow · 12/05/2025 07:40

Does he make sure you are satisfied?

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 12/05/2025 07:45

I don’t disagree with PPs as porn could definitely be the problem… but to play devil’s advocate for a second maybe he just likes to end that way? You say he “stops sex” - I’m assuming by that you mean intercourse. Have you offered to do by hand (etc) yourself? If so, how does he respond?

Init4thecatz · 12/05/2025 07:49

Lol, that took all of five seconds go diagnose him with death grip and porn addiction.

I'm guessing you're (OP) 44, and would guess he's older? Sexual performance and desire drops for both men and women, and if he hasn't been with someone for a while, he's probably just out of practice.

Is he a nice guy? That's all that matters.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 12/05/2025 16:48

What's his general fitness like?

I had a girlfriend in my 20s who I found it almost impossible to orgasm during penetrative sex with, for two reasons.

  1. Apologies in advance for the TMI, but she produced a truly ridiculous amount of self lubrication. By itself that probably wouldn't have been a problem, things would have just taken a bit longer than usual. Except that:
  2. I was recovering from an illness that had left me almost bed bound for about 6 months. As a result my stamina was fucked. Which meant that sex was fun, but I could not keep up the pace for a long enough period of time to get myself over the line.

We only went out for about 3 months in the end, we didn't break up over this issue, but I don't think it helped.

MattyHubby · 17/05/2025 22:00

Hi Lia - the answer is actually in the footnote to your OP question. The most likely answer is because he has a small penis. And if I was to guess his size issue is to do with Girth. My question back to you is when he enters you, can you feel much after 2-3 minutes? If not then nor can he. And without having friction against each other its very hard to orgasm.

I learned this with my recent wife. After quite a few partners over the years where I could really not feel much at all and thought we were just not a good fit for each other, she was brave enough to bring up a question about my thickness (as she called it) and if there was a way I could do anything to increase my girth because she could not feel much at all (she had just recovered brilliantly from breast augmentation which was amazing for us both., She wanted this after giving birth but also identified that prior she could feel about 3/10 for what she wanted, but after her recovery from bearing a child she couldnt feel me at all. And it was the same for me.

We were open with each other and she suggested measuring me against what is publicy out there on medical studies and forums. Cutting to the chase we both found out that I was very very thin (low 7th percentile) and then reading on from that it all came out between us. I had to deal with my past and she had to deal with a hubby who has what they term in a lot of forums a pencil d**k. Its common for both partners to not really gain much satisfaction if the male has a very thin penis. There is a lot out there on it if you want to read further.

For me it was actually really helpful and not humiliating. We use sleeves which was fantastic for us both and we can enjoy it much more. We also both laugh now once the sleeve comes off and talk naughty about stuff that borders on teasing which I really enjoy. Most of all I really enjoy seeing my beautiful wife enjoying sex and im now able to orgasm too as I can feel her with the sleeve on.

Its been an interesting journey. I always wondered why it was easy to climax on my own (no I never had a death grip) and almost impossible with a partner. I think its likely, now I look back, that quite a few relationships failed because of the sexual part of those relationships life.

If you mentioned in your post he has a small penis then you probably already suspected. Well you were right. Now you just need to be delicate at the start of the conversation and then have fun with it. My wife and I have moved on to even more exciting things - but that just depends on who you both are and your relationship.

Its an interesting topic and journey. I dont agree with one poster who said that if he is a nice guy thats all that matters. Thats old school thinking. Sex is a major part of a relationship. If your guy has a small penis and cannot climax insode you then there are loads of things you can do to change it up and make it so much better. PM me if you want advice. Happy to help if I can. Wish you both all the best.

Cheers
MattyHubby

Shamsamvanybanhatyi · 29/05/2025 04:01

flossydog · 11/05/2025 23:47

Yeah, the most obvious answer is he gets himself off with a "death grip" and has ruined regular sex for himself. If he lays off the pornography a month or so, it should go back to normal.

There are other possibilities of course, like maybe medically he really lacks sensitivity due to some nerve issue... but in most cases like this, the problem is self-inflicted.

Does your partner do this?

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