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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How did I not know??

4 replies

Fraggeek · 09/05/2025 20:02

My current partner never told me he'd been married before.
We've been together over ten years and finally made a date for our wedding.
During our notice giving I found out he was married previously.

He believes he told me, however he's the type to forget things easily whereas I on the other hand have always had a good memory. I know for certain this is something we never discussed.
He always spoke about the split from his ex. He never said divorce. He's never said anything about a previous wedding. Even as we've been planning our own.
He's been very much "no idea what goes into a wedding" when in fact he has a hell of a lot more idea than I do.

I don't know how to feel. Other than feeling a prize twat at our appointment, not knowing something so massive.

Suddenly getting married no longer feels special. It's something he's done before. I'm going to be the second wife. I've always only ever wanted to be married the once and I foolishly believed it was the same for him. I almost feel like getting married is no longer as big of a deal for him as I thought it was.

If I'd have known from the outset, I'd have still entered into a relationship with him, but I don't know if getting married would have been something I would have wanted given how I feel about it.

I feel stupid. How do you not know this sort of information?
And where do I go from here?

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 09/05/2025 20:05

You give yourself a bit of time to get over the shock.

I doubt he intended his first marriage to end. It doesn't mean he expects and wants anything other than to be married to you for the rest of his life.

Coffeislife · 09/05/2025 20:46

Have you had a discussion about it ?
If he's not mentioned it, the first marriage might literally mean that little to him.

Sodthesystem · 09/05/2025 20:51

Coffeislife · 09/05/2025 20:46

Have you had a discussion about it ?
If he's not mentioned it, the first marriage might literally mean that little to him.

But that's not a good thing.

If it meant nothing then why did he do it.

Honestly after a decade I'd presume it was a shut up marriage. As in, hes finally decided he can't do better so begrudgingly agreeing to it.

Sorry I know that sounds awful.

Also, he's lied to you for a decade. He would have called her his ex wife if he wasn't hiding it.

I dunno op, I think you can do better than someone who lies and obviously thinks marriage is unimportant.

Sodthesystem · 09/05/2025 20:53

Also, the burning question - when did he divorce?
(Or, HAS he divorced?)

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