Financial support

[Nicer2980]

OK..Here it goes...my first post.........

I have been with my partner for 25 years and we have two children...... 22 year old son and 19 year old daughter.

We are not married. I have been the male provider for the majority of the relationship; bills, kids clubs, food and everything family life requires financially.

My partner had financial challenges where she was continuosly in her overdraft every month averaging £500 in arrears every month, whilst having a job and a good income. I supported her and cleared this balance for the best part of 12 months, maybe longer, I'm unable to remember exactly. I never asked for anything back as we are a couple as good as married, 25 years. You do this for each other right? Without even questioning it.

Approximately three years ago, my father in law passed and my partner was the executor. Again, I supported her through this very challenging time, where other family members were trying to manipulate and push my partner in declaring the wrong information for financial gain, which she could have got into trouble for with the HMRC. In the end, the said family members were held accountable through their own failings with HMRC and my partners went smoothly as she provided every detail required.

The outcome, she inherited a property with a passive income.

I have recently lost my job, although OK for money in the interim.

I asked my partner if should could support with a few bills....She has never had to pay a bill in 25 years. Half each to take some weight off my shoulders.

After some challenging conversations, she reluctantly agreed. If I realised how difficult it was going to be, I would not have asked. I reminded her of how I supported her financially and never ever asked for the money back. I see it as that we are 'one'. What I have is hers and hers mine etc.

Not so it seems.

I'm really disappointed with how the situation has played out. I have given my whole life and effort for my family and this one time I asked for support it was a massive task.

She is very financially stable now and seems to keep quiet about it all. I have always said to look after the children with the money and that I do not want any of it. Although would like her to make things a little easy with a bill here and there....

On the whole, relationship is great. Like any relationship, it has its moments although nothing major.....Well, one thing that gets me down at times, she calls me a narcissist. I do not control her in any way and have always said to her, to live her life to the fullest, if that meant not with me then that's my loss. She has always said she is happy and does not want to be with anyone else.

I would like some feedback from members whether I was wrong to ask for support and perhaps assumed that she would and should?

We have been together since I was 19 and she was 17, now 44 and 42.

Thank you.

Unfortunately for me, I feel the end is near.

I’m betting she’s felt like that for a while hence hanging on to her inheritance

you should have married her

you can’t really just marry her now

I understand how she may have felt. Especially she wanted to marry but you didn’t.
She doesn’t really have an obligation to financially help legally.

I’ve been there, man not wanting to marry. It’s not a nice feeling when you have children as a woman and it is a horibble insecure feeling. The fact she has done it for many years … just wow.

so I see how she may be feeling.
in the nicest way, it was all your way.

What are the suggestions to move forward

You need to have an open conversation about your finances, (which now roles have reversed a bit might not come off well.)

After all, you've been happy not to discuss money for 25 years 😮 while you were the main breadwinner - now she's the more financially secure... it's a bit of a turnaround!

Once you've got a job again, I'd look to agree a (proportional to income) split of all bills.

Thank you all for your honesty.

'in the nicest way, it was all your way.' Absolutely. I did not respect her feelings enough. My bad 🫣

Sounds like the start of something new for her.

She’s only 42.
Kids are pretty much raised.
Money in the bank.
Employed.

Didn't stop her taking his money to clear her debts or letting him pay the bills. Her sort give women a bad name.

I would say it seems like she isn’t 100% about the relationship. That or she has some issue involving money that you don’t know about. Seems odd that someone who works and has a partner providing for all essentials is going into overdraft every month. What is she spending her money on?

I don't think the relationship is what you think it is.
I know relationships where men pay the bills and the woman's earnings do -whatever '; but when you fall on hard times, you support each other. Much like you supported her in clearing debts and d having the freedom to spend her earnings as she wished.

Now you know you're not in a mutually supportive relationship, I'd advise you to start preparing yourself for the worst.

We’ve only heard one side of the story
and I don’t believe if he refused to marry her which he’s said, that cracks haven’t been showing for a while
she’s very much paid her way even the bits the OP has alluded too
And he’s seriously at fault too if in 20 plus years they’ve never talked about finances
and as they’re not married she’d get nothing so I think she’s been looking out for herself

She could leave whenever she wanted to, as someone has pointed out, she is in a good place financially, job, children grown up etc.

But she has not...I have spent everything I have on my family and sacrificed any personal security financially, although now the children have grown up and doing there own thing. I have more opportunity to save.

But she was happy for him to pay her debts, rent, council tax etc. Doesn't sound like she's paid her share at all but even if she has he's out of work and she's got money so why shouldn't she pay some of the bills?

I take it she wasn't forced to have two children and a 25 year relationship with him. If marriage was that important she should have said that 25 years ago. Very convenient to decide that means she has no need to chip in now.

Just imaging if a woman posted this - the responses would be very different and the word cocklodger would be repeated on most posts.

Two questions

1. if you were paying for everything what was she spending her money on to be in such debt

2. when you say she could go and be with someone else when she called you controlling what was that?

but actually I think this relationship is over I think it has been for awhile, I think you have never trusted her not to go off with someone else (see 2)) and have refused to marry her.

No idea what she spends her money on.

No reason not to trust her. We get one chance at life and if there is any reason she did not want to be with me, she could do whatever she wanted. 25 years in, still here.

You say she has a good job but I’m curious how well paid it is compared to yours?

If you earn 10x what she earns I can understand why she might not be keen to pay her ‘share’. However if you earn similar amounts then she is being very selfish. Especially as she now owns a house and has a huge asset.

Your perspective on the relationship mirrors a marriage. And with a marriage, if you were to divorce everything would be split 50:50 or at least somewhat fairly. The problem you have is that you may have started out paying for everything whilst your partner didn’t work because she was raising your kids which is understandable, but now things are different and you need to start saving for your future.

You can’t continue to be the sole provider when she has huge assets. You need a grown up discussion about it.

Why don’t you though? If she was getting into debt why did you never ask what she was spending it on? Becuase that is odd.

and what did you mean by the someone else comments

I just never did ask about her money and debt. I'm not controlling and just did not pry into her money, I trusted her. In 25 years it was just for a 12 month period of clearing her debt, it never happened again.

The someone else comment.....I said to her if she was unhappy at any point and or did not want to be with me, she could go live her life.

It's just such a weird arrangement to me. You're partners, have kids and live together- yet never discuss money and think it's prying to have some idea of why your partner got into debt and needed help.

There's a big range between controlling & micromanaging, and having absolutely no idea of what is going on with your partner's finances.

Irrespective of the crazy situation if never discussing finances in 20+ years of marriage...

When my DH was made redundant, second thing we did (after a hug & listening to what had happened) was sit down and work out what we had in savings, what I brought home & what we needed to pay the essentials - and I wouldn't say we're perfect or brilliant communicators at all, we have our issues for sure, but this is fundamental to the family units stability.

I mean... how do you/she expect the rent to be paid if she doesn't pay it & you are not earning? Do you both say nothing til the landlord delivers the eviction papers?

It all sounds odd & not particularly healthy TBH.

This stood out:

On the whole, relationship is great. Like any relationship, it has its moments although nothing major.....Well, one thing that gets me down at times, she calls me a narcissist.

OP, you've glossed over this. It's not normal and "great" if one person is calling the other a narcissist. It doesn't sound like she's nearly as happy as you think. I don't know why she's calling you a narcissist - she may have her reasons, or she may be misusing a trendy term to express her grievances - but added to the fact that you've refused to marry her all these years, it doesn't paint a great picture at all. I wonder if you've been quite complacent, and she's checked out.

Ok, well if she wanted to get married (this automatically sharing all assets) and you didn’t then you have chosen to have legally completely separate finances.

at any point while the children were young you could have screwed her over by just walking away. You’d have only had to pay child maintenance and if you quit your job/did what some men do she could have had no child maintenance.

now you are the one in the precarious position and you don’t like it, but you passed on the opportunity to have shared finances.

you might not have talked to her about shared finances but your decisions did the talking for you.