I don’t know what to do anymore

[Amy990Hutch]

Been with my partner for 14 years, we had our first child very early on and we managed when they were around 4 he told me I’d ruined his life and he’d never wanted to be a dad. That he loved me but hated being a dad and he’d never forgive me. We split up for the best part of a year but loved each other, worked through it and got back together.

Fast forward, and we now have a lovely, amazing, beautiful 3 year old. We were both ready to try again 4 years ago, and we tried for nine months before having our second beautiful baby.

And now history has repeat itself, I thought we were happy, and good. But he told me he regrets having him, that I pressured him into having a child, and that he’d never feel any different.

We planned our second, shared the fact we were trying with our closest friends, and we’d originally put it off a year as he’d not felt quite ready, which was completely fine.

my children are the best thing that ever happened to me, but I don’t know what to do now. I can’t live carrying guilt and being told I pressured him into kids, which he’s always seen as a hardship and something that spoilt his life. The truth is without my kids, I wouldn’t have a life, they are my universe and I’ll be eternally grateful for them. But we had them together, planned, happy (or so I believed) and as a couple.

but if I leave now, then my children lose out. I don’t know why I’ve turned to writing this here, but I feel so torn and so hurt that I guess I just want to hear others thoughts.

But if you stay, your children will also lose out. He doesn't want to be a dad, and as your children get older they will pick up on that from him. It would be better for them for you to leave, so you can raise them and so they will feel loved.

It would break my heart if my DH said that, and I know I wouldn't be able to stay with him if I knew that every time he looked at them he felt regret.

I’d struggle loving someone who regrets his kids. So I’d be out if that was me.

Even if he apologises and says that he loves them? I am heartbroken, thank you for your reply. He is such a brilliant dad, but it kills me to know that’s how he really feels, and blames me for it all. I almost feel like I just can’t tell what the truth is anymore, which parts of our life are genuine or which are just faked for ‘our benefit’. I’m just so hurt, and hurt for my kids too 😔

He’s said twice he regrets them snd blames you? I’m not one to say LTB straight away but this would be a dealbreaker. You’ll never stop worrying about his true feelings.

He's not a brilliant dad, be honest.

The truth is without my kids, I wouldn’t have a life, they are my universe

This isn't healthy though, LTB (fool me once, fool me twice and all that- he won't change) and find yourself again.

So he planned having kids and then because the toddler stage is hard he’s decided that’s not what he actually signed up for and instead of owning his own choices, he’s taking it all out on you and blaming you. Fuck that guy. Tell him to get out then and don’t come back. See how much he loves his single life when he’s got to do everything for himself, no little wifey to use as an emotional punching bag and having to fork out maintenance for those little blighters that ruined his life. What an absolute arsehole! Get angry OP. That’s your children he’s talking about. And get rid of him.

Could this be a sort of male post natal depression?

He must have a lot of unresolved issues from his childhood, mainly regarding feeling like a burden and not being loved.
I'm not saying this to excuse him, by the way, but because it could be useful for you to know why he seems like a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde about it. Becoming a parent is like opening a portal to our own childhood: all kinds of ghosts come out of it.
I don't have an opinion re leaving or staying in the relationship. What I would say is that he is the one with the problem, not you. He is the one who has to do the work, as they say. What you must do (and it's not easy, and it has to be done whether you stay or leave) is act like a raincoat for your children, so that his sh*t doesn't tarnish them.
There's nothing wrong with you, remember.

And this could be it, too, yes.

I appreciate you all taking the time to respond.

maybe it is PND, which worries me and makes me feel like maybe in some way I am responsible for his sadness. I’d support him through anything, but I don’t know or see a way to support him through this when it feels like it can’t ever be something fixed (not that I think for one second it should be, my babies are amazing and will always be everything to me)

Interesting thought on his childhood, and I know there are things everyone keeps hidden. But we couldn’t be more opposite (we’ve joked about it a lot) He grew up in a loving, stable home and is still so very close with his parents! I on the other hand, grew up in care, and survived through hell until I was old enough to start out on my own. I guess that has contributed to how much I appreciate my children, their love, the happiness they brought me, and also the gift of feeling loved.

I struggled the first time round to understand how he didn’t see or feel that. And I just can’t believe I’m here for a second time. I love him, and our children so much, but I feel an enormous guilt that it’s because of me he feels this way. I don’t ever want to give up on him, or the life we built, but how can I fix it for him, if he blames me and resents me & being a dad.

What is he actually proposing to do about it or is he just using it as a stick to beat you with?

Asked me not to leave, but that’s as much as I got in terms of what now.

Has he said it in the heat of the moment both times? Or during a heart to heart?
If he's a brilliant Dad yet he said he regrets having kids, there could be something deeper to it -otherwise you could assume he would do the bare minimum and avoid being with the kids. Sounds like this isn't the case.

Perhaps he is depressed? Overwhelmed? Missing his old life? Might be worth digging deeper or even seeing a professional together to get to the bottom of it.

Yes during a heart to heart, and neither time was it heated, I cried but neither of us got heated.

He is and I see he loves them, I do a lot of the parenting and everything that goes with it but he’s always been there and does/has always cared for them. I really appreciate you saying that, I will bring up getting some help (jointly if he wishes) again, but every time I’ve ever tried to suggest that he’s refused

The baby phase tends to bring up our upbringings and childhoods and also how we envisaged our lives. I think as someone mentioned above, this phase has perhaps triggered something wasn’t aware of, a reluctance for responsibility and shackles so to speak, is he a curious person, it could been seen an an opportunity for therapy to learn more about himself. PND could be investigated as well with a trip to the GP like any Mum. Obv this phase can impact fathers as well as Mums and as there is even less awareness for men, it could be worth discussing and sugggesting in lieu of you leaving straight away?

Also as to your different upbringings what strikes me as a possibility straight away is that he may have taken stability for granted (perhaps even spoiled a bit) and you value it and what you have more than him now, again he should be encouraged to explore this (as a bargaining tool). Could bring you closer with a better understanding of eachother and of course if the outcome of that isn’t so good, you know and he would know that you’ve really tried.

None of this of course is easy for you when you are trying to find your way as a Mum to two little kids. But if PND is a possibility, worth remembering we are all human and if you give him the chance to investigate which could benefit the family, you will feel more informed as to what you should do in the future? Some people find change very hard. Either way it is a tough phase that is often romanticised and men really don’t know the half of it!!

Also you are not at all responsible for his sadness, how could you be. His sadness is coming from something deeper so please do not carry that weight around. It couldn’t possibly be on you.

There is an opportunity for you both to come together to investigate this and grow closer, don’t let it be a wedge and do not carry around any heavy guilt xx

One more thing. He must own his behaviour. Grow a spine and not blame you. Confidently set your boundaries with love.