I should be excited about my wedding day but instead I am am stressed.

[JoyfulGeordie]

I am getting married this autumn (fall) to my soul mate. The only man I have truly loved. We dated over 20 years ago but I dumped him during a period of poor mental health after a bereavement. At the time he did everything he could to try and reconcile with me but I stubbornly refused and started to seeing someone else. I married the other guy 18 months later and we had three children together.
I ended up single again, having taken 15 years to realise I had married the wrong man. During that time, my fiance had never married, investing his time in building a very successful business.
My fiance asked me to marry him on a beach we have both always loved and I excitedly shared the news with all my children, family and friends. He wanted a small quiet ceremony whereas I wanted a large wedding as I have a big family and lots of friends. He has had very little to do with them since we have been back together. He agreed to a large wedding but expressed his disappointment that most of those people had been at my previous wedding and he saw this as our fresh start. When we discussed our wedding plans he said where he would like to marry and suggested where we could go on honeymoon. He has a very good memory and these are the places we discussed many years ago the first time we dated. The problem is, I used those ideas when I married my last husband and he was disappointed when I told him. As my fiance isn't impressed by that news, he told me just to sort everything out and he'll turn up on the day to marry me.
I came home the other day to find him watching my wedding DVD from my first wedding. I made a speech at my first wedding saying it was the happiest day of my life and my ex-husband made a joke about my fiance trying to reconcile with me that I laughed at. All my fiance said to me when I immediately switched it off is that he looks forward to my speech at our wedding. I don't want to make a speech as I feel under pressure to say something that might upset my children, friends and family. He has said I can say what I like and our wedding should be a happy celebration but I am now worrying myself silly that I have to say something my regrets from our past.
I know my fiance loves me to bits as he supports me and dotes on me. He helps out with my children without complaint, even doing all the things their father cannot be bothered to do with them. Unfortunately, I now feel on my wedding day I have to express some kind of regret of the past, yet try to keep everyone happy because of the comments made in speeches that were made at my first wedding.
Am I being over anxious about his situation? I'm lying awake at night with worry.

Elope.

You need to cancel the big wedding & just do it quietly.

OP you’ve posted so many times about various issues with different aspects of this situation. At what point do you think you accept it might just all be more hassle than it’s worth?

Oh.My.God. The poor guy you are marrying. If he was my son I’d feel bad for him.

it would be a serious error of judgment on your behalf to continue with this whole circus.

Do what he asked you to do in the first place and have a quiet, peaceful expression of your love and commitment to each other. or do you desperately want everyone’s attention?

I’m on the app on a phone with the sun reflecting on to my screen so apologies for lack of caps to start a sentence, etc.

You need to cancel your the big wedding and do something very small/quietly.

You shouldn’t have insisted on a big wedding, how did you think it was going to go ?? I’d say do something small and low-key or you might find your DP no longer ‘dotes’ on you.

Yes, the big wedding #2 sounds really insensitive to your OH I’m afraid.

You can’t change it now but it really wasn’t very nice of you to “use his ideas” for your first wedding, OP. DH to be is coming across as extremely understanding and you are coming across as a bit callous.

If you skip the whole “look at me and how fabulous I am” day and just do something quiet, you won’t have to worry about standing up and saying you should have married husband number 2 in the first place, risking your children either realising now that you’re saying you wish they’d never been born (because of course you would have had different children, to a different father) or them seeing a video of your speech 🙄at a later date.

It’s all getting rather tacky and anyone with an ounce of wisdom would, as I say, bow out and do things quietly.

It all sounds like a complete shit show, him watching your old wedding video is really odd.

You had the wedding he wanted to have with you with someone else. Your ex made a joke about him at the wedding and lots of the people from the first wedding will be at yours. Do you not see why he would feel embarrassed?

The wedding day isn't the most important thing. What's important is the marriage and the commitment to the person you love. Do you want to start that off with a wedding day that makes your future DH uncomfortable?

I'm also not sure why it matters that he has spent his years building a successful business.

I thought this sounded familiar! Didn't people warn her on her last post that this man sounds like a walking red flag?

I can't believe you have a video, or something to watch it on. Who keeps the video after they divorce?

Cancel, have the small wedding and have some marriage counselling (probably first).

Yes but if I’ve got it right he watched the video AFter:

a) she had disagreed with and overridden his wish for a quiet ceremony
b) when he went along with her Big Wedding idea, he put forth his original ideas from when he thought they were going to get married 20 years ago then found out she’d pinched them all

.. so if I were him I’d be starting to think “well let’s have a look at this fabulous big wedding shall we?” then he discovers more Disloyalty, if you like.
(Not sure I mean disloyalty, can’t think of the word - just completely de-valuing him as a person, I guess.)

I think it’s OP who needs to do the back-pedaling. From the little info we have.

That was in response to @yeesh

I haven’t seen the previous threads but from the information we have Here, the guy she’s marrying isn’t the one who’s waving a red flag.

If he was my son I'd be most concerned that he was marrying you and your selfish behaviour. It's all you want, nothing to do with his wishes. Shame on you. Make some concessions.

You sound like desperately hard work and the re-writing of history is painful. If I were him I’d run for the hills…

@JoyfulGeordie Another here who remembers a previous post where it sounded like you’d behaved abominably to your current partner and it sounded like a massive mistake for him to marry you. Your present post seems to confirm again that you treated him very cruelly and were unwilling to accommodate his feelings about that.

On that same thread, others remembered previous posts in which your current partner sounded like bad news.

The trouble is the whole thing sounds dysfunctional. Based on your posts that I’ve seen and for all your protestations that this man is your soulmate, I just see that you treated him very cruelly years ago and are continuing to do so and you bulldoze his feelings about what went on because your preferences matter more at all times. I think you’re bad for him, OP, and that’s entirely based on what you say you’ve done.

The pair of them are I think! OP wants to pretend the last 20 years didn’t exist while also wanting to blend this man into her children’s lives & family.

It’s an absolute shit show.

I agree with others that you’ve been insensitive by insisting on a big wedding and I can see how he feels uncomfortable.

But, he worries me in his attitudes and I see red flags too. It sounds like he’s struggling to deal with the fact that you married someone else and I’d want to make sure that won’t become an even bigger issue in the future.

Marry him quietly with two discreet friends as witnesses and say whatever you need to say to him . All this drama and resentment and hurt feelings will not make for a happy big wedding.

A marriage consists of comprises and that starts with the wedding. This is all you, you, you. You want a big wedding, you want, you want. Stop and listen to what your fiancée wants otherwise this will end in divorce #2.

You are worrying about the wrong thing.

Before you worry about your ‘poor me’ stress as to what to say in your speech maybe start with:

Why you dumped him and refused reconciliation in hand first place

Why you did something as crass as use an exes wedding dream with a new partner… and what your exDH thought of that

Why is your DP good with your kids but has nothing to do with your family? Why would that be?

Why you say he is the only man you have ever loved but you steamrollered his wishes for the wedding plans

Why you would keep and make available your first wedding DVD

Why you would focus on addressing his comment on what he saw and how that puts you in ‘poor me, what do I say’ mode rather than thinking about how he was mocked and ridiculed in front of the very people you now want him to be happy to have at his wedding.

Reflect on whether you should call of the big wedding

Reflect on whether you should marry at all. For both your sakes.

Cancel big wedding. He doesn't want it and he's hurt by your past behavior

I agree with this. I also think it sounds like you have problems much bigger than the wedding. The watching the video and not having much to do with your friends is also a red flag for me. It sounds like either he's genuinely not over you leaving him the first time, or he is punishing you for it. How much of an issue is this going to keep being and how will it impact your life? Do you have to get a whole new set of friends because yours were at the first wedding? I think both or your behaviour is quite problematic....