Would you stay with someone who abused you in the past?

[Mommabee23]

Hi so really complicated one please bare with me.
I was with someone for 7 years, we had children together, he was abusive on and off in isolated incidents, I did eventually report this and he was convicted and made to get help. As in one incident he pushed me flying and I broke my wrist, when I had not long give birth to my first child, I also had to look after my newborn with my arm in a cast while he did next to nothing, crazy I know.
We separated for a few months while he got help, then got back together, he did make some changes, however he has always been emotionally unavailable and remained so.
I have since found him just rude, neglectful to me, the children, disrespectful, he will swear at the kids when they've done something wrong and he's unhappy with them, I just can't do this anymore and I can't do this to them, what sort of mother does that make me. Thankfully he doesn't live in our home, and I've told him that he can no longer stay, I'll no longer beg for just basic human decency towards me and my children.
He's agreed to come collect what little things he has here, see the children and then go and leave me alone.

I know I shouldn't have stayed with him as long as I did, I know I shouldn't have ever had children with a man like this, I guess I was just so blinded, as a child my father was emotionally absent- an alcoholic and I guess my inner child just wanted someone to love me.

I just wanted some advice as to where to go from here, because I know he's going to think he can come back, but if I do, I'll die- mentally. I just can't continue this cycle any longer :(
I want to go no contact, however we have children, he doesn't have a place for them to stay with him thankfully as he lives in a communal property thankfully, so they'll be staying with me.

I guess what I'm asking for is reassurance? I'm in my early 30's and I feel like I've lived 3 lifetimes after what I've gone through. I just want to be happy, is this still possible? will I be ok? <3

thankyou for reading x

Op forget about yourself

if you are in two minds about him (unfathomable that you are), FGS think of your poor children and put them first.

Do not let him in to your home
and just let him progress through the courts
he won’t
he doesn’t even have a home

I don't know your financial or housing situation so it's difficult to advise. However it's better that you speak to professionals.

You can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline which is available 24/7 or the Refuge webchat which is open tonight till 10pm.

You need to be assessed as you're very vulnerable and you need a safety plan.

Dial 999 if he gets aggressive.

Re being OK. You come from a difficult background so I would do the Freedom Programme and get some therapy to try to process your past. Anxiety UK do affordable therapy if you're on a low income and some Domestic Abuse charities offer therapy.

I agree with this, I feel incredibly selfish and wish I'd had the strength to leave him so long ago, the physical abuse stopped years ago, but the emotional stuff has just progressed and I can't tolerate it or allow my kids to :(

Hi I'm not sure if you saw my recent message, the physical abuse stopped years ago thankfully :( it's just the emotional side of things that have just grated me down ever since, he's happy to leave me alone and not harass me as of yet

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

“Just the emotional abuse”

which by the sounds of it is not just levelled at you OP

you need to advocate and protect your children

No I wouldn’t stay. You need to leave. Think of your kids, you’re messing them up. Good luck.

How old are your children?

I agree :( Neither of them are happy seeing their dad, one of my kids has special needs and dad handles them horribly.

My eldest is now 13 and isn't his, the other one is 9

I know, they're not happy, I can't look at their unhappy faces anymore. My mum stayed with a parent I hated for years and I resented her for it in my adulthood

FGS it is hard not to read all this and feel very frustrated

this man can not see the children in your home
he can not see the children in his communal place
if he wants to see them, let him take you to court

Yup, I completely understand the frustration. I am going to tell him tonight that he can have someone else collect his things and take me to family court

So the vicious attack on you was only 2 years ago

There is no help for this man. Please contact a domestic abuse helpline.

I've done the freedom programme, it was really good and met some great women there, my plan was to stay gone but unfortunately fell for the "'i've changed" speech

Well he’s not going to arrange someone to pick up

so you get all his bits and put outside the home.

I really hope you keep to your word on This op

He hasn’t changed. He will never change. He chooses to abuse you.

Do something before social services has too and no i am not dressing this up with a bow

Someome has to listen some time