Struggling in not wanting to be with him

[Swampedin]

We’ve been married for 6 years, together longer. Mortgage, 3 kids - all the responsibilities that go with that. I’ve known for a couple of years that we’re just not meant for each other, our relationship expectations, communication styles, sex etc.. just don’t align. We’ve briefly separated last year but decided to get back together to help with finances and because we thought we could make it work, turns out, we just can’t or I can’t! He’s not done anything horrendous, I just don’t love him romantically at all, I feel like I’m suffocating in my own life. There’s so much pressure to keep our lives afloat (finances, the kids stability/wellbeing etc).. it’s all so much when I’m doing with someone that isn’t my person. We co-parented great together, but financially it was all a bit of a mess.

Any advice? Or similar going on?

my DC are 10, 6 & 4 😔 so very young! I’m mid 30s.

Are you having an affair or thinking about it with someone?

Sounds like the split should be made permanent, maybe try counselling 1st

Did you not work out your were unsuited 10 yrs ago?

No, I was madly in love with him. Much younger and excited to start a life with him. I felt we was much more compatible then but as we’ve aged.. it’s apparent how naturally our personalities are so different.

We did counselling, prior to our previous separation, it didn’t help unfortunately. He’s quite lazy with our relationship and putting in any long term effort- dates and being generally romantic or thoughtfulness.

No affair, just fed up and lonely unfortunately

I think you should tell him the truth. Just sit him down and say that you think you should split up permanently because since trying counselling, separation and getting back together, you feel lonely and unhappy. Tell
him you feel like he’s not put in the effort and that you’d rather be alone than married and lonely. Maybe that will kick his arse into gear to actually put some work into the relationship. A lot of men are lazy bastards until they realise they’re about to lose everything. And if he doesn’t want to make the effort then you split.

@TipsyJoker thank you. I’ve had the conversation with him many times about being lazy with our love, I’ve always been the one making the effort for dates and things, he will be miraculous (I mean; attentive,plan a date, arrange for us to watch a movie with snacks) for 2-3 weeks then back at it again and I’m left feeling overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time. I just feel like is it all a reason to break up a family though.. our sex is non existent, intimacy lacks too. I will send him a risqué picture and he will reply with an underwhelming gif or simple emoji like.. 🥰 then nothing.. it’s deflating

@Swampedin it sounds to me like the relationship has run its course. You can stay nd try and pretend its all okay but deep down in your heart you know its time to call it a day.. Better to have one happy parent than two unhappy ones

This must be difficult ur trying everything to make it work and get nothing in return. If someone reacted to my pictures like that, I would feel terrible and not do it ever again.

ur young, u deserve more than this whole lot of nothing!

@shellyleppard thats the trouble.. he’s very happy and content. He’s a simple man that wants and needs little. His ex wife left because in her words “felt lonely being with him”.. I get it now 😔 but he’s happy, I’m not.. so therefore I will be to blame for the family break up and its kills me that I’d do that to my children. I just can’t imagine what my children will think of me when they’re older and if they’ll resent me. Me and my DH both come from married parents.. stayed together for years etc.. so it’s all alien to us bringing up children seperated

@Lostinmyself thank you.. he says I’m overreacting when I say it’s deflating (his response to naughty pictures). I guess you’ve validated me.. so once again, thank you.

@Swampedin its definitely a difficult situation for you. I think your other halfs complacency is a big part of the problem though.

It’s more than deflating, it’s humiliating! You want to feel wanted and are getting nothing in return!

this is not on u! It’s a pattern of behaviour, he just isn’t enough, he doesn’t give enough, he doesn’t love enough! His ex wife thought so and now ur feeling the same.

you should put urself first. Ur children won’t hate u for breaking up the family. When they are older they will respect u were strong enough to want more for yourself. Please don’t waste ur young years, you will look back this time next year and thank urself for having the courage to step away finally. U went back and it didn’t work. U have given it more than most would.

im here if u ever need a lift

Do you want this to be the model of what a relationship and fulfilment should look like for your children? There’s no reason you can’t split and coparent amicably if there’s no abuse. Your husband can’t be arsed. I wouldn’t settle for that. You’re not breaking the family up. His lack of care has and you’re showing your children what self worth looks like.

Can you afford to run two households?

If not, and believe me it's hard, then really, really think about what each of you can do to make it work.

Can you finance your own pension and old age, can you finance house maintenance and holidays for you and your children? I m a single mum, I do all of this, it's relentless.

He might be lazy, but what about you?

Are you needy? Are sexy snaps a little immature at this stage in your relationship? Do you both know what each other's bodies look like? If he sent you a dick pic, would it actually turn you on? Or would it be a chore to communicate to him how impressive he is? If he was seeking these types of pics, would you find it pestering and tedious?

Try counselling again, I think it's normal to mellow into an amiable coparenting relationship. He might be complacent, you might be seeking thrills that mid family life typically doesn't muster.

Do you have hobbies, adrenalin triggers outside of family life?

@Swampedin how r u feeling today?

@Lostinmyself honestly.. the same 😔 but also really deflated and embarrassed by the last comment left on the thread so didn’t feel like I could reply. Thank you for checking in though, that’s really lovely of you!

@Swampedin please don’t let anyone make u feel less than!

I wouldn’t be embarrassed, I am in my 30s and defo want to feel wanted and desired. This is a basic need for me.

Also, yeah separating would be a struggle financially but u can do an online benefit calculator to see if u can get any additional support. I’m sorry but I would rather be skint than miserable!

how’s things at home? U had a chance to speak to him?

Would he consider opening the marriage if the only thing lacking is sexual desire and excitement?

If financially you would both be worse off and you get on well day to day you could look to see if that would be something he could consider. But also you would need to accept he would also be going outside the marriage and seeing him spend his energy on another person could make things worse.

Sorry it’s a hard one and I agree with both sentiments that life is too short to be miserable but also, the grass isn’t always greener and splitting up your family is not something to be done lightly.