Help me with your mumsnet wisdom 🙏

[BeElatedPeachLion]

This has taken me a long time to reach out..cut a lonnnnnng story short(er) I'm asking for support and confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.
I've been with my dp for 8/9 years, we have 2 dc 7&2 years old. Throughout our time together we've had an emotional rocky ride, dp has bipolar (self medicated) and has been awful to me, every event we have seems to tip him over and I have lost my trust in our relationship..we just go round in repetitive circles..I've managed alot of stuff on my own emotionally as he's so disengaged when shit gets real, my son was seriously ill last year and my dp was really unsupportive and going through a mental health low so i carried the load. Anyho, recently, mother's day, he stormed out, that weekend I had found out my dad has cancer so wasn't really with it, anyway, he took offence to the way I was and stormed off before my folks came round. I had 3 days of him being away with the occasional message and fly by to get stuff and a torrent of verbal diarrhoea from him..since then I called it quits, he keeps acting like we are together, upset that ive told people we have split up and says that he would have liked to have known, i feel really lost, one minute i think we are on the same page and then he starts acting like i've made everything up, we still live in the same house and he is so up and down its painful. He came back earlier (after I had collected my dad from the hospital after his first operation) saying no one cares about him, he's invisible and is fed up with everything..the empath in my feels sorry for him but I'm also incredibly upset by his selfishness..I haven't explained it very well at all..I just don't know what I'm doing, one minute I feel strong and feel that I'm making the right decision for the kids and I by splitting up the next I feel like maybe I'm the problem (very taylor swift) and that I should try and work things out....ahhhhh I'm so stuck xx

Your partner may have mental health issues but he clearly can't cope with anything serious happening within the family. Unsupportive when your son was unwell and now when your Dad is unwell. You're distracted due to a serious situation, rightly worried but your partner makes it all about him. He's almost like a toddler, who's not getting the attention he wants, so throws his toys out of his pram! You must spend your time walking on egg shells. You're taking the emotional burden for everyone in your family and expected to 'hold the fort'. To be honest you'd be better off being single, than having to deal with your partner's behaviour. You say he's bipolar but it's self-medicated - by what???! Has he been properly diagnosed? Why isn't he taking medication prescribed by a Doctor? Has he actually sought any professional help? You need to make sure he understands that your relationship is finished. Do you both own your home? Or are you both on a tenancy? Can you afford to stay where you are on your own?

Grateful for your response, thank you..he tells me he was diagnosed as young adult, he was on lithium etc but it made him feel awful so he started to self medicate with the cannabis alternative (can't remember what it's called). I have repeatedly asked him to go to the Dr's, he did once and then covid happened and it all went out the window..yes I am constantly on egg shells and feel like I live with jekyll and Hyde, I try and protect my kids from it all but it's very obvious they pick up on the vibes..we are joint owners of our home, at one point he said he wanted to buy me out but that seems to.have been a fleeting moment..I can't afford to live here on my own and unfortunately to my dad's diagnosis I am unable to stay with them.
I feel very stuck and wonder how the funk I'm still smiling and faking life xxx

There's nothing your partner can do about the way his mental health affects him when he's unmedicated. There's nothing you can do to control it either.

You do have control about exposing your children to someone with a serious mental health problem.

You need to ask him to move out until he's medicated and has support. You can contact Rethink for further advice.

I could have written that - apart from having youngsters in the house.
Unsupported, disrespected, questioning your own sanity, tied in knots and cant do right for doing wrong. And his mental health issues.
STOP! You cannot fix him - only he can do that, if he wants to.

He is a grown man with choices. Regardless of what mental health issues he has, you are not his doctor or therapist. If he is unwilling, unable or cannot see the need for some help, that is his problem.
This is obviously really affecting you - us empaths have this awful habit of thinking we can help everyone - but we can't.
What do you want? What does your ideal life look like? Don't you deserve everything from him that you are putting into this relationship too?

Sometimes we have to admit defeat and think of us for a change - it already sounds like you are a single mum anyway? If nothing else, get a break from him and tell him to move out for a while?