Would you want to spend time with a SIL and BIL like this?

[butterandcream]

SIL is DH’s older sis. They have never been close and so BIL and I have never had any hope of getting close to the other couple.

SIL has one kid who’s a lot older than our DC, but her younger one is between ages of our 2 DC. She has recently expressed that she wants us and the kids to see each other more, but DH and I really don’t feel this would benefit us or the kids.

As a couple they are extremely braggy, they talk about themselves and what they’re up to constantly and never ask many, if any, questions about anyone else, if they do it’s so they can quickly turn the conversation back to what they’re doing with little acknowledgement over what’s just been said. They are very sociable people and enjoy a lot of drinking and banter, whereas DH and I are a bit more shy/reserved. SIL also likes to tease DH a lot, like she’s not grown out of the sibling rivalry thing. Basically we’re very different types of people and it’s hard to believe DH and his Sis are related.

We have tried to spend time with them in the past and have left feeling drained. They have come over our house before, totally hungover, and just slumped on our sofa making no effort with their kids running riot and showing no interest in us, ordering a takeaway on their phone without stepping out the room type thing, It’s as if the world revolves around them and everyone is here to support their existence.

DH doesn’t want to spend time with them and he’s quite happy to leave it as that but I feel guilty over SIL and the fact she’s put herself out there, yet at the same time I don’t really want to see them much either. WWYD?

You have tried and it’s been draining/hasn’t been fun, so I’d leave it there and not feel any guilt. I’d support DH in not wanting to socialise regularly, it’s horrible having a sibling who’s rotten to you and it gets passed off because it’s ‘family banter’.

i meet my relative out at a pub cafe so I can leave when I’ve had enough

our kids are young we get them together for an activity eat a meal - leave

remove the hosting aspect and it’s less draining

It’s your DH’s issue to manage relations with his siblings. If he doesn’t want to forge a relationship, that’s his prerogative.

I get that it's awkward because your SIL has actively asked to see more of you as a couple but, if your DH is sure he wants to keep his distance and won't regret it as you all get older, he needs to find his cajones and just turn down any and every suggestion she makes. He could say "I just think we're very different people and butterandcream and I don't actually want to see more of you than we do currently. There's not hostility or anything, but we prefer the status quo."

Blimey, if I said that to my sil/bil, there'd be a fall out, it is definitively not polite!

Let your dh sort it, it's his sister. You don't need to feel guilty. You can both just refuse invitations/not attend events without resorting to telling them you don't want to see them more than currently.

I like the idea of meeting somewhere so you’re not hosting. And think of some phrases- ‘I thought you wanted us to hang out more, you’ve just talked about yourself so I can’t see why?’

Problem is, if we meet them somewhere they are still very much them
We did this a while ago we met at a park and then went for a drink in a pub garden. You’d think that was a recipe for a lovely day out but no, we’re just soo totally different to them.

How do the cousins get along ? Is it worth trying for their future relationships? I’m very close to my cousins and we have each others backs.

I’m still failing to see what the real issue is. You don’t like them because you find them self-absorbed, they don’t show sufficient interest in you, your social styles don’t match, and your SIL teases your DH. You don’t want to see them at your house, their house or at a neutral venue. Neither does your DH, whose family member it is. If there’s an awkward conversation to be had with your SIL, now that she’s expressed an interest in seeing more of you, he’s the one who has to have it. He’s happy to leave it at that. You’re the one seeing a problem. What is it that you would like to happen?

Do children like playing together?

I wouldn’t spend time around my own sister if I found it draining, let alone a SIL. You have the right to protect your peace. Let the go of the relationship, for the sake of your mental health.

The children seem to like each other when they do see each other but if I’m honest we have very different parenting styles and whilst I feel they’re a bit relaxed, they probably think I’m a little uptight. I would say the kids probably enjoy their school/nursery friends more.

I think PP is right that we just need to leave it and move forwards. I just need to try and let go of the guilt thing because of what SIL expressed about wanting to meet up more.

I think to be honest you ought to make an effort with them. You might find that if you get to know them better you have more in common. Keep meetings short and sweet, out of the house. But yeah I think you should meet them

I wouldn’t reply directly on her comment and continue seeing them only if and when it suits you. And I would see them somewhere out of the house. I would only see them for kids benefit tbh. And if challenged about not doing things together I would say that you were busy with this and that. Keep it specific rather than general.

Leave it, dont invite more of something you don't enjoy. Support your DH in this and let him reply to her. I would just see them occasionally, keep it short, and make sure it's outside so you don't have to host.