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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm done.

17 replies

BeShyPlumLeader · 11/05/2025 22:32

Just that really. I don't think I can endure another moment of my awful marriage. I need to get out.

I'm extremely hesitant to have this conversation with my husband.. he knows things are bad, in the heat of the moment we've both said we need to do something and that we don't love each other anymore. Then it gets swept under the carpet again and we carry on living in contempt for one another. It is a horrible, anxiety inducing way to live and I need to get out. I know that any attempt to discuss separation with him would get nasty and I just can't face it. He's got increasingly aggressive over the years (not physically I must add) and I just can't face having this out with him. Has anybody ever written a letter to say they're done and they want to separate? I am thinking of doing that and suggesting we use a mediator to sort the details out... or is that ridiculous? I'm so tired of living like this...

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 11/05/2025 22:35

Do you have children at home? That would complicated a separation.
Could he get violent?

littlepinkbow · 11/05/2025 22:37

Just leave. Forget the letter, you’re not 13. Have a proper adult conversation. He probably wants out as much as you do by the sounds of things.

TipsyJoker · 12/05/2025 00:27

Ending a relationship is the most cancerous time for a woman and if he already has a temper, this could make him turn physical. I would get your ducks in a row, move out when he’s not there and leave a note saying? “It’s over. I don’t love you any more. My lawyer will be in touch.” If you don’t have kids, great. If you do have kids get a parenting app and communicate through that on and only about the children.

PabloTheGreat · 12/05/2025 01:10

Do it whatever way makes you feel safest.

The break up depends on the type of relationship you had. The nice calm man gets the face to face chat, assholes get whatever makes you feel safest.

Do not feel guilty if you bugger off while he's at work leaving a note. He's only got himself to blame if he's too aggressive for a face to face sit down.

Original poster
BeShyPlumLeader · 12/05/2025 23:25

Thanks all and apologies for posting and running. I had a very busy day today and didn't get a chance.

I don't think he would get violent. He'd get nasty with his words and mannerisms though and that can be quite intimidating, but I don't think he'd physically harm me.

Yes we have children. Two together, 4 and 7, who adore him (and he them) but i have seen theyre scared of him sometimes. And I have an older child who is 16 (who we argue / disagree about constantly. She is just a normal teenager - messy, pushes boundaries etc, but genuinely not that bad all things considered and doing very well at school. You'd think she was the sporn of the devil the way he goes on though).

It's our wedding anniversary this week and it's going to be so bloody awkward. I'm kind of waiting until that is out of the way to take action, be that by an email to kick start things or by conversation. And no I'm not 13 - but I'm also not wanting a confrontation / upsetting showdown around the kids. We CANNOT talk about anything, complete breakdown in communication. I think I'd get my point across better in the written form possibly.

Again, thank you for all your help.

OP posts:
Fluffypotatoe123987 · 12/05/2025 23:28

Chat gpt has really helped me communicate better and process what they are saying as well.

KaleQueen · 12/05/2025 23:29

The ‘sporn of the devil’ - he hates her that much? Kick him out. Before your lovely daughter resents you for not doing it.

Edited to add I’m really sorry, I can see you do plan to end it but are looking for the right way. And chat GTP is weirdly good for running stuff through as a PP suggested.

NattyQuail · 12/05/2025 23:39

Be careful. My verbally nasty ex wasn't physically violent ... until I left. Then he almost strangled me.

With men like that things often escalate.

Lostinmyself · 12/05/2025 23:40

First of all I hope ur ok. Well done for coming to the decision u and ur kids deserve more.

if you don’t feel safe doing so face to face, letter is fine. If he can’t regulate his behaviour that’s on him.

The fact he hates ur oldest, and the youngest kids are scared of him is more than enough reason for this to be over. Note this in ur letter. Don’t take full accountability for anything as he will then have “ur short comings” in writing and will play the victim card with friends and family and have written proof of it.

is there somewhere u can ask him to go to. A parents/friends? U need this to be as clean cut as possible, and for him to be gone. The longer he stays the more of a risk he is to u all

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 12/05/2025 23:43

‘ It’s Spawn, as in Frog’s spawn. It means offspring. 🐸

Almostthere800 · 12/05/2025 23:49

Before you write the letter/have a conversation, work out what you want to happen. I would also see a solicitor for an initial appointment to find out what kind of settlement would be appropriate. If you do write a letter, keep it short and avoid blame. And a mediator would be good for the financial details. Good luck. It will be painful initially, but much better in the long run.

Usernamenope · 13/05/2025 05:51

I would say see a solicitor secretly first and plan things so that when the time comes to tell him and things could potentially get emotionally messy, you have already done some of the hard work first. Know your finances and decide where you will be living (hopefully your own home), and what kind of arrangement you want for the children etc. Things will change but it might help if you are coming from a position of strength, especially as he is so hard to communicate with.

Zanatdy · 13/05/2025 06:29

Sounds like my ex and I 15yrs ago. I also had an older child which caused a lot of my anger towards him (due to his behaviour sometimes). In the end I left, kids were 2 and 6. They are 17 and 20 now and we co-parented very amicably in the most part, even some family holidays. Kids are well adjusted and close to their dad still. Wish i’d left a year at least before I did. In reality I knew it would be over before DD was born.

Sapana · 13/05/2025 06:57

littlepinkbow · 11/05/2025 22:37

Just leave. Forget the letter, you’re not 13. Have a proper adult conversation. He probably wants out as much as you do by the sounds of things.

Weird. It's not immature to communicate by letter, especially with someone volatile.

Enrichetta · 13/05/2025 07:04

Get your ducks in a row, as the saying goes, before you tell him. Educate yourself about the divorce process, gather all financial documentation together and see a competent family solicitor. Depending on your housing situation (discuss with solicitor whether it is realistic for you to stay in the marital home…), you may also want to sort out accommodation for you and your daughters.

Springtimehere · 13/05/2025 07:05

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Original poster
BeShyPlumLeader · 13/05/2025 07:26

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 12/05/2025 23:43

‘ It’s Spawn, as in Frog’s spawn. It means offspring. 🐸

You're absolutely right, it is. And I usually hate spelling mistakes so that's wound me up I got it wrong lol

OP posts:
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