At the end?

[pancakesunday]

I’m posting here because I think I know the answer but I haven’t got anyone to talk to. If I mention anything to anyone he seems to find out and people tell him! (I know, unbelievable).

Ive been married for 14 years, together for 20 and have 2 children, 11 and 5. We are about to purchase a new house and I can’t help thinking it’s going to be a mistake.
I love the house and it’s perfect for us but my anxiety is through the roof. Im perimenopausal but is that a factor in my feelings? Some articles I’ve read said it might be so then I doubt myself.

I don’t particularly feel that we are “in love” and it feels forced somehow. There are periods of time where I enjoy being together but many more where I feel like I want to run away. He thinks he can fix it all by more alone time but I feel like I don’t want this. I feel like I’ve switched off from him.
I never thought I’d get to this point and I really don’t want to split up my family.

DH has a hobby which has taken over his life for the last 12-18 months and I’ve been solo parenting for most of that time. He’s also very set in his ways and blows up over the smallest of things. He goes on and on about the house not being clean enough, things not being done to the standard he wants. I don’t think he trusts me and I have suspicions that he goes through my phone.

Problems are I am a stay at home mum. Have a small amount of savings but nothing that would enable me to get my own place. The kids seem settled as we are. I feel like I live on anxiety and I hate everything (apart from my kids). The kids are the one thing that keeps me going.
Is this just a case of wondering if the grass is greener on the other side?
Any advice/comments would be welcome. I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown if I continue.

Wow, this sounds hard. Would he be open to counseling? I would recommend OP (as I’m sure everyone else will) that you get a part time job and start clawing some life back. It may be that you are just so entrenched in family life that you have forgotten you

This doesn’t come across as an immediate LTB - feels like there could be adjustments here that would help and that walking away from family life would not necessarily be the right thing.

Have you sought to manage your perimenopause symptoms? Have you spoke to DH about his mistrust/obsession with cleaning and how this affects you?

I have started HRT in the hope that it might make things better but it’s not helped with the anxiety.
I can see he is trying to make things better and we had talked about how I was feeling recently but it feels like I’m carrying round a big weight on my shoulders emotionally

I did try to get a job and applied for one but he made me feel so awful for doing it that I withdrew the application. He said his mental health was suffering and that he thought I’d get a job and then leave him. Many of my family seem to think he projects this on me when he’s the one hardly at home

Is this just a case of wondering if the grass is greener on the other side?

No, its really not. You're in a relationship with a man who is controlling. You really need your own life outside of your role of wife and mother (like he has), friends, interests, and an income.

That's awful. You should be free to make your own choices. Both of your kids are in school so its not like childcare would be an issue. He's so deeply insecure and controlling that he won't even let you get a part time job and he nit picks about the household chores and by the sounds of it doesn't pull his weight. It's not you, OP. Start applying for jobs and get yourself out there, don't let him make you feel guilty. See where you go from there..

He sounds awful, very controlling and it sounds as if your family can see what he’s like

Forget my first response - if he is preventing you from applying for a job, it’s worse than I had picked up from your OP.

I think you’re right. My priority has to be applying for a job to get some independence

OP I am just going to say it out loud, he is mentally abusing you.

Making it diffucult for you to apply for a job, or go to work
Go through your phone, most likely a projection
Throws a strop over house not being clean

Regardless of his honesty in this you absolutely need to look after your own mental health - and tell him that bluntly, your health is not secondary or reliant upon his and he needs to deal with his anxiety/fears

Whether he is controlling or paranoid you need to start work now your youngest is in school. It's normal, it's necessary

Beat of luck