Partner keeps lying, am I being silly?

[Gemmie224]

Hello! I've come on here for some honest advice, as I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this :)

Me and my partner have been together for 4 years, we have a great relationship and get on so well, there's just a problem that he's lied to me a few times during our relationship which has affected me. When we first got together, I found him looking for escorts and casual sex on his phone, he drenied it and said he doesn't know how it got there, he cried and begged for my forgiveness.

He used to search his ex on Facebook alot and also denied!

Everything has been fine since, we went to a party a couple of weeks ago, one of his sisters told me the reason his oldest brother doesn't speak to my partner is because my partner had sex with his gf at the time (years before I knew him) but it's made me feel uneasy and insecure, am I being silly?

Thank you for reading! 🤗

No, not silly at all Op. Each thing isn't that big on it's own but together they show a pattern of behaviour, even if he has a partner he's always sneaking about looking for more sex. If he was willing to blow up his relationship with his DB for sex there's not much hope he'll stay faithful to you.
Afraid I'm going to say dump him @Gemmie224 , he'll swear he's not like that any more but I don't believe that

You're being silly staying with him, that's the extent of your silliness.

Don't waste more of your life on this dross.

Dishonesty is a top deal-breaker. I genuinely don't know why any woman would even think about staying with such a man. He sounds gross to have been looking at escorts.

Thank you for answering me, I just feel I over reacted by feeling so anxious and uneasy about what I was told. I've told him hes broken my trust again, hes been doing everything he can to prove to me he's changed but I cant shake it! We have children together also, so I don't want to do anything irrational x

Men who coerce sex from prostituted women are the lowest of the low.

You caught him seeking out women to coerce and he gaslit you into believing your eyes didn't see what they saw and then he cried? How utterly repulsive. How can you stand to be anywhere near him?
You could be enjoying life, don't accept scumbag blokes in your life.

I just feel so stupid for giving my heart and everything to someone again, I feel I don't know half his past :(

He doesn’t sound like a very nice type of person.

Irrational would be staying to experience more of this.

This type of man will never stop, will always turn on the sorry crap to disarm you, and will continue to be an arsehole.

It's a bit of an unedifying pattern, isn't it?

I don't know about others, but for my money the escorts thing would have been a deal-breaker, no questions asked. You're not unreasonable to have a long term eye on his behaviour. With that at the start of your relationship it's understandable to want to call quits anytime. It wasn't a solid foundation. I think the other bits are just showing more hints of his character.

How old was he when he slept with his brother's.gf? Teenage, not serious relationship maybe forgivable but that's a big betrayal.

I think he's given enough hints

And the thing is, it's not about putting it right after the fact. You want someone who you don't feel uneasy about.

@Gemmie224 please don’t feel silly. This isn’t on u. He chose these behaviours not u. All u are guilty of is giving him a chance.

but how would u be able to cope if more came out? And it’s likely to? If it was me I would cut my losses now to save anymore heartache

He’s a liar and a crier - a terrible combination!

You’re in a difficult position because you know he is not a man of good character. One of those things on their own could maybe be overlooked but put together they show a man with poor impulse control, lies easily, does not care about the impact on those close to him and takes no responsibility for his actions.

It’s not easy to walk away when you have already forgiven his past behaviour. Having said that you don’t need a reason divorce. You are feeling anxious because you know deep down that it is only a matter of time before he does something that will nuke your family.

If he had shown insight into his behaviour and taken steps to make a real change like therapy etc then maybe you would feel like his is a different person but from what you have said all he seems to have done is cried when he thought he might lose you.

@OchreRaven they're unmarried, so he can be easily dumped. OP can communicate with him by parenting app and he can go and weep elsewhere.

Ugh there seems to only be two types when they get caught: liars and cry or lie and get angry/call you mad/gaslight 😑

Grim. At least you know now so you can stop wasting your time. Raise your standards and don't let someone do this to you again.

Every time a thread starts with 'we have a great relationship' or 'He's a wonderful partner/ dad' you just know there's going to be a 'but' and the bloke is actually a real shit.

'years before I knew him'

Who is slept with back then is irrelevant.

Unless there is something more recent I don't see the issue.

Staying with someone who's been cheating on you with escorts is irrational

Sounds like a catch!! Have some self respect and ditch the idiot

Why did you have kids with a man who was searching for sex workers online? Be realistic with yourself here - how else could the searches get there unless he had done them?

Why were you checking his phone so much to begin with? You must have had suspicions?

The fact that you should now break up with him when you’ve got children is on you really.

Thank you all so much for your replies, I've got a lot of thinking to do!! Currently he's being very nice to me, he can't do enough, I just need time to decide what to do I think x