DMum awkward when I'm crying

[dontmeantocry]

I'm not an over dramatic person or anything, but the last few weeks have been intensely difficult. I was made redundant and then lost my dog after a sudden and swift decline in health, which was heartbreaking. I find whenever I have any kind of downtime I will cry quite easily. 99% of the time it will be in private, but over the last few months I have cried in front of my parents probably around 3 times.

DMum has always professed how maternal she is, and she is to other people - growing up, she'd happily console my best friends when they were upset, giving them a cuddle, etc. However, the last few months have made me realise how difficult my Mum finds it when I get upset. I was crying one time and my Mum phoned my Dad and told him to come in from the garden as I 'was distraught' (?) She sat on the sofa at the other side of the room and waited, and as soon as my Dad was home he came straight over and gave me a cuddle. Another time I started to cry when talking to my sister about something, and afterwards I realised she had left the room and gone into the kitchen without saying a word. When I had calmed down she didn't bring it up and just carried on like nothing had happened.

I've also been extra sensitive and little things have made me teary. Like my brother's girlfriend wrote me a really sweet card that made me cry. My Mum went 'ah that's nice'. Then when she next saw my brother and his girlfriend she said how the card had made both of us (?) cry, but she hadn't cried at all?

It's like how she describes herself as being maternal and a big hugger doesn't match up to how she is with me. I'm an adult so I'm not relying on my parents for emotional support, but you know sometimes you just want a hug from your mum?

It sounds like she gets upset at you getting upset, in a nice way and can cope with it

Hi op

you've identified that certain parts of you are not acceptable to your mum, namely your feelings. You’ve also identified that your mum is not the person she wants people to think she is. More to the point, she’s concerned with the imagined opinions of bystanders more than she is any real connection with you.

This is suffocating. It’s also a realisation many of us have had as children and adults. And alongside this you’ll be dealing with other peoples opinions and discomfort at your discovery. Some people will be so uncomfortable that they will remind you that ‘she’s your mum!’ clearly ignoring the point that you feel this way because she is your mum and you sense something fundamental that you needed is not there.

I would have a look at the ‘But we took you to stately homes’ thread. Other adult children of confusing (disordered or immature) parents there, and boy can we relate.

What would you like her to do when you cry? Ask her to do that.

I've started to realise that when people describe themselves as anything it's rarely true. Like how people that go on about how honest they are often turn out to be untrustworthy. People who claim to be highly sensitive conveniently don't seem to show sensitivity to others.

It's not wrong to want to be supported emotionally from those who are supposed to be your closest people. I'd second finding a safe space to explore and process these feelings away from the "but it's your mum" crowd.