How to cope when you long for a big, extended family.

[EveryChairIsWobbly]

My grandparents divorced when my mum was 10. My mum’s mum left, remarried and had a new family. My mum and her younger sister felt abandoned, their dad did the basics but wasn’t able to ‘compensate’ for the loss of their mum. (Didn’t really try, wasn’t skilled in that way.)

My mum and aunt knew their younger siblings through staying with their mum in the school holidays but there was understandable jealousy and their stepdad didn’t like how his ‘happy family’ vibe was altered by their presence.

My mum and aunt (both around 70 now) have had life long mh issues, anxiety, depression. They have drifted from each other and just do Xmas cards, annual phone call etc.

Once their parents died, the four siblings attempted a few get-togethers, instigated by my aunt. My mum also hosted one. Again, these drifted and the last one was 20 years ago.

I feel deeply for my mum and her loss. We’ve talked a lot about it over the years focussing on what she lost out on. Were a close family as a result with my mum, dad, me, 2 younger sisters, and we had a good relationship with my dad’s parents while they were alive.

But, now….I’m the only one married with kids so our family network is tiny. Same 8 faces at every Christmas, birthday etc. My sisters are heading to 40 and mostly single. I feel the loss of the extended family, but feel I have no right to. I can’t shake this feeling that me, my husband and kids have also missed out. I see my aunts, uncles, young-adult cousins on Facebook, they seem really nice! I talked to some at a funeral/wake last month who I haven’t seen in 18 years, they were lovely. We had lots in common. They were not the cold, uncaring family I had been led to believe. Made me think we have all got a version of history that differs from what the others think, stemming from this abandonment 60 years ago.

I don’t feel it’s my place to instigate a reunion but my mum ‘can’t be bothered’ now and is happy as is. But I’m not, I feel I’m letting my kids down, they’re missing out, I’m missing out. Should I accept it and let it go? Should I try harder? I wondered if others had a similar story and would share how they coped?

Just do it.

I’d try. I’ve got a very small family, there was total estrangement on one side due to falling out years ago between my father and uncle. I’m now trying to see more of my cousin on mother’s side.

Families cone in all shapes and sizes. Neither of my brothers had children so my 2 are the only grandchildren, now adults they are often doing their own thing but we all get along no issues, just 6 at Easter dinner.

Conversely my dh (second marriage) has a large extended family as all siblings procreated, but lots of falling out over the years (not him i should add) and never do “occasions” together anyway, his mum was distant and so never wanted them all at once. Last time all together was her funeral.

big doesn’t mean close! Facebook isn’t representative of real life either

Thank you for your perspectives.

I will take the point that photos on SM don’t really indicate reality (other than the fact that some of the family DO meet up - they don’t all “hate each other” like I was told).

I was thinking about whether to reunite on a smaller scale, there is one cousin who might be more interested. Perhaps starting there and building up might be a wise move.

thanks for your thoughts