Thirties loneliness and feeling a bit behind. Any advice?

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Any advice?

The abridged version:

• I live in an Essex commuter town.
• I suffered from depression in my early twenties which means I missed out on a formative period where people typically meet partners.
• Got my career moving by mid-twenties. Now earning a decent salary for my line of work.
• Social circle has dwindled since the pandemic which means I’m not coming into regular contact with people my age.
• Due to saving and an unexpected inheritance I have significant savings (£170,000) which gets you a leasehold flat where I live, but I’ve come to realise that money is not happiness. I feel envious of people who met in their teens and built a life together. In contrast, my wealth means that marriage becomes a risk unless I meet someone with similar finances.
• Now in my thirties I feel that time is running out in terms of hitting traditional markers of adulthood – marriage, children etc
• Today I found myself experiencing significant anxiety and had a bit of a cry. If my life doesn’t change course I fear I will be living out of a one-bedroom flat in my forties.

For the past week I’ve found myself engaging in quite unhelpful rumination thinking about how, if only, I had made different decisions I might have found myself in a different situation. If only I had got my career moving earlier? If I hadn’t graduated into the Cameron austerity years? Prioritised relationships at university when I was actually surrounded by people my own age? You could drive yourself mad thinking about the counterfactuals.

Issues:

Remote Work
I work in university administration, and I am finding remote working incredibly isolating although I feel it would be foolish to spurn what is a financially advantageous position. I’m expected in a zone 1 office in London on one day a week and earn £43k which is an above average salary for my type of work. Today I was thinking about all the people in my area that must be glued to laptops in box rooms in suburbia.

Friendships and Loneliness.

I live in an Essex commuter town and many of my friendships from my school days and twenties have not survived into my thirties as people have moved away. This is perhaps natural as people grow up and circumstances change. The issue is more that I’ve not managed to replace these friendships. I do the local parkrun of a Saturday morning and have joined the local running club. Both activities have done wonders for my waistline but frankly I’m not coming into regular contact with people my age in a way that would assist in finding a potential partner. I feel particularly lonely of a Friday evening and a Sunday evening. My friendships are the residual of the friendships from my uni days and school days which means I haven’t made a new friend for years.

Money

It is churlish to bemoan having sufficient savings to purchase a freehold property outright in some of the cheaper parts of the country but feel this money has potentially robbed me of other life paths – it surely makes marriage to someone without similar finances a potential risk?

Feeling ‘behind’ in life

I'm clearly ahead in economic terms but in all other respects I feel behind. I log into Facebook and see that a significant number of people I knew from my school days are married and have children. They are living adult lives whereas glued to my laptop typing away today my life isn’t all that different from when I was studying for my university finals.

What on earth do I need to do to turn my life around? I find the dating apps (Tinder, Bumble etc) a bit grim. I’m not particularly looking for a hook-up.

youve got so much going for you! The world is literally your oyster.

practically… bumble mates is good. Speak to people who you think look cool. Compliment Them. If you think a girl looks like the type you’d like to be friends with, say hello. That’s how to make friends. They start of as acquaintances but you need time and bonding.

same with men?

I agree with @lucya66 - you are in such a good position intelligent, financially sorted, career etc. And at this age you will know more about what you want from a partner/friendship than your friends who settled down when they were younger.

When I was feeling lonely I got myself on bumble bff and made a couple of friends there - this was four years ago and we are still friends. WRT the dating, I would say to sign up to dating apps - I hated them myself but they are a necessary evil in today's society I think. All is not lost! I understand your reservations about marriage due to your wealth but try to only take one step at a time - everything will be overwhelming otherwise.

Thanks, I think I’m just grieving for the paths my life never took. The meeting someone in your twenties, fall in love, build a future together path. It didn’t happen.

I took too long to get going. When I did get going the career was given far too much focus, and perhaps understandably I became very preoccupied with building a savings buffer. Circumstances make you make certain decisions. I took the safe job in university administration because it has a decent pension scheme and offered stability. I’m sure eighteen-year-old me would wince.

Significant savings now mean more level headed decisions around relationships. Perhaps I am just yearning for an earlier period in my life when I was surrounded by people my own age on a regular basis and when you could date someone because they were fun.

I wish there was something a bit more organic than dating apps. At a time when others are settling down my life feels a bit like freshers’ week. I find myself in a town where I know hardly anybody and I’m struggling to find the things that would allow me to come into regular contact with single people in their twenties and thirties.

You need to join a dating agency if you aren't meeting many people in day to day life. I don't know if those old fashioned marriage bureau type places still exist but they weed out some of the dodgy folk hopefully. And a lot of people who met partners in their teens will now be getting divorced/splitting up. So it's not all roses there either.

Grass is not greener.
You could buy a property with a friend or sibling or relative if they are trustworthy. You could ring fence the property or money, get legal advice on protecting assets and marriage. Nobody's life is 10/10 in all aspects, focus on the good. Nobody has it all, despite social media.

And try volunteering, you probably won't meet the love of your life there but it could give you a boost. Something physical like with animals or gardening.

I’m in similar circumstances but a lot older - mid 40s. I appreciate you would like to meet someone and it’s tough when everyone else seems to be coupled up.

Buy a property now if you like, but please protect your assets if you were to buy with a future partner/or they were to move in. Not romantic but practical.

Make the most of being single and do all the things you want to do while you can. Travel? Live abroad?

Also if FB is triggering you, come off it for a bit. So many people post ‘perfect family pictures’ but often the reality isn’t like that.

Concentrate on increasing your social circle and hopefully the rest will follow x

I really think that as you get into your thirties and working especially remotely, you have to be proactive about meeting a partner. it’s a numbers game ultimately. Yes dating apps aren’t ‘organic’ but you can have some fun dates and meet some interesting people.
i think you have to think of dating like you might think about looking for a new job. You can’t just wait for it to happen for you, you have to get out there.
You’re young actually, you’ve done really well. You’re properly established before looking for a relationship, which is how it s should be. Look forwards. Your decisions Have all been the right ones so far.

I have to add I was you 20+ years ago, without the remote working. I had a great job, but didn’t really meet anyone there, I’d bought a London property but still couldn’t meet anyone. Actually I was older than you are now, mid-late thirties.
I joined a dating agency as it was then. It worked for me.

OP your life sounds really sorted. It’ll be fine if you do want to get married, you can have your assets protected. Or you can be de facto married. Do you think you might be slipping back into negative thought patterns about yourself? You are still young enough to do all The Things. Could you reframe your feelings about this as that you have identified a want, and are reshifting your priorities? Then that might be an exciting thing for you, a new departure rather than a regret. Your heart is telling you it wants something, it is good that you can hear.

Perhaps going into the office of a Monday voluntarily would help give a demarcation between Sunday and Monday. Feels a bit like a Grand National horse that keeps jumping even without the jockey😊 but the extent of remote work is not aiding my mental health which overall has been pretty good for the last eight years until recently.

Recently I’ve found myself in a cycle of negative thinking. What does it say about me and my life decisions to date that so many are partnered up and I’m not? You start to replay your life. Perhaps I need to prioritise housing security more than others if this is going to be a feature of my life. I’ve not felt like this since c. 2016. It is a weird life trajectory. Being able to buy leasehold outright which would likely put me in a position to buy freehold outright in maybe six years.

I’ve got to look to the future. The only ‘anchor’ in my life is the need to live in the South East for a job that is based in London. In terms of other aspects of my life it is a clean slate. Like a friend who moved to Birmingham for a new job and was effectively starting afresh on the relationships/friendships front. It is difficult but the friendship group from my twenties exists only in memory.