To what degree in a relationship do you edit yourself?

[Graceunderfire567]

I am very late diagnosed (f) autistic through my young adult dd being diagnosed. I have been married a very long time and my dh is supportive and lovely.

Of course he has his off days when he is stressed and grumpy like most people, but generally, if he is annoyed or cross, he tries not to show it.

I am afraid that I am much more prone to stress and don’t edit myself as much, so when I am finding things difficult, it tends to be more apparent, although I never shout or swear, I can complain a bit. I try and count to ten before I do though and breathe and phrase it in a mild way.

Post menopause, I am finding it harder to hide my true emotions as much as previously,

I have always masked at work and present a reserved, professional front, which suits the role, but tend to crumple a bit at home.

I suppose I want to try and gauge through this thread what a “normal” degree of self-editing looks like in a very long term, solid, comfortable, loving relationship?

Going through the ASD assessment has made me realise that my dh and others self edit a lot more than I do, and I feel rather ashamed about this, as I have no clue how much one should be authentic and show your true self in a long term relationship, and how much one should temper your own thoughts, feelings and responses?

For this reason, I have chosen to put this thread on the relationships board and not under the autism topic, because I am interested in the opinions of nt posters.

Thank you in advance for any insights!

I'm more of a WYSIWYG type.

My view, for what it is worth…

…. in the long term, you can only be you.

A relationship needs to be built on two people who genuinely like each other, when both people are themselves. Any initial ‘act’ will eventually slip.

No editing in my relationship. We both express how we feel and support each other accordingly.

I don’t edit myself. I’m the same person with a partner as I am with my friends and family as I am at work. Obviously they make see different sides of my personality depending on the situation but I don’t edit myself. I do try to treat others with respect and thoughtfulness, just as I expect to be treated that same way by them.

There isn't enough detail to be able to comment accurately on your situation, as it all depends on what you mean by editing.

Some of your issues could actually be cultural. I appreciate that may not help you, but I've noticed a lot of commentary online about autistic people feeling like they fit in a lot better into Dutch and German culture in particular.

I could also be cultural in terms of your family, as some families talk more openly about their emotions and share difficulties, whereas other bottle things up a lot more, and that is seen as appropriate& polite (even if it's not healthy long term).

I say this because I often see autistic people struggling with this issue online. Sometimes they assume that everything is down to their autism and their differences to other people (often blaming themselves), whereas actually, I watch their scenarios, and it's obvious that the other person just has unreasonable expectations, is passive aggressive or being a dick in some way, and it has nothing to do with them being autistic!

Do you mean masking ? I only mask if I am i a unreasonably grumpy due to hormones or stress and I want to scream “ shut the fuck up!” to everyone in my home but obviously “edit” / mask how I’m feeling as letting my messy emotions out everyday is unfair and creates a shitty atmosphere at home

is that what you mean ? I often go into the downstairs toilet with lights off and have a quiet moment to myself if i feel I am being a bitch

but other than that I express how I am feeling the good bad and ugly to my partner honestly

I don't edit myself, but also not 100% sure what you mean by this? I've never heard the term before?

I've had some dreadful work days and places which I openly discuss with DH. I've never blamed/crumbled in front of DH but again, not sure I know what you mean? I might discuss my day, but certainly not offload so much that he then felt under pressure to try to solve my issues. Men often try to solve things. Years ago I read 'Men are from mars, Women are from Venus' and much of it holds true!

It's a really interesting question

I've been with my DH almost 20 years and at this point I don't think either of us edit ourselves very much at all. He doesn't mind my stressy or grumpy times (I don't know why) and I don't mind his scattiness or weird habits (he doesn't know why). We just love each other and so even if we annoy each other sometimes it doesn't matter.

I do edit myself when it comes to things I know he's sensitive about. And I do try not to be too grumpy!

I think all that matters is if your DH is happy with you. If he is then it doesn't matter if you're editing more or less than other people.

DH is the one person, I think in the world, that I can be 100% myself with - even with my family, who I'm very close with, there's some editing at times.

We met when we were teenagers and so I think we sort of grew into our adult selves together and helped shapenwho we are as adults. It's been nearly 20 years now and he's still my best friend - even when one of us is grumpy, snarky or just a bit horrible to be around, theres never any doubt that the other one still loves and champions them.

I don't edit myself with my DH at all, really. Perhaps I did a bit in the early years, I can't really remember. But 30 years in and I can't be arsed to put on a mask at home.

I don't edit myself with my adult dd either, or with my closest friend any more. I have adhd and have spent a lifetime masking to try and meet other people's expectations. Sometimes, it's nice not to have to try.

Although I am do not have autism or ADHD, I find I am a bit much for some people because I'm quite extrovert and energetic, verging on hyper at times, and people have commented on it when they first meet me. I don't have to edit myself around DH - he is used to me, though I tend to get out and do lots e.g. performing with choirs and am dram groups, so my energy has an outlet. I do try to tone myself down at work and with quieter friends though.

Thank you so much for all of these really interesting responses.

My dh and I married young, and have now been married for nearly thirty years, so I doubt either of us could maintain an act for that long, and up until recently. I thought we had a WYSIWYG relationship too tbh!

We have certainly supported one another through some fairly “levelling” experiences anyway!

For the ASD assessment though, I had to look at a long series of photographs showing nuanced facial expressions, many of which I guessed wrongly. And that, and the follow up reading I have done, have made me realise that my dh self edits more than I previously realised, as I now can tell what he is really thinking a bit more easily, This has taken a while to do though.

I mean we all self-edit to an extent, don’t we?
For example, if I lived alone, I would be much more of a slob probably. I would be sat on the couch watching a lot more crappy streamed tv series! But in a relationship, we don’t behave as if we are on our own. We know we have to generally try and be pleasant to be around? We don’t just do what we want or let every sentence out that occurs to us in that moment? We curb our minor irritations, we try and give the benefit of the doubt, and we try and suck up minor illness to name three examples?

I suppose I am talking about the degree to which most people do this, if that makes sense? I know there’s probably not a hard and fast rule but what is generally acceptable?

I am worried that I don’t do it enough!

I really love this response Butterpaneer

Thank you dreamingbohemian that makes a lot of sense.

I edit quite a lot. Or so I think.

I’m impressed by your insight and how you have engineered a solution independently
SugarMiceInTheRain

over 20 years together. Dont edit myself at all. But, if I’m feeling grumpy (ie pms) I tell him that I feel moody so that he knows that it’s not him (or our son) that I’m angry with

I did edit myself more with my ex. I had to to tolerate his flaws quite frankly, until in the end I showed him my true self and ended the relationship.
With dh I am my true self.
I think I’m my true self with friends and family and whilst at work too.
I can’t keep up a veneer.

I'm my 20s, I used to edit myself in relationships. In my 30s I realised I didn't want to and shouldn't have to do that any more, though it took a while to stop because it was so ingrained in me. Now (late 40s) I have much happier and more fulfilling relationships with NO editing or making myself smaller to fit in with them.

Thanks for the further responses.

Yes I suppose the ideal is that neither party edits themselves and that we are accepted warts and all by our other halves.

I think the “baseline” behaviour of quite a few men is bordering on abusive because they don’t adapt their behaviour around anyone!

And at the other extreme, if you are too people pleasing, you can lose yourself in a relationship.

It’s finding the sweet spot that is tricky,

My husband and I have been married for over 30 years and when you have been together for a long time it can be easy to become irritated much more quickly with that person for minor issues than with people you are not so close to, so I constantly edit my urge to nag (until I don’t! 😂)

My husband is the 1 person I am completely myself with and rarely ‘edit’. Having said that I am aware that sometimes if I am heightened or struggling that I must not take it out on others or unfairly let it negatively affect others. So in those cases I may try and edit my responses.

Thank you yoyodo

and everyone else

That makes sense and is close to where I am at.

I think it’s because the level of editing doesn’t come naturally to me with ASD is why I am worrying about it!

Obviously, after nearly three decades, I hope I am not doing anything too badly wrong but there is always room for improvement!