Friendship rules post breakup

[Alongcomes]

Sorry, this will be a messy rant…

I’m in a really awkward place right now and I’m feeling so incredibly guilty. To make it short: I’m in a relatively fresh relationship and really excited about it, but my bf is feeling uncomfortable that I still talk to my ex husband quite frequently because I consider him my best friend.
We broke up several years ago (I was the one who broke it up), but we remained friends and even my family consider him part of the family despite us parting ways. To be honest I can see why my bf is unhappy about it and I think I’d feel the same way and I have really started to starve the communication to avoid any tension.
I found out today that my ex/ best friend had been hospitalised and he never told me at the time, and it really hit home that I let him down. I have absolutely no romantic feelings for him whatsoever but I obviously still love him in an entirely different way and I hate being stuck between 2 sides.

Many people would be uncomfortable with you being best friends with your ex, you seem very close. You don't seem ready for a relationship where you can prioritise your partner. Perhaps it's best to just date until you're ready to let go.

Anyone dating you at the moment is entering a relationship as a three, rather than a two. A best friend is one thing, a best friend who is your ex who you still love is another entirely.

I think the fact you call him your best friend and say you love him isn't great and probably is making it hard for your ex to move on too which is very unfair considering you ended the relationship. Either be with him or don't, fine to be friends who occasionally catch up, but it sounds like you're too close, and it's not really healthy or fair to anyone

I'd go so far to say you're keeping him as a back up incase you don't find anyone else.

Maybe he didn't tell you for a reason? Maybe he has realised this is not a healthy situation for him? Maybe he was hanging about hoping you would change your mind ? It's not necessarily about you and this might be a better situation for you too going forward.

Agree with @foreverblowingbubbless - unless your ex also has absolutely no romantic feelings for you then being your best friend might not be the best thing for him. You may need to properly let your ex go so he can also move on. That could be what’s happening now and that’s probably a good thing.

I was in a relationship like this with my partner still being in regular touch with his ex-wife. On one hand, it was a long marriage and I understand that's a lot of shared history. Unlike others on here, I don't think there's an issue as such with maintaining a close friendship with an ex. However, he used to hide meetings with her, wouldn't answer the phone in front of me, she was forever sending hearts and kisses type messages. It messed with my head and I ended up in a very bad place because of it.

However, I think if you're open with your new bf and you can treat your ex just like any other friend (letting your bf meet the ex, bringing him up in conversation as you might do with other friends etc) and in general demonstrating there's nothing other than friendship left it might help him to accept the situation.

Was yours a long marriage?

You get to set the rules in your life.

I totally understand how your ex can be your best friend and you not have any romantic feelings. There’s nothing unhealthy at all about it. In fact, it shows that you have healthily processed the end of the relationship and moved on. Many years ago.

I’d find yourself a new partner who is more secure and doesn’t seek to control your existing friendships and relationships. Don’t change your life on behalf of someone else.

@Violintime is spot on.

It’s when these things aren’t being conducted genuinely above board and openly, that understandably partners have a problem with it. This does Not apply in your case.

Do not lose him as a friend, his friendship sounds far too valuable.

Me and DP both have friends who are exes, and I don't see anything wrong with that.

But they're "see them down the pub in a group" kind of friends, or "look after their kids when they're in hospital" kind of friends. Occasionally even "go to a gig together, just the two of us", kind of friends.

They're not "best friends" though, not people who you could tell your deepest darkest secrets to, not people you still talk to on a weekly, or daily basis. I wouldn't want to go out with someone who still had that sort of relationship with their ex.

You get to set your own boundaries but equally your partner gets to set his and in a relationship boundaries are negotiated. I would be very unhappy if my partner was best friends with their ex sorry just my perspective.

It's not ten out of ten behaviour on your part, is my view. Who would want that? There is no room for anything special between you and anyone new, or your ex-husband either.

Take it as a warning - people are going to be massively turned off by it.

I get why your partner is concerned. Being friendly with an ex is fine. But best friends? That sounds like there’s still too much of an attachment from your side for you to move on and be in a committed relationship with someone else. You should be prioritising your partner.
If your ex didn’t tell you he was in hospital he clearly doesn’t see you as his best friend. You didn’t let him down, he just doesn’t see you this way. I think you’re far too emotionally involved, however much you try to convince yourself that you’re not. It’s likely your partner can see this.

I'd maybe try not calling your ex your best friend, just friend. If he were really your best friend or you his surely you'd have known about the hospital admission at the time. Maybe including your current parter in plans might help him feel more secure or make him run.
I'm friendly with my ex, we lived together for 5 years after splitting and not once did we share a moment of intimacy, it was definitely over and done on both sides. We moved into our own homes last year and have remained friendly, he will visit have a coffee once a week after work and takes our son to his for a bit on Saturdays. He's not started dating that I know of but I've been talking to someone for a few weeks and planning to meet her on Saturday. I've told her we've got a family holiday booked at the end of this month and that my kids Dad is coming along, the reason why and thought better to be honest. She hasn't mentioned it since.
I'll be honest and say I'd not proceed if it was the other way around as it seems messy and odd, I definitely wouldn't want to be getting into anything serious. However, us doing the holiday together doesn't feel odd as my friends and family are coming and they're his family still too, it's not a romantic break and won't be intimate, there will be 12 of us. My kids are getting older, we're going to Disney (they've not been before) that's why Dad is coming along too he's also driving as I don't drive, so its a big help to me. He will always be welcome to come inside for a drink and a chat, I want my kids to see us comfortable together and we are. We're not overly friendly but do still care about each other. If things progress from dating I'm aware I'll have to not invite my ex on holiday.

Thank you for the messages, they were all very insightful to read. Just to clarify: I am 100% not keeping him as a backup plan. We broke up because we just didn’t work out as a couple, and not because anything sinister had happened.

I did have a chat with him and I think I understand why he withdrew, and it has nothing to do with having feelings for me whatsoever. I feel bad that he didn’t think he should tell me about his hospitalisation because it could have been the one time when I could have paid him back for the countless times when he was there for me. Honestly I feel mortified now and need to have a think how I treat people, but I know that he will remain my friend.