Married with 2 kids, don't want to separate or divorce but have a strong urge to li e separately

[Siffh]

Married 3 years. 2 kids under 2, and a teenage step child with us full time. No major issues. We all get on fairly well. But I feel exhausted and lonely most of the time. Compromised on a lot. Spend very little time with husband, or even as a family. He and my step child have their own lives/routines and I've always felt like an afterthought. I've realised that me and husband are incredibly different in many ways- he lacks a sense of urgency, can be a little miserly. They're both very very messy. Dirty laundry everywhere, they leave the bathroom a mess, sticky countertops in the kitchen after they use it etc.

I just miss having my own space, just generally having more autonomy in my life. They're both picky eaters so my diet is pretty poor at the moment to cater for them. I'm a SAHM and struggle to keep on top of taking care of my children and cooking and maintaining the house.

I don't dislike my husband. He's a decent man and I care for him. My step child too is a great kid. I don't want a divorce. But I have in my head this idea that our marriage would be stronger if we lived apart. Am I being totally ridiculous? Anyone else every felt the same.

Do whatever makes you happy.

How would you finance that?

OP it sounds like your husband and SC aren’t pulling their weight. If you ask to live separately that will likely be interpreted as wanting a separation/divorce. If you aren’t working then how would you afford to stay married but have a different house?
could you just speak to your partner and step child and ask them to start cleaning up after themselves and pulling their weight?

I often felt this when I was married. Cohab doesn't work for me and now I'm single I'd be very unlikely to choose to live with anyone other than my kids again.

They sound like they're taking too much from you.

With two under two you’re bound to be frazzled. Not saying it’s good but you’re only three years in and made two DC in that time, few marriages would be a bed of roses especially with a teen stepchild in the mix too. You’ve also given up your work/financial independence to be a SAHM which isn’t the best move if you’re wanting to live separately. It doesn’t seem practical I’ve gotta say, unless you’re somehow loaded and/or propertied so the practical side isn’t a problem. Otherwise I’d advise talking to him about the issues and fixing the ones like eating better. Those aren’t insurmountable and are within your control. If you don’t love him any more though then plan to separate for good. Living apart won’t fix your marriage if you’re not working on the real problems.

Stop catering to their picky diets for a start. You will feel better with a healthy diet with the right nutrients. Cook what suits you with maybe a side or pasta or something that they can fill up on. Also just because you are a SAHM doesn't give them a free pass to live like slobs. Start making a few rules about cleaning the bathroom after use and wiping down the kitchen tops etc. You are a SAHM - not a slave.

I have felt similar before when DC were smaller, I remember reading a thread on here about a woman who had bought a caravan to sit in by herself and feeling very jealous 😂
Have you tried other ways to satisfy this urge for more autonomy? Childcare, a room to yourself, a project just for tou?

I don't see how it would make your marriage better. Your life would be easier -you would have less work to do -not cleaning after him and your step son / not catering to their fussy meals and you wouldn't be feeling let down because you know he isn't there to help you so you aren't expecting it. But it's not really a marriage if he gets to just live his own life as he wishes while you do all the childcare and housework. Is that really what you want? Sounds like what would make your marriage better would be him prioritizing you and your children..

Thanks so much for your responses.

To answer a few questions: a room to myself would ve perfect and I suggested this after my first was born. I'd keep is clean and tidy and could retreat there with or without thr babies as and when I need to. Buy sadly our house isn't large enough, and it would mean sacrificing an existing space.

I have always worked throughout both pregnancies. After my kids were born I switched to remote work , albeit I don't work many hours now. I could try and pick up more remote work if I moved.

I can see myself caring for my children easily. Making autonomous decisions regarding how the house is maintained, what I eat etc. I revel in the thought of such a life. What's getting me down is the other stuff - tidying up constantly, cooked 1 or 2 meals a day, walking into my step child's room or the office and being overwhelmed with mess, having my suggestions re the house or family being met with a lack lustre attitude, spending my evenings and weekends alone knowing they're out doing sports or at some social events. Part of me looks forward to them leaving the house now. I am no longer desperate for alone time with my husband or as a family. I just want my space, some order, and to be at peace.

Have a heart to heart with your husband. Meals can be cooked by whoever needs accommodating. Meal plans (I find v draining) can be a joint effort. Mess is a joint responsibility.
you aren’t alone, this is quite common. Are you reasonably introverted? You might just need to explain how it feels.
And do sacrifice that space, even just as a trial.

This, will you plan to go back to work or expect to be funded by dh? What if he wants 50:50 as he doesn't agree with your plan?

Could you afford to just ‘maybe pick up some more hours’ if you left? Is that financially viable?

With 2 kids under 2 you will be tidying all of the time anyway for a long time yet, it won’t be peaceful or easy, space, order and peace aren’t really a thing at this point in your life. And if DH has full custody of his other child he’s likely to want 50/50 with your kids, is that ok?