Two failed relationships and two children

[motheroreily]

I’m not even sure what I’m looking for—advice, reassurance, or just someone who gets it. I’ve had two serious relationships. The first was abusive and although it was hard, I did the right thing leaving. We have a child together.

I met someone else after 4 years he moved and had a baby. But when our baby was just 8 months old, he walked out. No warning, no real explanation. I found out later he’d cheated. I was completely blindsided and heartbroken.

I’ve got my own place and a reasonable job. But deep down, I just feel awful. I’m the only one in my circle of friends who’s divorced, and I have two children by two different dads. I feel embarrassed—even ashamed sometimes—and like I’ve failed my children by not giving them that stable family unit.

I’m doing everything I can to make a happy home for them. But I feel awful especially for my older child as I brought someone into their life and they left.

What's done is done. Going forward I would say you are putting a roof over the heads of both you and your children and holding down a job. Don't jeopardise that again. You are under no obligation to ever live with another man, have any more children or even introduce someone to your children.

I had one child with ExH. We separated when she was 6. I didn't have any more children through choice. I have now been with current DP for 5 years, we don't live together, he and DD say hi to each other in passing if she's going to see her dad or he's picking me up to go out (she's 15 now), but I can't tell you how liberating it is to know that everything DD and I have is ours. No relationship breakdown will ever affect us in the catastrophic way it did when her DF and I separated.

Kids from different dads is very common these days and I certainly wouldn't judge if you have the means to support them yourself. You already know men aren't reliable so don't pin your future plans on any of them sticking around and doing the right thing, financially or otherwise.

FWIW DD can barely remember her actual dad living with us and your older child will be the same if they are under 8 or so. Don't rush into the whole "family" thing again. You're already a family.

Agree with @FatLarrysBanned - you are already a family. Don't get hung up on what the perfect family looks like - many people who come from the traditional family set up are deeply unhappy and NC with their parents.

Also, your relationships didn't fail - they ended. They brought you two amazing children (who you are supporting alone - go you!) so definitely not a failure.

You are not responsible for either the abusive twat or the cheating one - that's on them. Build a life with your two wonderful children. You are amazing as you are.

You’ve been incredibly unlucky OP. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard but you’ve done that put your child first and left.
It’s not your fault that your No2 Prince turned into a toad. What a …… walking out on you and his child. I hope he’s paying CMS!
Relationships are not easy . You sound like a hard working lovely Mum whose beating yourself up about things not within your control .
Remember to Be kind to yourself . If these feelings are becoming hard maybe think about counselling x x

You haven’t failed your children. You did the right thing first time round by leaving an abusive man. Failing your child would have been staying. The second situation was out of your hands, you cannot control other peoples actions.

Why should you be ashamed? You weren’t abusive. You didn’t cheat and walk out on your kids. You’re the one who’s been their stability and love and who’s providing for them. You should be proud of yourself for being a good Mum who’s taking responsibility for her children’s wellbeing and providing them with a safe, stable, loving home and all the love you give to them. That’s all kids need. You ARE their stable family unit. Families come in all shapes and sizes from the nuclear family to single parent families to grandparents raising grandchildren and same sex parent families to name but a few. Nobody really cares tbh. Anyone who judges you for having 2 kids to 2 men isn’t worth bothering about. In this day and age, it’s common. Instead of beating yourself up, every day acknowledge the fact that you’re providing for your children, including loving them with all your heart and giving them a safe, loving home. That’s all kids want. That’s all they need. You’re doing grand and don’t let anybody tell you any different.

You couldn't see the future and you're doing the best you can. No one can ask for more.

Hey, I know this message was a while ago but it was like reading exactly the same thing about me. After one abusive relationship and 2 children, I met another guy, I thought he was the hero of my story. My kids loved him, he was amazing, we bought a house, I got pregnant and my life had turned around. I felt safe and loved with him. Something I thought wasn’t possible for me. The day I found out I was pregnant, I also found out he was cheating. There was more than one woman. Only difference is I’m still with him. I can’t bare to go through another separation again. I’m still battling my abusive ex in court for child arrangements nearly 5 years down the line. He’s financially crippling me. To go through that again would kill me. I feel like such a failure. Like I’m such a fool for falling in love and putting my children through heartbreak and an idiot for getting pregnant again (although I adore all my children) that I should have known not to trust a man again. I haven’t told anyone as I couldn’t stand to see the disappointment on my parents faces as they also love him. I can’t offer any advice as I am a complete mess on the inside but carry
on and pretend to the world I have this amazing life. To offer advice would be wrong considering you are actually doing so much better than me but I thought that you should know that you aren’t alone. Really well done for getting a place and working. I know how tough that must have been.

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