I'd like to hear stories of how you climbed out of rock bottom....

[hopeful198]

I'm posting in relationships because this is really about relationships.

I'm 40 and honestly, life is not going well.

In the last 2 years, I left my fiance after finally realising how abusive the relationship was, that meant leaving the house I had put all my savings into (we bought jointly) and living in a room share. The relationship had me fully believing I was mentally ill, and that I was a terrible person. It took about 6 months of weekly therapy just to convince me it was abuse (I am still in therapy).

After 18 months single, I met someone new, thought they were really nice, only to realise that I was being treated as a convenience and that they were not interested in treating me as anything other than a FWB. I got pregnant purely by accident after 4 months with them (yes used protection fyi) and had to make a really hard decision. I chose termination because he already had a child, no money to support us, and I had a career that meant a lot to me in terms of my independence (I earn well) but maternity was basic. I never wanted to be a single mum and wasn't in the position to do it with my living situation and trying to sell my house. He didn't have his own place either and lived with his mother.

I found out that the guy was lying about a lot of things regarding his existing child and that he basically ran away and left his ex to deal with everything. I got in touch with her before I made my final decision and she told me exactly what happened...and he ghosted me after that. 2 months later and he's back on dating apps. I on the other hand am completely devastated over the choice I had to make and accepting i will probably never have children, but she and I are now great friends and I plan to visit her in south africa.

Then 8 weeks ago... I lost my job. I know it's because of everything above just becoming too much. My boss just said "you need to go on a pip" and instead I said let's just negotiate and exit because he already told me he didn't think i could achieve success. He didn't want me there and it was clear. I have NEVER had these issues in my career before. Finding a new job is hard, the market is awful, it's never been like this and all i get are rejections despite checking and re-checking my CV and i get calls then just get ghosted.

My aunt also died the next month (April) and my mum is grieving deeply as it was her twin sister.

I thought I was close with MY sister, but she has been completely absent, she's basically disappeared off with her boyfriend, the only invites i get are to be with both of them (which i don't want to do right now) and I spend my days driving around trying to pyche myself up to keep going, or i go to the gym, or I do some gardening and some days i just don't get out of bed.

I am doing what I can for myself but I am incredibly sad about having never met anyone, having no family, relationships falling apart or not being what they seem and it's just lead me to realise that I am a people pleaser and that I need to stop accepting people like this in my life. But I have no idea when life will get better, I Just feel like i have nothing right now, nobody.

Can anyone relate, and how did you get through it?

Sounds like an awful lot to deal with OP. Honestly the 'rock bottom' was the best thing that ever happened to me but it's so tough when you are going through it.

It made me question my relationships as you are doing. I had to work really hard on who I let into my life and my boundaries. I'm older now and it's not perfect but definitely much better.

You've got this. Keep going, keep working on yourself and things will improve. Keep this thread going and let us know how you are doing in small steps perhaps.

Can you tell me more about how you handled it and what happened? Honestly it just feels overwhelming right now? I just don't know how i'm going to overcome any of this.

Hi I can relate... you're not going to be here forever it just feels like that at the moment....it's all a bit overwhelming..... change your mindset change your life.... that was my motto and that's the work I did...discovered I was a people pleaser too so worked on changing that (hard at first but effective) leave the past behind pick one of the things you want to be different and make that change .... work on it till it happens and then onto the next ..... you'll be surprised how quickly things turnaround....hugs

My advice to you would be to focus on what you do have in your life that’s amazing and get some good therapy and start making little small changes towards the life you want.

It’s not quite the same but several years ago, I lost my entire biological family to estrangement (not my children, but I mean my family of origin). I have literally no family, no parents, no siblings, no aunts, uncles, cousins. Years of binge drinking turned into addiction and I was drinking about 200 units a week (a proper rock bottom). I got sober and have been sober over 2 years now.

Then I got cancer, have stage 3 cancer now, unsure if it’s responding to treatment yet or not. I lost my job because of the cancer. 20 year career and very specific training that will be impossible to return to if/when I’m well again.

It’s properly shit. But there are always good things in your life. In your case, you do have family, maybe not as close as you’d like them to be, but you absolutely aren’t completely alone. You have your health. Your mental health has taken a hit, but you have the blessing of time without the demands of full time work or caregiving to focus on you. What makes you feel better? Whatever it is, do it often.

You’ve lost your job, which is a huge stressor, but sometimes it’s very much a hidden opportunity, a blessing in disguise. Maybe it’s time for a change. Would you rather be doing something different? Would you rather live somewhere different? You are not tied down to anything. That is something a lot of women dream about at your age.

You can literally pick up and go (with a bit of planning). I hit a similar place in life around 30. Lost my job, got rejected from every postgraduate programme I applied to, horrible relationships with losers one after another, hated my housemate, so I looked online, found a volunteer role in India that would house me and I moved to India for a year. I met Dh 8 weeks later btw. But that was one of the happiest years of my life. If I’d been comfortable at home and if everything hadn’t gone to shit, I never would have been pushed to do it. And it was the best thing I ever did. Maybe this is a sign it’s time for a big change. Either way, I’d try to flip all the shitty stuff around to see what the positive is you can squeeze out of it, then start doing little things to work on it. It will keep you busy and help you change your frame of mind about it all.

I'm keeping your message saved, you are an amazing person, and Jesus I feel humbled reading everything you have been through. Thank you so much. You have no idea how this hit me.

In my 20s which I realise is different in terms of timescale but similar in rock bottom ness I was in a terrible relationship. The guy was abusive, I got pregnant and had a termination which mess my mental health (along with the abuse obvs). I dropped out of a very prestigious uni to live in squalor with awful guy. I thankfully left, went to my parents, went back to uni and as I finished my finals my dad died. Got into another shit relationship. Had terrible alcohol problems, alienated my friends, no career to speak of.
i realised from there it could only go up. I had a lot of therapy, got help for my mental health, stuck with the good friends I had who had loved me at my worst. I honestly don’t know when it started to get better but it did. My life now is unrecognisable and people do a double take when I talk about my past.
focus on the people you have, try to embrace the fact of your independence and really go for whatever you want. Hopefully you have a long life ahead of you and are free from shitty men dragging you down.

I am truly sorry to read how difficult things have been for you OP, sounds really hard.

I can relate. Hit rock bottom at 21 (now 38), everything went horribly, horribly wrong one thing after another.

Things that helped:

• A good friend calling daily who didn’t hours listening to me.
• My Mum insisted on taking me out for a daily walk when my preference was to sleep/be on my own.
• People around me behaving normally around me when I felt anything but.
• Removing any unnecessary pressures.
• Temporarily taking sleeping tablets to help me get on top of overwhelming anxiety.
• Counselling.
• Taking things 1 day at a time.
• Time- it’s the biggest cliche, but it really took a lot of time to grieve and feel less intensely distressed each day by certain discoveries.

It may not seem like it now, certainly didn’t to be, but I promise things will change and feel better for you.

Hi OP, I think you just need to take it a day at a time and celebrate each win as it comes. The house will sell. You'll get a new job. You'll find somewhere you like living. You'll do it on your own terms! You'll find another relationship if you want one, but once you've got the house and job sorted you'll probably be in a better place anyway and can decide if you want to date. Your life will evolve and you'll make more friends along the way, especially once in new job etc. It's hard right now but step by step it will get better until you look back and see you're miles ahead.

I’ve had two Rock bottom moments. The first was 6 years ago I was in a very stressful job, we were massively struggling with my son then in the space of a week my grandad died, my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my son was diagnosed with autism and my uncle died. I just collapsed, spent two weeks in bed then started to climb slowly out of my hole. I had CBT, EMDR, hypnotherapy and I started walking and took up yoga.

A few months ago after months of back pain I collapsed unable to walk I was in severe pain and it gf as taken much a of recovery time and I’m still in pain every day

Mine is outing and I have posted it too many times and I don’t want to be identifying.

I come from a highly abusive family / no contact with all of them.

I married an abuser. He destroyed my life.

I ended up a single parent and in piles of debt with SEN children. Met abusive men who seemed nice but were arseholes.

Went single got a dog, worked hard, did lots of therapy concentrated on my children (it’s hard but easier than with a bad partner). Did loads more therapy.

Had happy children ( hard and a nightmare at times) and I did a lot and still do self care.

A friend said you must meet x at work he’s you. A year I put him off. Met him. O m G he was lovely and kind and normal. He is now my DH, we now have 3 dogs, 2 horses, 3 kids and I’m about to go part time.

My own tips are these

1. remove negative people
2. live where you feel safe
3. self care and create a safe home
4. get a pet that loves you - as my user name suggests can’t be a Labrador
5. Feel the sun on your face every day
6. walk every day
7. get out in the garden every day
8. listen to great podcasts (no effort) like how to fail
9. Therapy therapy therapy - and loads of loads of gentle gardening and dogs
10. if you can manage a day manage an hour

Start small. Find small tiny things today that are going ok. Since things overall are hard, these are small tiny thigns. WRITE THEM DOWN, this helps your mind notice them more.

Here are some examples that i wrote down when i was going through a horrible time.

• your warm cup
• the way the sun shines through the window and cast a pattern of shadows
• the feeling of peeling an apple
• how a stranger gave me a smile on the bus for no reason
• a flower sprouting in an unexpected place

Open your heart for the little things and joy will slowly enter.