Autism and Admitting You're Wrong

[PollyHutchen]

Do people who have neurodivergent family members have any positive experiences where a person with autism has apologised for their behaviour and said either that they were wrong and/or had failed to understand a valid, alternative point of view.

I am in a situation where someone who might be called high functioning has had what could - at least in part - be seen as a meltdown. But they said truly terrible things and seem, at the very least, to have misremembered a lot. Someone else tried to intervene later, but to no positive effect.

I have been left feeling that perhaps for many years this person has been doing a certain amount of masking and that the underlying neurodivergence affects them more severely than had been apparent. They had been a very challenging teenager and had a very chaotic time of it as a young adult. This would be in keeping with the idea that the brain doesn't fully mature till you are 25, and this process may take even longer for those who are wired differently. But in recent years they'd seemed to be managing life a lot better.

I do get that there is a need to allow for different ways of thinking and being, .

But it is also does not seem right to go along with a neurodivergent world view, when one is being accused of terrible things. (Yes, it may be a narrative that works for the person with autism, but it is also an unhelpful narrative that they have got trapped in.)

I am not suggesting confrontation/argument, which might simply end up encouraging them to become even more fixed/stuck.

Do you want them to apologise so you feel better, or do you want them to see things differently? Their perspective may be wrong, but it's likely that it's genuinely how they see things. So it's unlikely that they are going to see things differently because you want them to. That means that the best you'll get is an apology that is functional rather than sincere.

I’m not sure what you’re asking? You want someone to apologise to you because they had a meltdown?

Do people who have neurodivergent family members have any positive experiences where a person with autism has apologised for their behaviour and said either that they were wrong and/or had failed to understand a valid, alternative point of view.

To answer this though, yes. The majority of the time, regardless of what level of ND, there has always been apologies and a conversation to help both sides understand what happened better. But I don’t expect apologies for meltdowns, they’re completely out of the persons control and forgetting or misremembering is common after a meltdown so usually they’re not even fully aware of what happened during.

my son will apologise for his behaviour after a meltdown. He doesn’t want to lose control of himself and feels bad about lashing out. However he will never apologise for being wrong. He is rarely able to even acknowledge a different viewpoint, especially if he feels strongly about something. If it’s something highly theoretical that doesn’t affect him at all, he can sometimes recognise an opposing viewpoint but will insist it is wrong.

I think that I can understand that when under stress people say terrible things. As if a meltdown is a more extreme version of what we all might do when overloaded.

Also that there is a tendency to cling to one's own views - it is painful and difficult to let go of them.

But what if the neurodivergent person had made quite a major accusation. For a hypothetical example if a neurodivergent husband was absolutely convinced that his wife had an affair, but this was based on say, a couple of small incidents when she'd not been able to do his laundry and had additionally invented/enlarge some incident based on small talk.

So in that case, the wife would feel how can she trust the husband because he was using information in a way that did no justice to her.

His feelings of rage and betrayal might be quite real. And yet he hadn't been betrayed in any meaningful sense of the word.

That sort of thing.

My DH and DS are Autistic and neither naturally accept responsibility or say sorry, so I have to battle for an apology or accept it is not happening. It's extremely frustrating.

Mine won’t say sorry unless he did ‘it’ on purpose. He sees sorry as an admission of deliberately behaving badly, which he doesn’t do.

He can later see things differently and accept they were in fact different (but not that he was wrong).

If I were in a marriage with someone who made accusations and behaved angrily towards me, I would leave. ND is not a free pass to take out your stress and fear on the people you love.

Sorry.

I’m a teacher and I taught many autistic students.

yes some would apologise. Some found it more difficult.

hard to comment further with your example as it sounds very personal.

“If I were in a marriage with someone who made accusations and behaved angrily towards me, I would leave. ND is not a free pass to take out your stress and fear on the people you love.”

I agree will this 100%. I would not stand for this bullying behaviour in a relationship regardless of neurodiversity.

Can't speak for all autistic people but my ND family members never apologise and they never think they are wrong.

I'm in this position. ND relative. Young. Blames me for all sorts. Only wants me to admit guilt. Despite EVERYONE else saying that I've done nothing wrong. The anger and unwillingness to see any other perspective is unreal. It's horrific. I have no idea how to move forward.

My DGC do not remember what they’ve said or done during a meltdown. They will, eventually, apologise but only after it’s pointed out to them that they did some hurtful things; whether this is verbal, physical or both.
They are very black and white and find it difficult to see the other person’s perspective.

Just to warn you, OP, someone will be along shortly to tell you that you’re wrong, that they are ND but always apologise when they are wrong and so you are either ableist or your ND person isn’t actually diagnosed.

When that happens, don’t lose sight of your own perspective. You’ll probably be used to being accommodating at your expense. So dig in and keep talking to the people whose posts help you. Don’t be distracted by people telling you what to think.

This is ridiculous. You can't put autistic people into these boxes.
Most i know are lovely and don't lie. And if they do or get something wrong they feel emotions even stronger and are very sorry.
If you have people in your lives that lie and don't take responsibility then don't blame being autistic. They can just be crap people who do mean things .
Autism doesn't excuse or cause being an arsehole

Timing is a marvellous thing.

But what if the neurodivergent person had made quite a major accusation. For a hypothetical example if a neurodivergent husband was absolutely convinced that his wife had an affair, but this was based on say, a couple of small incidents when she'd not been able to do his laundry and had additionally invented/enlarge some incident based on small talk

They won’t apologise if they still believe it is true.

Noting that ND people tend to take words extremely literally- have they invented things or have they taken what was said as its actual meaning?

what do you mean be ‘enlarged’ some incident? ND people perceive things differently. Is it ‘enlarged’ or is it how they actually experienced it?

Taking all the words at their meaning, and thinking about their perspective- is their conclusion logical?

if yes - they would feel they are the injured party and are entitled to say their piece. So they don’t need to apologise.

if their perception was wrong, that can be explained. But then you won’t get an apology for them thinking it because based on the available inputs they were right. You might get an apology for the delivery, but that would be all.

This is what happens with the ND person in my life (adult).

If we have a disagreement because they screweed up they will meltdown(s)

They will become convinced that black is white, and will dig in and stubbornly defend that belief in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Usually this means that I'm now the supposed guilty party.

Trying to address it just ends with more meltdowns.

Then after a few werks they are calm enough to see things rationally, we can talk things through and they are apologetic.

Repeat ad infinitum.

As an autistic person, this is spot on, especially the last paragraph.

This would be in keeping with the idea that the brain doesn't fully mature till you are 25

This is a myth. I see it stated it on Mumsnet all the time and there is simply no scientific basis for it.

Being an asshole has nothing to do with autism. Having a meltdown does not have to include treating others like crap. That is a choice and something they could apologize for, but nothing unrelated like having a meltdown, which they cannot help.

I also feel this thread is an attempt to stigmatize people with autism even further. With the likes of Musk running around, that is completely unnecessary.

I'm not sure this has anything to do with neurodivergence. It's got a lot to do with the person that has been on the receiving end of the "meltdowns" being willing to stick around to repair the ruptures. As in any relationship. There will be some people who are happy to be in a relationship with someone who is unable to apologise or admit failure or wrongdoing, but there are a lot who are not.

Yeah like the rest of the world really.

I have asd and adhd and have no problem apologising nor do anyone else i know with autism. In fact because we have this sense of injustice we usually apologise far more than NT people do.