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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you know when it's time to call it a day?

22 replies

Howdoyouknow · 19/05/2008 13:35

Name changed for this one. Me and dh have been argueing so much lately and I'm sick of the way he speaks to me. He swears at me and calls me names.

Example, yesterday I asked him to carry the baby upstairs for me after dinner as he was covered in soup. My knee and back were playing up which is why I asked him.

I wait 5 mins, baby in highchair, while he's doing something on the pc. I asked him again and wait, baby now starting to scream so I do it myself.

I bathed the baby and was coming back downstairs when dh calls me a martyr and to go fuck myself etc and that I should have just waited. I explained calmly that the baby was upset so I couldn't wait but that the thing he was doing on the pc could have waited. More abusive from him so I just ignored him.

This is fairly typical and it's always been the same really. He changed for a while at one point when I left him for a week but this was a few years ago and it seems the same again now.

I've often thought about leaving but I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

pooter · 19/05/2008 13:50

oh god you poor thing. He sounds like he is treating you appallingly.

Is it a case of knowing you have to leave but not knowing how to go about it, or are you hoping things will get better?

mumblechum · 19/05/2008 13:52

Sounds like he's locked in a power struggle with a baby.

Does he feel that you prioritise the baby over him too much?

Just playing devils advocate/trying to see where he's coming from

Original poster

Howdoyouknow · 19/05/2008 13:53

I think after 10 years it isn't really going to get better is it? I don't what I think anymore. I feel like I've given up trying. We have 3 young children too and I worry about them if I leave.

OP posts:

Original poster

Howdoyouknow · 19/05/2008 13:55

That was just one example, he's the same if I asked him to help with anything non child related too.

OP posts:

pooter · 19/05/2008 13:57

No one but you can make this decision - but you deserve to be happy and certainly not sworn at.

Well, you would take your children with you presumably - they would have your love and attention. Would you say he is a good dad? It sounded as though he puts the pc ahead of the baby's needs.

Original poster

Howdoyouknow · 19/05/2008 13:59

I would definitely take the children. He is a good dad most of the time and does a lot with them, as he should.

I just don't know what to do. I think that's it, I'm not happy and I haven't been for a long time.

OP posts:

TeaDr1nker · 19/05/2008 14:02

I knew it was time to call it a day when i was being called 'stupid' all the time or so it seemed. That and the fact that he would put his football and his family before me. Oh, and he didn't help in the house, and other stuff (a list as long as my arm, basically i was no longer respected). We didn't have any children together though, so it was slightly different. But we had been together for a long time.

pooter · 19/05/2008 14:05

Can you envisage what it would be like to be a single parent? WHen you imagine it, do you see yourself happy? You could always live near each other so the children could see him often and he could still do fun stuff with them. Is it worth talking frankly to him about how you feel, or would you get a mouthful of abuse?

Original poster

Howdoyouknow · 19/05/2008 14:09

I've thought about being a single parent a lot and have been worried about not coping, maybe that's another reason why I can't decide what to do. I imagine myself being happy though.

I've tried talking with him so many times and he always says he'll change but it never lasts. I've written letters and spoken to him but he does tend to get very defensive too and turns things around on me so it's my fault he treats me like crap.

OP posts:

pooter · 19/05/2008 14:28

HDYK, it doesnt sound as though you are happy with him. Do you think that if you didnt have to deal with him and his putdowns you may find that you coudl cope a lot easier?? Im aware that its so easy for me to type this, btu he's your husband and you have years of history together - we cant know what its like at all. I dont want to convince you to leave him or anything, but you sound unhappy, and it seems as though he is contributing to that in a big way.

pooter · 19/05/2008 14:29

Would he agree to relationship counselling? I have absolutely no experience of this (yet) so cant be much use.

Original poster

Howdoyouknow · 19/05/2008 14:30

You could be right there. I just feel like I need more than this, I want to be treated with respect and spoken to nicely. Maybe I'm being unrealistic though, I don't know.

OP posts:

Doodle2U · 19/05/2008 14:30

You know it's time to leave when you start a thread on Mumsnet, with an OP worded exactly the way you have worded it and my guess is, you've known for some time.

You're a long time lookin' at the lid. Bail out and go live YOUR life!

Original poster

Howdoyouknow · 19/05/2008 14:31

He doesn't even think counselling works, he says it's all "a load of shit".

OP posts:

Original poster

Howdoyouknow · 19/05/2008 14:41

Doodle you are right, I think I have known for a long time and I know for sure that if we didn't have children I would have gone a long time ago. I don't know what to do though, what would be best for them.

OP posts:

pooter · 19/05/2008 15:05

oh sweetheart - i dont know how i can help, but a happy mummy would certainly benefit your dcs

expatinscotland · 19/05/2008 15:06

I've only read your OP. But when someone starts telling you to go fuck yourself over something like that, it's over.

Original poster

Howdoyouknow · 19/05/2008 15:43

Thanks, guess I have a lot to think about.

OP posts:

MuthaHubbard · 19/05/2008 17:55

When my h called me an arsehole at my sister's wedding, I knew things were over for me. Obviously there were other factors, but his nastiness was one of them

But it took me about 8-9 months to pluck up the courage and tell him I wanted a divorce.

He's now living elsewhere, we get on okay and he is still (and always will be) a brilliant dad.

I think you know yourself when you reach your limit. Doodle is right, I started a thread when I knew it was over but it can take a little longer for the ball to start rolling.

nandos · 19/05/2008 18:09

Howdoyouknow maybe u can ask your mom to come over for the weekend or something? At least if shes there(or anybody e.g sis/bro) i dont think your hubby will dare to call you names or insult you like that.
I feel if a family member/close relative is in your house, you can 'threaten' to tell them if he insults you again..
you deserve much better than this

Original poster

Howdoyouknow · 19/05/2008 23:44

Muthahubbard thanks, it's so hard, I just wish he could be different.

nandos family situation makes it impossible for my mum to stay and I have no siblings.

OP posts:

IAlreadyKnow · 20/05/2008 01:13

Howdoyouknow - I think you're me!
I've been with my partner for 10 years adn we have 3 young children and I dream of leaving him.

I get called every name under the sun, if I say anything to him I get told to f** off, I'm a SAHM so don't have money of my own and even though he gives me his cash card so I can get stuff, and he's not stingy he's very good at taking the card away if we argue so I have to ask him for money.
The house we live in is his, he bought it after the kids came along but it's not in my name at all so I don't have any sort of security.

And as we're not married I don't have any rights to anything.
I know that if we were to split up (something that I've talked abpout a lot) I would be entitled to stay in the house until the youngest is 18 but then I'll hav eto leave. And him leaving this house so I can live in it is not an option. As he tells me this is his house and I can f* off.
BTW we're not married because he's never asked even though we've got 3 children together (not that I want to marry him anyway, but it's all part of it, no committment even though he says he's very committed ect).

I have got no where to go at all, and I've spoken to the housing executive but I don't want to end up in a really bad place to live with the dc's. Where we are at the moment is lovely for them.

The thing that I've decided to do is start an OU degree so I can get a job when I am able to work and my own financial independance.
I do some cleaning which is very well paid and I'm going to save up everything I earn in preparation!

Sometimes I get really sad that this is what my life is. And I feel so envious of my friends becaus etheir husbands treat them kindly.
I'm reasonably intelligent (I have a degree already), nice enough, not totally ugly and I wonder that others seem to have ended up with nicer, kinder, more loving men than me!

I know why I chose someone like him, but I would like to change it but I have no where to go adn no way out it seems.

Sorry to have taken over your thread with my woes, but it was to let you know you're not alone.

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