Unmarried mum and feeling financially snookered in relationship

[Platespin]

I’m asking for advice as have no idea what to do to improve my situation. Since my son was born five years ago my relationship with my partner has deteriorated to the point where things are frequently unpleasant between us. We have tried counselling but that didn’t help. Despite earning a decent income, I feel financially on the back foot. I’d been renting alone in London for years before I met my partner and had no assets (I take accountability for that). I then moved into his flat a couple of years before we had our child. As his work is less stable than mine, we agreed that he would cover the mortgage which is in his name and I would pay for everything else. As our son is getting older these costs have naturally escalated. He saves to overpay on the mortgage with the aim of being mortgage free in 10 years.

If I was to leave, I would have nothing more than a few grand of old savings in the bank and would struggle to set up on my own as I can’t afford to save in our current situation. We talked about drawing up a cohabitation agreement but as communication between us has already broken down that also brought conflict. It might be controversial but when I said that in the event of us splitting up, I would want some compensation for the year’s maternity leave I took (which I self-funded and paid the mortgage and bills as he wasn’t working due to covid) and the lost income through going part time, that was shut down.

From the outside looking in, I should be able to leave and be independent but with no possibility of getting a mortgage on my own (there is no option of family support) and rentals being so expensive, I don’t see myself having options that wouldn’t severely impact the quality of life I can give my son. I don’t know what to do to build some security or where to go for advice – solicitor, financial advisor etc. While the relationship hasn’t broken down entirely and I hope for the sake of our family that it can improve, feeling like this is making me feel insecure and hopeless which I expect is affecting my own behaviours within the relationship. Any advice on how to move forward would be appreciated.

Didn't it occur to you that he was paying towards an asset while you were burning money? 😩

Citizen's Advice might be a good starting point.

Oh dear op. You need to act, and act now, you are very vulnerable if he pulls the plug on the relationship. Check what services you have in your area who could advise - seems to differ widely - your Council website might have info (I know mine does)? Women’s Aid? Local charities? I’d be googling locally, maybe checking in libraries too for local info?

@Platespin the longer you leave this the worse it will get, you need to change this or get out quickly even if that means some short term pain. Please!

you need to be splitting the bills in a much fairer way for a start, his only ‘cost’ is mortgage interest- the rest is equity. You need to have the opportunity to save for yourself at the same rate. He’s massively taken advantage of you.

please take some advice on any benefits/child maintenance you’d be entitled to and find a way to start prioritising your future.

I'm sure you know this but legally you cannot claim against him for loss of earnings during maternity or otherwise.

If you have made a material contribution to the home such as paying for an extension or significant renovations you may have a claim against a share of the property but it doesn't sound like that from your post.

You say that before your partner you were renting with no assets, would you have been able to get a mortgage at any time since then? What I mean is, yes it will be totally shit to walk away with a few grand of your own savings and nothing else but if you hadn't moved in with him would you have ended up with a mortgage and equity or would you have continued to rent and be in a similar position? Sometimes re framing the scenario is a useful way to think it through for me.

Ultimately if you're not married you are unlikely to have a claim on the house, or for spousal maintenance.

I'm so sorry you're in this position.

How much does he earn relative to you? How much is the mortgage compared to other costs?

He earns about half what I do, sometimes more than half, sometimes less. The mortgage payments are low as it's interest only but then he saves and pays lump sums off. Spread across a year it probably works out as approx half of what my monthly outgoings are for the family. It broadly evens out in that sense except his outgoings are largely investing and mine are on consumables.

I didn't know that I couldn't legally claim for loss of earnings, so thank you. I'd hoped that in the spirit of what I've sacrificed financially and career-wise for our family compared to him that he might take it into account. You raise a good point about whether I'd have been able to financially progress as I was. It's complicated as I had more potential earning power then than I do now as I am also the primary carer and took a step back in my career to facilitate that as well as to provide greater financial stability for the family (my last job was pregnant was more senior but less secure)

When you say you paid the mortgage during covid - did you pay it directly to the mortgage co or to him? If to him, did you mark it as 'mortgage' or anything when you transferred the money?

You need to stop paying for everything and allowing him to save to pay more of his mortgage that you don’t have any claim on. You have been way too generous and he has really taken advantage of you.

You earn double what he does and you want compensation?