Is this normal

[Teddlesisagoodboy]

I am early 40s, husband is early 50s, 2 kids who are 7&9. Youngest has autism and can be a struggle.

Husband goes out drinking with friends every weekend. He, works from home all week and gets lonely so likes going out to socialise.

I would like to get more out of the weekends but husband is always tired/hungover /no motivation. Loads that needs doing around the house and garden. We have lots of family days out but I organise everything and usually have to convince stroppy husband to come along.

Getting a bit fed up with it all and not sure if his behaviour is normal for 50s? I gave up drinking in January so is that colouring my opinion?

Husband also does no cleaning, washing, tidying, homework help, reading, any Admin relating to the kids.

No, not normal. Fine to go out for a drink, but if the rest of the weekend is a write off then that's a drinking problem.

Not always the entire weekend... Can get him to come out but he can be moody and complain about always doing things

Fine to out for a drink once a week. But it isn’t fine to be hungover every weekend and to not pull your weight.

Don't bother with a family day next weekend, go out on your own and leave him at home with the dc. That way he won't need to complain about doing things, he can complain that you're out doing things and he's stuck at home.

Meanwhile, you can have a lovely day out by yourself.

It’s not at all normal for one partner to do nothing around the house or with the children.

And no, not normal to go out every weekend and be too hungover to engage in family life.

I don’t drink, but Dh might have a few beers (at home) at the weekend. Every other month or so, he might go meet a friend somewhere (none of us live that close to each other and all have young ish children). Even still he gets up at a normal time and gets on with the day.

Alcohol will definitely have an effect on his mood though. Even though Dh doesn’t drink that much, there is a definite difference between the day after 4 beers and the day after no beers, in terms of his anxiety and ability to cope. People who drink don’t notice it usually. But it’s very obvious when you don’t drink how much it changes someone’s behaviour.

I absolutely vote for getting up and going for a day out. On your own. A 7 and 9 year old can survive on their own with a hungover parent in the house.

So he's basically a lodger?

Is he a dad or a husband or just a man who lives with you and does no chores at all

We keep having the same argument about him doing nothing to help. He says it's a me problem as I could just not care about theae things. Said making sure the children done their homework wasn't worth worrying about, and the teachers wouldn't do anything about it if we never done it! He has done a few school drop offs and pick ups lately , but he only does it if I ask him to. And acts like he doesn't understand why he has to do it. He works at home and can start any time. I have to drive to work 35 minutes and the sooner I start, the sooner I can leave. He makes a lot more money than me though.

It’s not helping. It’s called being an adult and a parent. He needs to step up. Or you could separate then he would have to 50/50

Did he want to have children / was he a bit of a long term bachelor before you met him. Sounds like he wants to keep his old life going

Honestly it has crossed my mind. I think it's the only way I will ever get time to myself, as he never takes the children anywhere on his own, and we have no outside help. If I wanted to go out for the evening or for the day, he'd have no problem with it. But he wouldn't do anything with the kids, just give them screens all day, probably not bother to get youngest dressed, and forget to brush their teeth. I'd get home and the house would be trashed and it would be my job to clean it up. If we split up and he had them 50/50 I'd worry about them tbh. I don't even know if he'd want them 50/50 either, as it might mean he couldn't go out whenever he wanted.

Yes he was long time bachelor before we met. He did want kids, but admits now he didn't think everything through. But says he wouldn't change things now. He just said this today and it did make me feel really sad to be honest

This. What is the point of him?!

I guess at least she could say he's paying part of the bills

Do you cook him food and wash his clothes because if so stop as he clearly isn’t bothered about clean clothes and food

It does sound like you'd be better off without him. What a prick!

Yeah I do all the cooking and washing, even though he is at home during the week and could easily throw a wash on. I have to try and wash everything over the weekend and make sure kids have fresh school uniform for the coming week

For a start stop doing his washing and ironing and tell him you need to split the cooking. You work too so why should you run around after him? He needs to start pulling his weight. If he is wfh he has plenty of to do his own washing at least!
I would be blunt and tell him if he doesn't start to share family life and chores that separation is on the cards.

I don't know if I could afford to leave. He makes a lot more than me. He pays all the bills and car related stuff , apart from childcare costs we split, and I buy things the kids need. I don't think I could afford somewhere with three bedrooms on my own. I looked into universal credit but don't think I could get it because I've been trying to build up savings.