Is he/was he cheating?

[Debunked]

In March my husband and I agreed to separate. We have DS12 and DD9. Things were amicable, but we'd just been avoiding each other for too long. We're still living together and planned to do so until the end of the year for financial reasons.

Someone has just had the 'hey girlie' chat with me. She said one of her team saw my husband out last week holding hands with another woman (I was away for the week). It's been 8 weeks since we split, but I can't help but feel a lot of things are now clicking into place. The total lack of interest in sex, the complete lack of effort to fix any of the problems we were talking about, the extra hours spent at work.

How can I get evidence whether this has been going on longer than 8 weeks? I suspect it has, but if I go to him and say 'someone saw you last week' he'll just say it started post-separation. I could potentially check his phone but other than WhatsApp I don't know what to look for and I'm sure he won't be stupid enough to put anything on there. For my sanity I feel I need to know. Help, I'm a mess.

Sorry... but what difference does it make? You are done.
Would it not be better to keep things amiable for the sake of your children, rather than start a battle at this stage.
The whole separation/divorce process will be hard enough if you are living in the same house for the rest of the year.
If its over, its over... as long as he doesnt bring her into the family home.

Thank you. I would love to keep things amicable for everyone's sake. I suppose I'd like to know because it might affect how I feel in the future. I have been the main breadwinner for most of our relationship (he earns about 10% of our income) and despite that when we agreed to separate I said straight away that we'd split house proceeds equally and I would give him a generous amount every month towards his rent. If he's been cheating, I feel very used.

You’ve split so I think you should leave it and continue to stay amicable.

However, I do think it would be wise to rethink the financial side, whether he’s cheated or not.

Why give him a generous amount towards his rent each month?Id have a rethink on that one

Because he doesn't earn enough to support himself and the DC 50% of the time (that's what we've agreed). I wouldn't be happy knowing they're living in misery half their time.

We moved abroad and he's kept his salary lower to support the family so I feel it's fair to pay back as if he'd continued earning. He'd get that if we went to lawyers wouldn't he? Am I being silly?

It’s completely understandable that you want to know the truth — not just for closure, but to shift the narrative and be clear with yourself (and others) that the breakup wasn’t because of you. Even if you choose not to confront him, having clarity can help you move forward and maybe tell trusted friends or family the truth so they can support you.

Do you have access to his phone, tablet, or laptop etc? If so, check:

• Photo gallery, including hidden or recently deleted albums
• Messaging apps, especially encrypted or hidden ones like Signal, Telegram and WhatsApp archive folders. Check app downloads on his phone as he may have deletes them.
• Social media, messenger etc
• Emails including deleted / subfolders / sent etc.
• Rental agreement if he’s moving out to rented, if he’s got someone else’s name on it it’s unlikely he will have just met her
• Bank statements
• Browser history
• Phone location history: Check if he’s visited any unknown addresses frequently, or if certain visits have increased in the last 6–8 weeks. (Google Maps or Find My iPhone can show this if enabled.)
• If you suspect it was a colleague, can you ask any mutual contacts if they’ve noticed anything unusual?

Good luck. 💛

Do you really want to be paying for him and his AP/ ‘new gf’ to be living in a lovely apartment for the rest of time?

I understand you wanting to get to the bottom of what went wrong and know the truth. I would investigate to see if you can find out how long this has been going on.

I would speak to a lawyer about what would be legally required and do that. If you do extra such as paying for ongoing accommodation I would stipulate that this would only be while he was living alone. If and when he intends to live with a partner they both would need to cover the cost of their accommodation. That’s fair enough. You are not his sugar mummy. Give him time to get on his feet for the kids sake but do not commit to bank rolling him forever.

So as you divorce it is possible that some form of spousal maintenance might be required. This is not normally a long term thing though and I would be wary of setting up a payment arrangement that lasts forever on this basis.

As to if he has cheated, I would let it go. Men can be fickle sometimes and it is entirely possible he signed up to some dating site as soon as he moved out. Equally possible that he has been having an affair for months. I would not focus on this, try and focus on the mechanics and particularly making sure you do not support this man for years to come, even if you are co-parenting.

Many people work and raise dc 50 /50. He can do that now your circumstances have changed... Presumably dc attend school?

Honestly - I think you’re almost better off not knowing. Assume the worst so you don’t feel more hurt, but having all the details isn’t going to make you feel better I’m afraid.
Financially he’s probably entitled to 50% of the house, your pension etc anyway. If the kids are split 50/50 there’s no child support in either direction. The only thing you’re opting to give him is the ‘rent’ money, which as you’ve said you’ll probably want to do anyway to make sure the kids have a decent place to be. My only caveat is - if you’re abroad - are you planning to divorce there, or at home? It may be the laws and rules are different there so I’d be careful to check this out.

Get legal advice.

First, what country are you in now?
If you haven’t already, get proper legal advice as soon as possible. From what you’ve described, it sounds like you may be at risk of giving away more than is fair — especially if you’re being pushed into an overly generous settlement out of guilt. That guilt will soon evaporate if he’s been cheating.

Even if he’s legally entitled to more than 50% of assets or pensions, that doesn’t automatically mean you should be supporting him long term. He may also be eligible for benefits (like Universal Credit), and presumably he has the ability to increase his working hours or develop his career over time if kids are older and he’s 50/50. The goal should be a clean break — for your sake, but also for his. It avoids future complications if your circumstances change (e.g. illness, job loss, or financial hardship).

Be very clear with your solicitor that you do not want to be financially tied to him indefinitely. Even if you don’t have concrete evidence of an affair, it’s obvious that he’s acting in a way that protects his own interests — trying to leave with financial support while maintaining an image of being “amicable. But having an OW he will move on with. And if he goes on to have children with OW, any ongoing financial support from you would effectively be funding their life together. That is not your responsibility.

It sounds like he’s been playing a long game — going through the motions of “trying to save the marriage” to avoid looking like the bad guy, all while laying the groundwork for an outcome that benefits him. You’ve been emotionally manipulated, and now he’s positioning himself an OW to come out of the woodwork after he’s secured a ridiculously generous settlement.

So yes, be fair, be amicable if you want to — but don’t let him take advantage of your goodwill. This is about protecting your future and your independence. You don’t owe him comfort or support — especially not after long term cheating.

Thank you - that's a resounding 'get legal advice'. I've emailed a lawyer that a colleague recommended and asked for an initial meeting.

We're British but have lived in Switzerland for 8 years. I've been told we can only divorce in the UK if we both agree, and that I shouldn't agree to that as it's usually more generous to the dependant spouse. Eurgh, I really thought this was going to be amicable. I just can't face him coming back from dates to the house we still share. I feel so stupid as the last couple of years I felt really sorry for him. He appeared to be struggling to adult and I tried so hard. Feel very betrayed.

Well done for taking legal advice. You need to be your own best friend here and be a bit selfish - you’re not doing anything wrong by putting your own needs first and the needs of you children.

I wouldn’t agree to anything financially without speaking to a solicitor. I would also tell him that it isn’t going to work him living with you until the end of the year and he need to make arrangements to be out by July. Effectively you subsidising his living expenses is giving him the money to go on dates and treat his new partner.

You gave him until the end of the year in order to sort things out financially and instead he is spending money on dates. Not exactly in the spirit of you giving him breathing space is it.

Does he earn much less then you because he made sacrifices for the family?
In that case he should be treated fairly same as women in similar situation.

To a certain extent, yes. We were both in the same profession when we met, then he had a family bereavement and a mental health issue and could no longer carry on in that career. He became a teacher. Since we moved abroad he has only found patchy work (albeit paid more than he would get in the UK). So yes, I feel I should compensate him for this.

Although there aren't many fees on buying a house, estate agents charge 3% so the plan is for me to stay in the family home and he rents close by. So I guess I'd also be compensating him for 'borrowing' his equity (which he doesn't need and it happy to do).

It's all so sad because I really thought we found a new way forward but this has made me doubt everything. Absolutely nothing suspicious found on phone, and no further word from the person who saw them (despite promising to send details of when and where they were seen). Now I'm wondering if it's a mistake.

Would he possibly be entitled to MORE than 50% assets and pensions? 😦