Hello all.
I am 34 and was until January a long time single (8 years). I have built a career, have been a semi professional athlete, speak several languages and strong faith.
I met a lovely man through a mutual hobby last year, and we got together at the beginning of this year. However, I am struggling a bit to relax and enjoy being in a relationship, despite this being what I have wanted for so long. It is nothing to do with him. He is great. We enjoy each other's company, have so much in common, he is respectful and polite and we both get on with the other's mums. It's me who is the problem.
Here is the context about me. Will try and be brief.
It's safe to say I have had a bellyful in the last couple of years.
I was until December 2023 living overseas in Europe running my business. In that time, my beloved gran was diagnosed with heart failure. It has always just been me, her and my mum and I flew backwards and forwards to help care for her. I think I took 20 flights in total, including several emergency ones.
She died in March 2023 and I struggled. The family were useless and pushed me out of all admin processes that I really wanted to be involved in and it hurt so much.
I moved back to my home town in December 2023. I had wanted this for a while but it was hard. I was expected to adapt and be fine instantly. If I expressed that I was struggling, I got 'but that's what you chose'. Yes, it wasn't, but that doesn't mean it wasn't hard.
I was still so tired, raw with grief, I had no friends, but did my best to get out there, joined a choir, joined a running club. I was so tired, sometimes I just wanted to stay home but I made myself make an effort and put on a smiley face. I was living in a family property with the idea I could be there for a while until I got things in order to find somewhere of my own. They changed their minds and sold up, leaving me stressed and uprooted yet again.
I got to last September burned out. I started grief counselling, individually and group sessions. It was really helpful, helped me see things clearer and I put so much effort into it. I now also have a house to live in and have made it my own
Throughout all this I had one person I trusted. She got me through. I won't be too outing but we are part of the same community and I could confide anything to her. She never judged me, listened to me and I loved her like a sister. But last November, she turned on me, and put me through the most distressing and humiliating thing she could have done in her capacity. I had no warning. It was like flicking off a light switch and I was just in shock. I was 2 weeks off finishing my counselling course when it happened. I had been doing so well.
It's been 6 months now and we are tentatively starting to talk again but it is awkward. I know she does feel guilty. I haven't known life in this town without her, nor life post gran without her. I still get so upset. I think losing her has been like another bereavement.
No aspect of my life is the same. I am adapting to a whole new identity.
And in all this comes my man. He sees the good in me. He understands grief - he lost his dad a few years ago but he is several years ahead of me in the process and his circumstances were different. He had friends and colleagues to support him, I was on my own. I have been so open with him and he understands me. He never gets frustrated. He genuinely likes me, even knowing how battered I am.
I am taking things slowly and gradually with him but am finding it hard to relax and adapt. I suppose I am not used to sharing my life, but I want to be. I don't feel the desire to be together every minute of every day, and while I like him very, very much and want to be with him, I am not like a giddy teenager. I like doing things we both enjoy together - for example we went paddle boarding at the weekend and it was so fun. I want to have a happy life and have children. Planning my own routine, being in my own space is what was safe. I am not used to being touched. Even as a family, we were never touchy feely, and I struggle with this, but don't want to. He is very driven, especially in our shared (sporting) hobby. I am not at the moment. I used to be, but at the moment my confidence is a bit low to be very competitive and I get very tired. I used to be semi professional before my gran died but I found I didn't have the energy to throw myself into it. I am slowly making friends, but all relationships are still in the fledgling stage. He is such a positive person, and I try to be too, but I still get very sad, and very tired. I don't sleep very well. I do have a very healthy diet and exercise each day.
I do still have retainer sessions with a counsellor and see the ladies from my group sessions. I really want to make everything work. I thought I would just be 'the career girl' yet I didn't want to be, who would just end up watching other people form relationships and families. Now I have the chance myself, I have someone who I like and who likes me back, we both DO want to be together and I just don't want my past to mess it up.
Bereavement, international move, family not getting on, moving house 3 times in 8 months, devastating friendship breakdown. I think I used to be such a nice person with a lot going for me - except being in a relationship. Now I am, but I just feel so battered.