When one partner stops prioritising intimacy—what next?

[Zofore]

My partner and I are in our late forties, with children aged 13 and 11. Like many others, I feel our sex life hasn’t been the same since having children. Before kids, we were very well matched in that area, and I miss that connection. I don’t think my partner feels the same level of loss, or at least doesn’t express it.

I always assumed the drop in intimacy was due to the normal pressures of parenting—and that when we eventually got some “us” time, things would naturally improve. That hasn’t really happened, though there have been just enough moments to keep hope alive.

We’ve talked about it over the years, even saw a counsellor at one point, but it didn’t lead to any lasting change.

I’ve accepted that this might just be how things are now, and I do genuinely appreciate all the other good things in our relationship. But a recent exchange has really stuck with me.

Over Easter, I made it pretty clear I was hoping for some intimacy—just to feel like a couple again. Instead, we ended up having a short conversation where my partner said they’ve never thought of holidays as being a time for more intimacy.

That felt disheartening—almost like a line being drawn. To me, holidays were one of the few chances to reconnect. Now I find myself feeling resentful, and I’m honestly not looking forward to our summer break the way I usually would.

So… is it unreasonable to feel this hurt by what was said? Or should I just accept that this is the shape of our relationship now and stop hoping for more?

So you mean sex rather than intimacy?

How are you engaging with your partner to make physical intimacy attractive? Judging by MN, in many relationships one half of the couple is NOT thinking ... oh, then we can shag.

I confess that I went on an anniversary weekend excited about the city we were visiting without considering that my OH would want to have sex lots. I was focused on enjoying this globally famous, beautiful city.

IME, the partner keen on sex should be increasing the casual intimacy that leads to desire: a quick hand squeeze, a loving glance, a gentle hug/cheek kiss.

Has your sex life suffered for 13 years? Why did you think this holiday would be different to all the other holidays?

Your partner doesn't want sex and they're aware of how you feel about sex and nothing has changed. I would either accept a sexless relationship or move on.

Yes indeed we still do (and have always done) the "casual intimacy" - perhaps more so than we did pre-children. Folks have (even recently) remarked on how together we seem (they sent us a photo to prove it - no idea why they found it necessary to photograph us though)

Your comment about "visiting without considering" rings a bell though - that's exactly what I think happening here - and that's what's disheartening. If that was the case in the earlier parts of the relationship - what would have been your honest thought?

Is the sex good when she has it?

It's not true that we don't have sex - we do and it's v. good.

The issue is the holiday comment - I would assume most people would consider a holiday a very relaxing time (or should be?) which should enable a couple to be closer together (small children aside obviously).

I guess the real issue here is that wasn't our experience of holidays pre-children - so hence hearing out loud that priorities have changed without discussion is kinda upsetting. You wonder what else has changed?

I think that in the grand scheme of things this is a really small difference.

you think of holidays as a chance to have sex.

your partner thinks of holidays as…. Something else. Maybe a chance to relax, drink nice wine, enjoy the sun.

I’m not sure this in itself is a problem.

if you want more sex (and I’m presuming you are meaning sex when you say intimacy as it really doesn’t read like you mean emotional intimacy) then work on other ways to improve that aspect of your relationship.