Partners drinking

[Fairytree]

Hi so I don’t really know where to start but I really don’t know who to talk to about this. I’m really frustrated with my partner with his drinking and the way he talks to me. It’s causing me to feel emotionally dis attached to him.
So the main trigger is a few times recently when he’s been drinking he takes it too far and has anger outbursts at me. A few weeks ago he went to a wake with his brother. Our daughter was 9 weeks old and he assured me he wouldn’t get silly drunk and was just going for a few. He came home at like 1am and was absolutely out of it. I was pretty annoyed at the state he was in because I knew it meant I could have no support with the baby and then he became so angry with me he was screaming and shouting at me the most horrible things. I asked him to leave the room because I didn’t want him to wake the baby and he was ranting and shouting about me and my family resllly hurtful things and I was holding the baby and crying. He was mocking me crying and just coming up to me squaring up to my face. He tried to grab the baby too and it felt dangerous. I rang a friend and at about 2am she came and picked me and the baby up and we slept at her house. The next day I went home and the house smelt like beer and there was sick on the floor in the living room and he hadn’t been to sleep.
Also my grandpa who I never see was supposed to be coming to mine on the morning so I had to cancel my family and get my partner undressed and into bed. There was no point arguing with him in That state. So I told him to get a shower and sleep and took the baby to my sisters. I also messaged his mum because I felt I needed support if he was going to slip back into old drinking habits. Anyway once he had sobered up and had some reflection time he was very apologetic and helpful with the baby and I said it was just a blip and we could get past this…..
then this weekend just gone it’s happened again :( I was really excited about a camping trip with friends. And my partner was like I won’t drink and let you be the one to let your hair down etc. but he ended up getting black out drunk and shouting at strangers and also shouted at my friends and was shouting at me. I’m embarrassed because all my friends saw. I’m so worried about my daughter being exposed to this.
I already don’t see people a lot being a mum and now I feel I have to keep my partner and my friends separate. I’m sad for my partner because he doesn’t have many friends and he’s made all my friends angry.
He can be so lovely sober but the recent drinking anger issues are really affecting me: I feel
like it takes days for my nervous system to calm
down and I feel guilty for my daughter hearing it. Both times I have protected her and got her away but I’m so tired! I have a baby under 3 months and it’s so hard. My boyfriend is feeling like another anxiety rather than a supportive partner and parent:
i tried to talk to him about it today on a walk but I’m met with minimising the situation and he talks to me like a teenager. He just said “it’s not a big deal, I shouted for a bit then I stopped” or he goes into feel bad for himself mode “all your friends hate me now and ill never go out again. Ill never see them again”
there’s so much more but I can’t even write it all. He doesn’t work so he’s always in the house so I never actually get space from him. It’s all taking a real emotional strain on me. I don’t feel like things were resolved in the last time I tried to speak to him. But im not feeling that love for him since the recent anger outbursts. I’m scared to leave my daughter with him because he also gets annoyed with her crying and says things like “oi stop
it” to a 11 week old baby. And when I tell him to watch his tone with her when she’s crying he’s like “I’m allowed emotions too” it’s like yes we all get frustrated with little sleep and a crying baby but it’s not her fault.
I don’t want to walk away because when he’s sober he is good. I don’t even know what I’m saying sorry. I just feel exhausted, deflated, anxious, alone :(

please be kind. I know that it sounds bad and I know I will have to leave if it is not ok for my daughter. I don’t know why I’m writing this at all. I just can’t tell people because I don’t want people
to hate him more. There are loads of good points. When he’s sober things are better.

You have to walk away. If losing you doesn't make him seek help and change his ways, you can rest assured that what you are going through now, if not worse, is how the rest of your life with him will be. Alcoholics love themselves and alcohol first and everyone else is just the supporting cast in their shitshow lives. Minimising it is how he lives with himself. You don't need his agreement that the situation is as bad as you say it is. You cannot build any sort of a meaningful life with someone who is unreliable and untrustworthy.

As for him being lovely when he's sober, I'd use the shit sandwich analogy. You wouldn't eat your favourite sandwich if it had even a smidgen of shit in it would you?

@Fairytree I really hope you are ok ❤️

I can tell you from a child’s perspective, growing up with alcoholic parents (not u, him. But in my case it was both) is the worst thing for a child. Both my parents died in their 40’s, when I was in my 20’s and I’m now late 30’s and the damage is still there. I grew up anxious, worried about them hurting themselves or each other when they were drinking, worried about the silence and the mood swings when they weren’t drinking, worried about friends seeing them, worried about family turning their backs on us and me being totally alone.

I have low confidence and self esteem, I clung to the wrong men for years looking for any sort of love when I was younger, I have stayed with a man who has cheated on me. I am a nervous wreck, have tried counselling over and over again but it’s too difficult.

This doesn’t have to be your daughter’s life, she has you. You will always do right by her. Please read your message back and imagine it was a friend telling you that was happening to her.

i’ll be here to listen anytime. ❤️

So he sounds like a binge drinker, not someone that drinks everyday from dawn to dusk. He has a choice it is really hard, but he cannot ever pick up that first drink. I would be telling him that. If he ever drinks again you are gone. Start planning now as he may well do so. Alcohol is an evil drug, in his defence noone grows up wanting to be an alcoholic. Unfortunately alcohol is addictive, and that is what has happened. Be prepared to leave, but I would give him one last chance

Please leave him, like the previous poster said, if he loves you and wants to save your relationship that will be the trigger for him to seek help.

Although, speaking from experience, don't take him back until he's shown remorse for the way he's treated you. If he doesn't show true remorse you'll know he's putting on an act to get you back and then it'll all start again.

I really feel for you, just reading your post made me feel anxious. You don't have to live like this, and your daughter is young enough that leaving now means she won't know any different.

I really think he could be a danger to you both when he's drinking, this could escalate, please get out now.

For someone to change they must first recognise there is a problem, then they must have motivation to change the problem, and then they must take responsibility for trying to address the problem. With your partner saying his drinking and emotional abuse (because it is abuse) is no big deal, it’s clear he’s not ready to change. It therefore becomes about what you’re prepared to accept for you and your daughter. Are you happy for your daughter to grow up not knowing which daddy she might get that day, the nice one or the abusive one? Are you happy for her to live with a mum who will eventually become a shell of herself? Are you happy for her to learn this is what relationships look like? If the answer is no then you know what you’ve got to do.

There’s lots of more detailed and useful advice already, but as the child of abusive, alcoholic parents, I would beg you to take your daughter away from this situation. It can only cause massive damage, to you and to her.

i really get your situation @Fairytree
my husband doesn’t know when to stop when he starts drinking. The awful comments and the anger that happens.

please put yourself and child first. You need to leave your partner. You and your child don’t have to put up with the outbursts.

He won't change OP. You must leave.

I was with someone who drank like this in my 20s. I wasted those years giving him final chance after final chance before finally leaving him. 25 years later he is still drinking and looks close to the end now.

You need to leave him. Even if you get back together after he needs to know that his drinking could lose him everything.

I say that as someone with alcohol issues. I black out and say the worst things… I did months of therapy, stopped drinking altogether for a long time too and when I did drink again I have strict rules. I can have no more than 2 at any event. Many cannot even manage 2.

It took a lot for me to get here. And a lot of tears from my husband. I’m surprised he stuck with me. But the only option was to accept and work on the issue.

Some of us just cannot handle much alcohol. And shouting at friends isn’t where it ends - violence, getting lost and put in danger and even getting arrested can all be results of such drinking because the point is that once you start being an angry drunk, losing memories etc you never go back to being a happy, easy drunk. The brain just spirals and the reactions get worse.

Walk away because he won't stop! It's not a blip when he's black out drunk shouting and screaming trying to grab the baby, protect the baby! It will get worse op. Much love

You have to leave.

You have to get out. Your daughter is already hearing the shouting. If you don’t leave, her earliest memories will be anger and violence. I can tell you from experience that never leaves a person.

He sounds dangerous. I would not trust him around the baby with those warning signs. He's an albatross around your neck and a tragedy waiting to happen. Kick him out. Put you and your daughter first as he sure as hell isn't.

You are right you need to leave. Be brave, be decisive and do it quickly. You sound as though you have the support of a loving family who are just a phone call away. So make the call. The longer you leave it the more vulnerable you'll be to changing your mind, especially if he stays sober and apologetic for a while. He will use all the emotional manipulation of the self pitying alcoholic, and it will be very hard to resist his vows of love and pleas for your help. The sooner you go the sooner your baby is truly safe.

When he’s sober things are better.

But not that much better, if he gets annoyed with your baby and you don't trust him with her.

He doesn't work.
He doesn't have friends.
He has an alcohol problem.
You feel sorry for him, but he has no friends because of his behaviour.

He's going to ruin your friendships and family relationships too.

You'd be better off splitting up from him.

Hello @Fairytree,

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.

If at any time you feel unsafe again, please call 999 immediately.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

He is no father to his child nor partner to you. Be brave and make the break up from him both permanent and sooner rather than later. Use the support of your family to get away from him.

An alcoholic parent will also emotionally harm your daughter. It’s no life for her either.

Leave before he hurts you or the baby.
He's not even contributing financially - not that his behaviour would then be justified if he were contributing.

I left alcoholic XDH when he came home inexplicably angry with me after a two week bender then went into work to quit, saying it would be fine and we'd live on benefits. I said he could do what he liked, he wouldn't be living with me. I don't think he was sad to be apart from me and DC, other than now having nobody to blame for his behaviour. Almost a quarter of a century ago and he's still (just about) alive and has made it into his 60s. Has never had a meaningful relationship with DC, just rings him up when drunk and wanting to complain about his life, in which of course nothing is ever his fault.

Kick him out, or leave yourself. He'll never change.

This. He is dangerous.

There is a good reason he doesn't have any friends.

You deserve to feel safe in your home and your relationship.

He was so aggressive towards you and your baby that you had to leave your home at 2am.

You deserve so much better than this.

I have to say OP I have been in your situation almost exactly. I stayed and it never got any better.