Feeling fragile after a bad fight

[Anoushka1986]

I (38) and my husband (39) had a massive day of fighting yesterday. We are only recently married although we’ve been together for 10 years and have 2 kids. It started with me commenting that I was annoyed with him for waking me up to get up with the kids rather than just getting up with the kids himself and it spiralled into a day of fighting.

key points were that he took me commenting on getting me up as saying he never does anything around the house, which isn’t true and I acknowledged that he does things but he couldn’t get past this belief.

he feels like he is always the one apologising/having to work on things but I said that’s because he never raises things with me (except in the heat or an argument). I acknlwedeged I need to do better with cleaning.

he sees me raising things as criticisms on him as a parent/husband whereas I just see raising things as part of communication.

the conversation got heated and he ended up commenting on my weight which really hurt me as he knows I’m sensitive about it and am trying my hardest to address it. I feel like he was trying to hurt me.

hes been drinking a lot lately and I think that didn’t help the argument last night. The hardest part was the way he was speaking to me with such contempt all day, it was like he didn’t even like me.

he’s usually good but it was like a Jekyll/hyde switch and I just feel so awful now. Any advice anyone? I feel like I can’t talk to my friends about this. Please be kind in your replies.

How is your relationship generally? You say he's usually good and pulls his weight but has been drinking a lot recently.

Has something happened such as a bereavement, stress, problems at work?

Does he usually make belittling comments?

I’m sorry OP. You mention he has been drinking… is there something going on at work? The best thing really will be to sit down when toy are both calm. Don’t use expressions like “you always do this” but talk about how it makes you feel instead such as “I felt hurt by your comment about…”.

. It started with me commenting that I was annoyed with him for waking me up to get up with the kids rather than just getting up with the kids himself

This is a fair criticism. Seems to me he was deflecting massively in the resulting arguments - attempting to make you feel bad for calling him out on him not pulling his parental weight by saying how he always feels so attacked.

You acknowledged your faults around the house, what has he taken accountability for?

Thanks for all your replies.

@MiloMinderbinder925Our relationship is generally good, stable. We don’t often fight and when we do it’s not nasty ones like this one. I find he can be very defensive but he usually just responds defensively, goes away comes back and apologises with a plan on fixing things.

im concerned by the fact that he doesn’t bring things up that upset him as I think everything going fine but it turns out there’s lots I’ve been doing that annoys him.

the drinking started half way through last year. There’s no big changes but I think he uses it to manage the stress of having two young kids.

he doesn’t usually make belittling comments: he did make a comment about my weight years ago (about 7 years ago) in an argument and I was so upset and he apologised and said he’d never do it again. He usually tells me how much he loves my body so it feels like a real betrayal of trust. Weirdly he’s actually put on a fair bit of weight lately from all the beer but I wouldn’t dare say anything to him about it.

Weirdly he’s actually put on a fair bit of weight lately from all the beer but I wouldn’t dare say anything to him about it.

Is that because you're afraid of him?

Or is it because you don't want to be hurtful?

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOnebecause I don’t want to be hurtful. I don’t want our relationship to stoop to that level.

@Ph3thank you. Nothings going on at work, he just struggles with stress of family life. He’s not exercising as much as he used to because finding it hard to find time. He’s naturally quite a keyed up person and I think exercise usually helps him manage his emotions.

im glad he’s gone away for 2 days for work now so we have a bit of space after that fight.

@Leafy3he was definitely deflecting and that’s where the argument spiralled because I was calling him on his deflection. It was such a small thing that I was annoyed about I was expecting a simple apology and that would be the end of it. I find it really hard that I can’t have these simple conversations without him thinking I’m suggesting he does nothing because I know that’s not true.

the conversation ended with him feeling bad that he upset me about the weight comment, he acknowledged he needs to drink less but we still slept in separate rooms and barely spoke before he left for his work trip today. I think he still has it in his head that I think he “does nothing”.

id love to do couples counselling but its hard to find the time when we both work a lot and have two little kids. Id also love him to have therapy, i dont understand why hes so sensitive to being “attacked” he comes from a nice family, no childhood trauma.

the shit thing is that I’ve come out of this thinking of things I’d like him to change (ie drink less) and that’s going to become an issue in itself because he’s got that hang up on “I’m always the one who h has to apologise and work on things” but tbh I think that’s because he is less stable than I am . I know I’m not perfect and I definitely could do better with cleaning but I don’t say hurtful things (I don’t think it do).