Can we ever trust again?

[Jujujudo]

We’ve been married for 17 years and it’s been quite challenging at times. I probably should have left him, but I don’t have any family and he and the kids are all I have really.
Last week we had an argument over a recurring issue and I (as usual) got overwhelmed and upset, and he (as usual) said nasty things and walked out. I found out a week later that he had gone to social services and made an official complaint about me, saying I was dangerous (I’m not) and he was afraid of me (he’s not). My biggest fear is him taking the kids from me, and he knows that. He did this to hurt me and scare me.
I confronted him about it and told him he’d betrayed me in the worst way possible because he lied about me in order to make a point. I spent a week crying and trying to find a way to leave, but of course now I need social services I’m afraid to get them involved incase they believed him and give him custody.
He obviously realised he’d made a mistake and he tried to apologise, but I told him that this was a betrayal and I can’t just get over it because he’s said he’s sorry.
Since then he behaves as though it’s business as usual and I’m depressed, withdrawn and extremely hurt.
Today he came to me and gave me a hug and said: can you get over this now please? It’s really hard to live with someone who’s always upset.
I explained that it will take time and he needs to do more than apologize if I’m to feel safe again. He got angry and told me that he’s said sorry and he feels bad about it so why can’t I forgive him and move on?
What do I do? What do I say to him? Am I overreacting? What can he do to make me trust him again and reassure me that he’ll never do this to me again? Or is there no going back now?

Why do you need social services? What are the obstacles preventing you from leaving?

Read up on DARVO. I would imagine social services now have to visit with you in order to close the case. When they do, tell them your husband is abusive and you feel trapped and need support to leave. He is abusive op. What he’s doing is deliberate and he’s used your worst fear against you. You’ve every right to be upset. He’s done an absolute abhorrent thing in this false allegation. It’s very, very serious. Social services can’t give him custody. That’s not how it works. If you split up, child contact would be decided by the family court and it’s highly unlikely they would take your children from you and give him full custody if there are no safeguarding concerns about you, which there won’t be if you engage with social services whilst they investigate his false allegation and also ask them to support you to leave your abuser with the children. He will get contact most likely but not full custody. And he probably wouldn’t want them full time anyway. It’s just a rod to beat you with because he knows you fear it most. See a lawyer if you can to get advice and speak to women’s aid for support to make an exit plan.

I would also encourage you to read this book. It might help you to see the abusive elements of your relationship.

archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

I also don't understand why you need social services. Do you actually have proof that he reported you i.e. have social services contacted you? Or school? He may have been bluffing and saying something that he knew would hurt you.
I think you do need to start to plan your exit strategy. That's no way to be living for any of you.

Forget whatever he says. His actions show how he views you.

He's not on your side, he doesn’t support or respect you. Make plans to leave and tell social services what's really going on.

You need to contact Women's aid asap.

He is absolutely toxic, abusive and you need help and support to divorce him.

That was coercive control.
Please do not trust this prick.

Do you know for sure he contacted Social Services? Have they been in contact with you? If he really did, how in god's name does he expect you to forgive him.

I gave up my career after my 2nd child was born because I was unable to manage that and being a mum, especially as H was starting a business so he was never around, I had no family to help. Now I don’t work, I don’t own a home, I don’t have any independent money, it’s all controlled by my H. How the hell have I ended up in this mess? I am the last person I thought would be trying to leave an abusive relationship!! I need SS because he’s involved them and he’s going to go for custody if I “dare” leave him.

Yes he definitely did - I saw a WhatsApp convo with his brother discussing it (yes I checked his phone, I wanted to know what he’s been saying about me to to people). I also heard him speaking on the phone to someone telling them that I’d found out and had gone mental on him. He’s making me out to be the abuser! He’s literally treated me terribly for all these years and the one time I reacted he reported me. What is wrong with men that do this? I feel so stupid.

Thank you. I’m actually really frightened now. If he can so easily lie about me, he could sabotage any help I try to get - I feel instinctively that I need to somehow give my own version to SS and then keep them out of it. Is Womansaid connected to SS?

I wish I had a fiver for every time some dead beat abuser threatened to take the children. Do you honestly think he's going to look after the children full time?

You're married so go and see a solicitor and get some advice on finances after divorce. Rights of Women offer free legal advice, wikivorce has lots of information, the CABx website is very informative.

Gingerbread can advise on benefits and co-parenting and any other questions about being a single parent.

You can also get advice from your local domestic abuse organisation which you can find on your council website.

You can’t forgive this - OP. This is unforgivable. Forget about social services for a minute. Contact a women charity and explain what you just did here. if you are married and in the UK it doesn’t t matter if he’s in control of the finances - contact a solicitor.

I’m actually quite afraid to leave him. We broke up last year for 6 months and it was the worse 6 months of mine and the kids’ lives. He didn’t keep to the agreement, I was constantly stressed and unprepared for when he’d show up. He’d take my little boy for hours without taking food for him (he’s got Coeliac), be out of contact for days, or turn up out of the blue when the kids were about to go to bed. So I ended up back with him.

Thank you. I just spoke to a social worker at SS but didn’t give my name, just asked questions. She said she believed me, and that they’re trained to be able to identify who is the abuser and who is the victim when they interview each of us. There’s no way he convinced them he’s the victim, I don’t think he’s that clever.

You can go to court and get everything nailed down regarding child contact. Once you divorce, he has no right to turn up and you don't have to let him in.

I am a wet dishcloth. I’m exhausted and scared and I don’t have anything left in me to go through the courts. I’m seriously considering doing a runner with the kids… but I don’t think it would be fair on them to make that kind of decision for them. Christ what a mess.

You're panicking and need to calm down. Take it one step at a time and your first step needs to be a safety assessment because you say you're scared.

They will assess your safety and advise you on how to move forward.

Don't look at it all at once, just do one thing at a time. You can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, Refuge webchat or your local service.

Thank you. Ok so I’ll contact the places you’ve all recommended, and I’ll try to stay quiet and calm around H so there’s no conflict. Any whiff of me losing it or getting angry he’ll be down at SS again. He’s started recording me on his phone.. even before I speak. He almost goads me into a reaction while he sits in silence recording his nutter wife.

Is he out on Monday? If so, call then. You're completely right, don't do anything different. Don't challenge him. Ignore him recording you.

Don't mention leaving.

Contact one of the services and tell them everything, let them assess you and they'll advise on what to do next.

Ok I will thank you. He’s out all day Monday so I can do it all then. Really, thank you

No problem. You're doing really well. You might find this helpful
https://refugetechsafety.org/guide-secure-your-phone-basics/

I feel for you @Jujujudo that's a horrible situation to be in.
Do a runner to women's aid, there will be a way to get a refuge space. A friend had to do this as she had gone to her parents home and her abusive husband turned up and smashed the door down trying to get in to force her to go home. She literally had to go into hiding.