Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

No sympathy for ailments

6 replies

LoftyCoralQuoter · 11/05/2025 00:28

Looking for advice or sense on whether I have unrealistic expectations of my partner or not. I have had a few minor ailments over the last few years, literally none of them id view as a big deal at all. I get mouth ulcers sometimes ( maybe once a month) which can be painful and mean I ask my partner to kiss me carefully, I had a small rash on my leg a few years ago which end ended up being easy to sort once I went to the doctor I had been hoping it would go away on its own as I am not really someone who likes bothering the doctor if I can help it. I then got a stye on my eye this week which is a bit sore and I suppose doesn’t look too attractive. All I needed for this was for my partner not to knock my eye area by accident when hugging.

He has essentially blamed me for all of these issues and said I don’t look after myself and he’s tired of dealing with them. I asked what he was talking about as it’s me who has to deal with them and any associated pain and it would be normal for someone to have sympathy rather than annoyance at something like this. I know when I’m told about a friend having a painful ailment I would simply be sympathetic to it. He then said that what about sympathy for him having to deal with me and getting annoyed saying ‘ there’s always something with you!’ And when I said he was being off with me suggested that I try and be more hygenic and to try having a month with no issues. I have been with him for 4 years and this is the first time I can recall having a stye. Would you be annoyed at this too if it was your partner or is he just lacking in kindness and empathy? I questioned how he would treat him if I developed a serious health issue and he said those wouldn’t be self inflicted so it’s different. Thanks for any thoughts.

OP posts:
Readytohealnow · 11/05/2025 00:31

He sounds like a right charmer! Styes and mouth ulcers are NOT caused by poor hygiene. In fact they are often genetic/auto immune or stress related.
I get awful mouth ulcers and I remember once I had one the size of a pea under my bottom lip and having to say to a friend can we not go out for pizza as eating hard or spicy food was bringing tears to my eyes with the pain. She was fine about it and we had something else. All your issues seem minor (albeit painful) and aren’t affecting your life majorly so yes, DP needs to be a bit kinder.

MoominMai · 11/05/2025 01:19

@LoftyCoralQuoter you absolutely don’t have unrealistic expectations of wanting basic sympathy no! As @Readytohealnow said, he’s very ignorant not to mention hurtful to suggest you have any control of these things!

I can empathise as my recent ex would be a little similar. So we didn’t live together and once I fell down the stairs by tripping over Hoover cord and he couldn’t care less he kept saying “and?” which was hurtful as all he wanted to know was whether it would ruin our planned trip the following week and when I assured him would likely be good for that by then hopefully he jst changed the subject! I also started developing a weird rash and blistering on my lips I had to treat and I already had an ongoing issue with hip tears which would sometimes flare up,and he’d just sarcastically say “god how many other ailments have you got you’ve not told me about?!” anytime something new happened. It really peed me off because like you I just needed a little empathy and understanding but instead his responses would make me feel shit like I somehow am incompetent and bring this on myself!

One time I was ill in bed for 2 days with non stop excruciating vomiting and diarrhoea because of gastrointestinal food poisoning and when I was in a position to see him he was in a strop that I hadn’t felt well enough to talk to him during this episode! No empathy or kindness or Qs how I now felt! I did actually tell him I find it odd and uncaring how he comes across in these situations but he never really ever responded. Anyway he’s my ex now!

Its really interesting reading your post as it makes me wonder if secretly he thought it was ‘self-inflicted’ also!

Its really not good for him to be like this and doesn’t sound like he will change, you do deserve better as life is full of trials and tribulations and you don’t want to be in a relationship where your feelings are undermined like this. You deserve someone who has your back and prioritises your well being same as you do for him ♥️

nottheplan · 11/05/2025 04:09

He doesn't sound compassionate or empathetic but hey don't worry, two can play that game! Next time he comes down with manflu tell him he's being dramatic and he can get his own glass of water. He needs the exersise etc. Tit for tat. Also re the mouth ulcers, get some lysine supplements, they are amazing for preventing and clearing mouth ulcers. I rarely get them now.

BlondiePortz · 11/05/2025 04:18

Think about it in reverse if would you be able to have as much sympathy? But regardless we only know your side he is man so on here people will say he is terrible no matter what he is like but at times there is only so much sympathy a person can give some times

Noshadelamp · 11/05/2025 04:22

He's really ignorant at best, downright selfish and abusive at worse.
I certainly wouldn't trust that he'd have your back if you had a more serious health issue because he's only thinking of himself. He's annoyed at the inconvenience to him, that you're not fully available to him.

The lack of empathy and kindness is shocking especially from someone who's meant to care for you.

This is a wake up call op, how is he in other areas of the relationship?

LoftyCoralQuoter · 11/05/2025 07:32

Thank you all for your comments. @Readytohealnow thank you for saying they are not caused by bad hygiene, I too believe they are stress related. @MoominMai im sorry you had to deal with an unsympathetic man as well, he sounds awful blaming you for your trip and issues as well when clearing they weren’t your fault. @nottheplan thank you for the tip on lysine suppleness I will look at those today. @Noshadelamp I have thought many times how he lacks empathy for others, he’s very happy to let people down and bail on plans if he’s not feeling it that day and breaks a lot of other promises to me. But then when I bring it up he will say I’m too much of a people pleaser so perhaps we are both ends of the extreme and have different values. Sometimes he can be caring but I often feel his love is very conditional and he can switch it off and be cold towards me if he decides I have done something wrong in his eyes so this isn’t the first time he’s displayed a lack of kindness.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread