Hello, first time poster, long time reader.
I've got a long story here but please bare with me while I try to organise my thoughts.
In short I've discovered my husband has a cam girl addiction which led him to employ an escort to our house and as a result we have separated. Despite this trauma that my 9yo DD and myself are going through, I still love him and I'm grieving for our lost future together and want it back. Could this ever happen? Has it happened to you?
A bit of background first. He's a wonderful man (despite this other side to him). An intelligent, caring, funny man who has always doted on his family and been a wonderful father to our DD. He's always been a bit kinky in bed but I've never put it down to sex addiction before now.
The other day I caught him removing the battery from our doorbell cam and after a few days of him trying to convince me it wasn't his hand we saw and that it was an intruder, he was cornered and confessed. At this point he told me he was on a porn site and through a pop up arranged an escort to come to our home to give him sexual favours (no penetration). I immediately threw him out.
After a couple of days apart, I needed more answers so arranged to meet him, asking for 100% honesty. He arrived fully remorseful and agreed to therapy. He also told me it was a one time thing and had never done anything else. I then asked for his phone (naively, the first time I've ever done this in our 11 year marriage but had never seen the need before). I started looking through his emails and came across a receipt from "adultworks". I asked and he told me what they were. I then asked how many times had he used the site, and he told me with confidence only 3-4 times this year. Then in front of him, I searched his emails using the search bar and it was pages and pages of receipts and comments left from girls on this site. I was devastated and told him to leave. But it gets worse.
Back at home, I managed to hack into his AW account and my god the numbers were disgusting. I added up how many credits he had bought and it was close to £4k worth. Once again, I confronted him and I think he's finally revealed everything he has been doing .
Multiple cam girl sites over five years, since lockdown and working from home, and he has spent nearly £25k.
There's a lot to unpick and I've still not fully processed the whole situation.
I do know that he is ashamed, guilty and remorseful. He's immediately approached a private therapist for help with sex addiction. I'm not sure if he would have continued or even furthered his addiction if he hadn't been caught but he did tell me that he was glad to be caught as he was stuck in a cycle of shame and cheap hits. He also genuinely didn't keep an eye on how much he had spent so is further shamed by his actions of filling sex workers accounts with our family money.
As of today he's been paying off his debt and has about £4k left. He's been hiding a credit card to fuel this addiction. Naively again, I didn't scrutinise our finances and I'll take that hit but I plan to take over everything financial in our home while he is grappling with this addiction.
If you've read this far, thank you. I think it's been cathartic for me to type it all out. I will also be seeking therapy when the waters are a bit calmer .
I guess what I'm trying to get out of this is a glimmer of hope that others have survived this type of grenade to their marriage. I genuinely do believe him when he says that this is an addiction and not malicious intentional (thoughtless addictive actions yes, but not with malice). The lies, shame and cover up all tie in with addiction symptoms. The escort hire is a hard pill to swallow, especially as I know which room and on what furniture it took place on (I'm getting rid of this at the next possible opportunity). He has said it was the next step up in his addiction and he was fulfilling a fantasy he had had since a teen. He felt dirty after. I don't know if I can ever forgive him for that. I'm also trying to grapple with the enormous amount of money that he quite literally * away. We've always been careful with our family expenses, cheap holidays, second hand cars, vinted. He could have spent that on us, spoilt his DD, even treated himself (well, he has done that).
But I don't and can't just throw it all away. I'm devastated but I still love him. I know a lot of you will think I'm foolish for even contemplating this. We have 16 years of life together (11 without these issues - I know for sure as he's used working from home in and since lockdown to hide his habit). We have a wonderful life together and had a beautiful future planned. I have to at least try don't I? For the sake of our family? In sickness and in health?