Difficult relationship with step mother, how to deal with it as she ages.

[Finerthingsinlife]

I've always had a difficult relationship with my Step mother since I was a teenager. She very obviously resented my existence when I was younger which didn't help. She's a verbal bully in that she likes to dominate conversations with long monologues, berate my dad in public and wax lyrical about my Step sister's amazing childhood. Whenever I have challenged her or pushed back she doesn't take it well at all! I think she's not used to people standing up to her.

I actually feel very sorry for my Step sister and always have. She was the product of an affair my SM had with a married man who made it very clear he didn't want anything to do with her throughout her life. Her mum kept pushing her in his direction (he was very wealthy) but he kept on rejecting her which was very sad to see. She's now in her 40s, very definitely didnt want a family and has bounced from one relationship to another and is on ADs and is a functioning alcoholic. So its jarring when SM goes on and on about this idyllic childhood when it was not the reality and you can see how much pain she's carrying from her childhood.

Anyway, SM tried to latch onto my children but I'm keeping her at arms length. She's desperate to be at the centre of all news but just isn't. The reason I keep her at arms length is she's often come out with inappropriate things around them, so I don't trust her tbh. Her judgement is shocking.

I'm disappointed in my dad for bringing her into our lives and not standing upto her. He's obviously been cowed for many years and it's sad to see but I've come to the conclusion he's made his choice.

What I hoping from this thread is to just chat with others who've dealt with difficult Step parents as they age and how you dealt with it when your parent actually passed away.

This isn't a step parent bashing thread btw, I love my Step dad and I'm a step mum myself. If anything it's made me hyper vigilant in how not to behave!

Solidarity! I'm also a step parent and my Dad remarried - but after I had left home so it didn't really directly impact me.
My SM cannot bear any contact with me so in the best part of 30 years they've been together I could count on one hand the number of times we have met.
Fundamentally this is up to you. What is your relationship like now and what do you want it to look like going forward?
I massively limit the access my Dad has had to my DD as his judgement is so poor. They don't have any relationship really. DD is absolutely fine with that - he's been so marginal in her life (his choice in the main part until I withdrew contact) she doesn't feel she's missing anything.
My position has been to protect my child first and foremost.
OTOH, I think I am a pretty decent SM.

Polite but with boundaries. My dad is my responsibility as he ages, my SM is not, she has her own grown up kids for that. They are a bit useless (shock) but that’s not my problem. I would support in any emergencies, especially to help my dad out, but I wouldn’t be involved in caring for her, running around to appointments etc.

I include her in invites, would host them for Xmas etc - I’m not rude, but I wouldn’t go out of my way for her. Now there are GC involved I see a lot more of my dad as he comes to visit them & help out - it’s meant I get some proper quality time with him, rather than it always being me visiting their home.

If she’s rude or abrasive I just change the topic politely now. “That’s great, Mary. How was golf yesterday, dad?”

I enjoy having a relationship with my Dad but I've had to put serious boundaries in place which are constantly challenged.

Every time he'd call me he'd have to put it on speakerphone, so SM would lurk in the background monitoring and then suddenly start talking. You'd never know if she were there. They'd never do it with anyone else I noticed, only me. So I only talk to him on the phone when I know she isn't there.

He's getting more frail now and we don't live near them so it's been hard to see him alone. Whenever they visit she just sits in the house doing long boring monologues not caring that we're all glazing over 🙄

@Finerthingsinlife

If you're trying to maintain contact with your Dad, limit that to just yourself with the frequency that feels best for you.

SM is of zero import in your life except being able to access your Dad, don't you think?

As you say though, he has made his choice, it's understandable that you're disappointed that his children and grand children are not as important as they should be. Some do anything for a quiet life, especially those without courage.

sorry, cross posted with your 10am update.

My Mum had a long term partner and while he wasn't generally an awful person I ddin't really like him but he came into my life when I was around 30 so he didn't affect my childhood at all.
He has 2 daughters and a couple of nephews but not a great relationship with any of them and probably wouldn't have bothered at all if my Mum hadn't arranged anything and we includeed him in all of our family events etc.
When my Mum died I completely dropped the rope and told his family that unless it was an emergency (I live closer than them) I didn't want any involvement at all with him. Towards the end of her life my Mum wasn't too keen on him either but tolerated him for a variety of reasons so I feel no obligation to him at all
I may go to his funeral if his family asks me to but that will be it

It wasn't until I had kids myself that I realised how unhealthy the situation was.

I kind of just ignored it until then, then I couldn't ignore it anymore as I didn't want my kids to think this is normal.

You don't have to do anything particular as she ages. Your dad isn't your responsibility either. Anything you do, do it from choice, not obligation. If all you feel is obligated, say no. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that.

The problem with being available in an emergency, is as people age emergencies become more and more frequent. It's worth deciding how many emergencies you're willing to deal with, one a year? One a month? Before you consider they need to involve the authorities and make alternative arrangements.

And where do you stand on self inflicted emergencies? Happy to help? Or resentful because there wouldn't be a crisis if only they'd employed a cleaner, gardener, handyman or carer when they can afford it?

Otherwise you'll blink and find yourself in a situation where the emergencies are weekly, you're exhausted with no downtime and all your relationships are suffering, scratching your head as you wonder how it happened.

The thing I keep having to do is to fend her off.

I'm trying to keep her at arms length from the kids because you can't trust what comes out of her mouth at times. My DH gets really frustrated at some of her behaviour.

Honestly some of it is just a bit mad and makes me wonder if she has some kind of psychological issue. I suspect that this is the case in reality and most people just don't challenge her on it so it's been normalised.

She's trying to push to see my kids at the moment and is obviously pissed off when I put her off.

Oh god, I've just had a War and Peace length text message off her after her latest attempt to push her way into my kids lives.

It was absolutely rammed with FOG, saying how disappointed my dad is and how they need to be a priority. My dad has already seen his GC recently.

I've batted it off and stood firm but my god the manipulative twisting and gaslighting is unreal.

Try and back away from her. So next time she sends one of those monologues, just don’t respond. She’ll start to burn out of you don’t give her the attention.

concentrate on your relationship with your dad, if he doesn’t want to establish a relationship with you without being around then you have a dad problem.

I definitely have a dad problem 😔

Why does she feel she needs to be a priority? Just because she’s married to your father?

How would it go down if you told her gently that she, in particular, is not a priority to you and your family, your priority is your father’s relationship with them and you are maintaining that?

Would you like to share some of her War and Peace extract so that we can provide some outside perspective and maybe some suggestions for a response?

How far do they live from you and how often do you see your dad/her? Are they in good health? Is your Mum still in your life?

Thank you for your support 🙏

I'd be too nervous to post the message as it's too outing plus it was so long I'd have to do several screen shots!

I've already responded with a fact check on the gaslighting (short and sweet) and a 'no we won't be doing that' response. I got sad face emoji back.

We don't live near by, so visits need to be planned but we have seen my dad recently and the kids speak to him every week (whilst she's out!). So we make the effort to maintain the relationship and visit a couple of times a year. The relationship with my Dad is complicated because I haven't lived with him since I was a young child and our relationship is really based on short visits every now and then anyway. My dad isn't in the best of health but at this stage in life I can't manufacture a new relationship. He knows how I feel about her but just ignores what I say (after nodding and agreeing with me) and then seems to throw me under the bus by putting me on the spot.

I dont know why she thinks she should be a priority. I've never had a good relationship with her. I just put up with her for the sake of peace but I can't do that anymore. My mum is no longer with us sadly, so I think she's puzzled as to why I'm not letting her step into the GM shoes.

It was very very obvious that she was using my dad as emotional blackmail to get what she wants. She seems to be a bit delusional that she's more popular than she actually is. I think its attention seeking, which seems strange to say but she feels like she's this super popular grandparent. My DS is getting to an age now where he's shocked at how she behaves and has said so. I know my now ex SIL was absolutely furious with her at times because she tried to parent SILs kids in front of their mother.

Oh dear, I fear its all coming to a head now ☹️ selfishly I was just hoping we'd tick along until the end without drama. Just waiting for my golden child sibling to chime in about how upset they are 🙄

Jeez, several screenshots? She really went on a rant 🙄 It sounds like you dealt with it in the best way you could by setting her straight and just shutting down her nonsense.

Sorry to hear that the relationship with your dad isn’t great and that he’s not in the best of health. But you’re right, the relationship is what it is now and you seem to be maintaining it quite well with regular visits and weekly calls.

How old is your DS out of interest? You say that he’s now old enough to be shocked at her behaviour… what behaviour has he seen? How does he refer to her? By name or a variation of a nana nickname?

Is the golden child her own daughter? Does her own daughter have children of her own?

You seem to think that this is going to escalate? What are you afraid of in this regard? More ranty text messages or something worse? Have you had a frank conversation with you father about her overstepping and her unrealistic expectations of your relationship with her?

Sorry you’re going through this btw but your posts do read as though you’re strong and sensible enough to handle this woman and maintain your boundaries with her.

When MIL when off on on by text/email I would just reply with "OK"
Used to drive her nuts

I've added your questions in so I can hopefully cover them all:

How old is your DS out of interest? You say that he’s now old enough to be shocked at her behaviour… what behaviour has he seen? How does he refer to her? By name or a variation of a nana nickname?

He is 10. She basically had a child like tantrum (pretending to be joking but actually wasn't) when she didn't get her own way. My son basically said 'geez Granny, calm down you sound like a child!' I was bursting with pride for my little man in being so astute as to spot the strange behaviour and call it out. She does this thing where she talks in a whiny child voice to get what she wants and says she's just joking but it's so obvious she isn't and is just trying it on. My DH hates this behaviour and has snapped at her a few times. It's just weird.

She used to have a variation of the nanny name but I'm dialing that back to just her name now. My ex SIL did the same thing over time.

Is the golden child her own daughter? Does her own daughter have children of her own?

Her daughter is definitely the golden child but it's my sibling who is currently using her to do jobs for them that I'm potentially expecting a text from. But they should know me well enough to know that emotional blackmail absolutely has the guaranteed opposite effect on me. It makes me really angry and never works.

Her daughter doesn't have children and I think this is part of the problem. She was desperate to be a grandparent.

You seem to think that this is going to escalate? What are you afraid of in this regard? More ranty text messages or something worse?

Good question. Honestly I don't know. I have a lot of unresolved issues from my childhood around how these two have behaved, so I'm on fight or flight mode at the moment. I'm thinking long emails or phones calls. My DH has already said if it's phonecalls he'll jump on the call with me as they're always better behaved when he's around strangely.

Have you had a frank conversation with you father about her overstepping and her unrealistic expectations of your relationship with her?

I spent 3 hours talking to my dad about how I felt about her and he nodded and agreed with me. He even said he regretted marrying her and didn't realise what she was like until it was too late. So he absolutely knows how I feel but goes straight back to gaslighting me and throwing me under the bus.

Sorry you’re going through this btw but your posts do read as though you’re strong and sensible enough to handle this woman and maintain your boundaries with her.

Thank you for saying this.

I guess if I'm really honest, I know she's going to go ultra controlling as dad gets worse and when he dies the funeral and probate will be just awful. I'm an executor along with her and I know she'll be a nightmare to deal with. I'm dreading it.

DH and I have already discussed me getting counselling to help me through this when it happens and I know he'll be 100% by my side.

Would you consider opting out of being an executor? It's not compulsory.

Yes, I'm seriously considering this. I think it would be a smart move.

As do I. Being an executor is a faff even when there aren't any other problems involved.