Living Apart Together - can it actually work?

[ElleC90]

This might be a longish one but will try to keep it as brief as I can!

I'm 35 soon, have 2 kids with ex hubby (14 & 9) and have been in a relationship with my OH for just over 4 years, he has a daughter who is 8. We live 25 miles apart, kids go to different schools and we live separately with no way to cohabit at least until the kids are 18/have left home.

Realistically it's too hard to blend families given the distance and would put a lot of stress on both of us. That being said, recently I've felt we are just "coasting". Friends around us are having babies, getting married, buying homes together and I feel we are just boyfriend & girlfriend sleeping over at each other's houses 2 or 3 nights a week. It makes me really sad we don't get to have all the "normal" relationship things and don't really see an end in sight to the 1.5 hr round trips to each others homes, slotted in between full time work and parenting.

10 years seems like a long way away to actually be able to live together. I've been really struggling recently with the future and what that looks like. Has anybody overcome these types of feelings and did your relationship last?

I will add this man is everything I've ever wanted. Kind, affectionate, great sex, handsome and I suppose I need a kick up the arse or some positive stories of LAT before I open my mouth, let my belly rumble and lose this man ☹️

I’m in a long term LAT relationship, we’ve been together 7 years. We both have children of similar ages, he had one full time and one 50/50, I had mine both full time. They are all adults now but we still have 3 out of 4 living at home (both of his as the youngest moved in FT at 16, my eldest moved out after uni). I used to think we might live together when the youngest turned 18, I now realise we have a few years yet!
As they’ve got older it’s become more flexible, childcare not needed, they have their own lives outside of home so spend nights with their boyfriends/ girlfriends or go on holidays independently. So we spend more time together floating between both homes.
It works for us, we never argue, what is there to argue about if our housework and finances are separate. We have an agreement that we’ll talk about moving in together when they all leave home, we just don’t know when that will be. We’re certainly not either asking our 18 year olds to leave or moving them in together as per the Stepbrothers movie. (I do think his eldest should be making plans to live independently though)

Nearly 16 years of being in a LAT here. Partner works 200 miles away, and since late 2024 has been looking after/living with his father (who lives in the same city as him) after his mother died.

Over those years I've heard every version 'it's not a real relationship' 'why don't you live together' etc possible. I'm also bipolar, menopausal and for the sake of my mental health I need a lot of time alone, peace and quiet.

Other people's opinions no longer bother me. Our relationship works for me. We spend all our annual leave together, and he comes to stay with me whenever is possible. When there has been a real emergency (has happened a couple of times) he's only 2 hours away. My ex husband - who I am on very good terms with, and my partner also counts as a friend - lives local to me and is always there as backup...in fact he's looking after my two cats when partner and I go on holiday next week!

I don't envisage us living together under one roof until my partner's father is deceased. Realistically, that could be another 10 to 15 years. I'm fine with that, I'm not a woman who needs someone constantly with her.

Did you want more babies?

We did it for about 8 years, and then another 7 living together before he passed away.

I do wish I'd had more time having him all to myself now but there wasn't really a way to make it happen earlier. He was caring for two family members, and their disability needs and mine were incompatible with all living together (Think one person needing handholds available everywhere and coasting on furniture to get around and one needing wide open walkways for a wheelchair. One needing a toilet seat lowered and one needing it raised etc).

He moved in with me after they died but he became very ill himself soon after and we spent our last few years muddling through caring for each other.

It can work but you need to be on the same page around if there is an end date to this, or if it's going to continue forever. You also need to be on the same page about having any more kids, as things would need to change for that to happen.

It sounds like you live quite far apart, is it possible for one of you to move closer without moving in? I deliberately rented a place a 5 min drive from him so that we could just nip over for dinner or a quick chat which made things feel a lot more spontaneous.

In all honesty getting dressed up for them coming no fighting over bills etc no picking up mucky pants and arguing over housework it's much better

@ElleC90

His daughter will be going to high school within the next three years.

Would he consider moving closer and choosing a secondary in your area?

Sorry I should have said - my 2 boys are with me 60/70% of the week and he has his daughter 40/50%. He usually has his daughter overnight 1 or 2 nights during the school week, 1 or 2 weekend nights and does school pick up 2 days also. Probably not possible to move closer or together for those reasons ☹️

I was dead against it until recently, but I'm not sure if it's my body telling me you're getting older use those eggs 😂 or if it's just the fact everyone round about us is having kids/more kids that's making me feel like that. In all honesty, not having more kids isn't that important to me - it's more about whether 10+ years of the way we live atm is feasible x

Yeah the journey can take an hour at peak times, 40 minutes if the traffic is quiet. It is a long way.

I think moving closer may be possible as the kids get older, but still realistically a good 4/5 years away and still wouldn't be able to move any of them schools due to coparenting with ex partners x

5 years here, similar journey times, 1 night a week and eow. We tried to blend and it went terribly, turns out we both have ND kids. We're looking at 7 years at least...but! As someone up top said, when they're late teens it's a lot easier to work round them, in theory. I know the feeling...like it's not substantial. We ended up having a joint savings for holidays and things we wanted to do, projects etc. We have long term plans that aren't housing related. Things like that keep us trucking along. I miss not having someone to climb onto the sofa/into bed with each night but I also appreciate not having to navigate a blended household and step children. I've done that before. Lovely step ds but often a difficult role.

I think it’s important to think about what is actually bothering you here. Is it because you don’t feel like it works for you or is it actually more about not feeling like you're progressing in the way you feel you should be?

This is definitely how I’d want to do things rather than trying to blend two families but if you feel differently then you need to think about ending the relationship.

Interesting to read this as I am in the early stages of this. Realistically we've got another 5 years of living separately. My only issue in these early stages is believing he exists when we are apart as he's not a great texter (with anyone not just me)

But I can definitely see many positives in the arrangement.