Mansplainer no 1053 and counting..

[nobend]

Hi,
I joined a hobby group a little while ago. First one was really good. It's mostly men with a few women but all were really friendly and nice and they asked me to go back.

Second time I went back and there were a few more people. One guy made a bit of a beeline for me and clearly had some ego issues as it felt all a bit competitive. Several times he decided to mansplain what we were doing and I could sense a real lack of creativity on his part as well as skill if honest. It's a really creative group so actually doesn't need much instruction and no one else does that (sorry if this doesn't make sense but to say what the hobby is would be outing). I have experienced mansplainers many many times in different situations, work etc as I believe all women do and I'm not young. I responded by saying clearly 3 times and with a bit more gusto with each 'I don't need any instruction, thank you'. No one would have heard much of any of this I imagine. Although on the whole it was really good again, this did put me off and I haven't been back since.

Generally I have tended to slink away from these types of situations as causing any type of fuss or being angry seems to backfire ime unfortunately.

My question is, what would you do? Would you give it a miss, would you say something to someone else, would you tell him to fuck off?

I'm interested to know and if you've done anything similar and what have been the repercussions. It annoys me intensely that I can't just go and join in like the rest of them without this and there isn't much other choice where I live.

Loud enough for everyone to hear: 'Alright John, want to mansplain a little louder do the whole group can hear?'. And 'Hey everyone stop, John's got another important opinion for us all!'.

Embarass him out of it.

I wouldn't want to be hounded out. Is he the type to settle down once you aren't "new" any more? Go back a couple of times again, then you can judge if going to actually fun or not.

Well I wouldn’t leave because of one person of if I wanted to keep going. If you’ve told him straight that you don’t need the input, and he’s ignored it, maybe do it back to him? Wander over and tell him where he’s going wrong.

You say you've encountered many mansplainers over the years, and yet you're staying away from the group just because it contains one?

More fool you.

Just attend the group and either keep away from him or tell him more firmly to pack it in.

I wouldn't be put off going to a hobby that I wanted to do because of this one man. Is there a group organiser? I'd keep going and if he keeps doing it after being clearly told, I'd have a word with the group organiser and ask them to make it clear to Mr Mansplainer that he is being inappropriate and that he needs to stop.

It's tricky because we are grouped closer together because of what we are doing. I did try really firmly but he just carried on.

Just be firm with him that you are not interested in his help. You don’t have to be nice to him or smooth his ego

Then be firmer.

You're your own woman.

If it really comes to it, tell him in front of everyone that he is the reason you were considering not returning to the group.

You don't even have to say it in a snarky way, just state it as a firm fact.

Stand up for yourself. Why on earth would you slink off because of one idiot?
Chances are, the rest of the group don't really like him, either.

Does the group have a facilitator? If so, have a word with them

If you’re working closely to a few people and he starts, say “I don’t need any help/instruction” then turn and start talking to someone else.
Mansplainers are essentially demanding your attention - refuse to provide yours.

Also, if there is a group leader, let them know he’s making you not want to return.

It would be such a shame to give up on a good group. You've already told him three times. The problem with being very vocal and pulling him up loudly is that you look like a twat, not him. I'd be very clear, bordering on rude, but quietly. Ask him if he's trying to get you to leave the group. Give it one more shot. Maybe he's only there occasionally.

Thanks yes I know what you mean especially bearing in mind I am the new person. I don't think he's there all the time so I'll give it another go.

It's not just the mansplainy-ness. There was an element of competitiveness at doing the hobby which was sucking the fun and creativity out of it for me. But I'll give it another try! X

I would be clear: "I find you really obnoxious and you're putting me off. Can you leave me alone?"

That's a great line. I'll use it if it continues

Depends on the situation.

It's a creative group, so if need others to do it, say drama, then I would calmly reply "yeah I know all this I've done this before"
If it's a solo pursuit but in a group, life drawing say, then I might reply with a womansplaining response, "I used to do charcoal but fancied a challenge so am using pastels at the moment, basically charcoal with colour, have you used them before? I find you need to spend good money, and they aren't cheap, to get ones that blend smoothly on the paper"

Sort of thing.

Some people can be socially clumsy, if it wasn't done with malice, and you can accept that some compete in an empty room, you can largely let these things wash over you.

Just have your own enjoyment and belief and accept that mixed groups. in particular male dominated ones, are more than likely to have the chief gorilla vibe from time to time.

Personally I wouldn't be rude or try and embarrass anyone publically, that seems petty to me.