Marriage on the rocks with 2 young DC..

[buttercreme]

DC are 5 and nearly 2. DH and I are 35 and 34 both working, him full time, me 4 days. I thought at this point we’d start feeling a bit more in control of life, DC2 is getting more capable and DC 1 is (very slowly) getting more independent, DC2 is also on the verge of 30 free hours so money will feel less tight.
But throw in illness, loads of bank holidays to keep busy, obligations to see family and very little help with the kids, things are turning sour between DH and I.

He tends to get up in the night more than I do, it’s not that I don’t want to get up, but he’s an extremely light sleeper and he gets straight up, when I tell him not to he’s already in the room with one of the kids. He’s very tired and seems to resent me for this yet he can’t not get up, so that’s an issue.

I’m feeling like everything I do do, so cooking, meal planning, cleaning, washing (on my 1 day WFH), paying all the bills (he doesn’t even think about money), doesn’t even get acknowledged because he gets up at night sometimes. It’s like I’m in debt to him.
He seems to have lost his sense of humour as well, I feel like we’re walking on egg shells around each other.

Any advice?

@buttercreme Having been through/ still going through this as the DH in the situation I can completely sympathise with it b though obviously that doesn't help.
What you need to remember is that in all the craziness of what is happening, the disturbed sleep, the tension you have both forgotten to communicate. The challenge you have to to make time for that and each other. Stop focusing on the competition of who does what for a short while and try to focus on how each other is feel and how you feel in yourself. DH probably feels exhausted from the wake ups and sees your WFH day (wrongly) as "time for you to do the chores". So feels like the balance is fair - which clearly it isn't.
How much time do you get to spend just as a couple? This can have a massive impact on your ability to manage these imbalances.

Thanks. We have hardly any time together except maybe 1.5 hours in the evening where we both sit on our phones and do nothing. We have tried to carve out time in the evening where we sit at the table and eat but it can just feel a bit like forced, and we’re always tired which doesn’t help.
Youre right we have forgotten to communicate. I feel like I have lost my best friend and I no longer tell him everything these days.
What’s difficult is we’re dealing with these issues, but now on top of that we’re dealing with the fact we know each other is a bit pissed with the other one. It’s hard work tbh.

He's tired op. Those broken nights really do you in.
How about booking him into a hotel for a night, let him have a good sleep and a leisurely breakfast (my dh did that for me when ours were little and he was away a lot) - it'll make everything seem a bit better for him and show him you acknowledge what he's doing.
You need to have an open conversation about shared responsibilities so he can see what you're taking on too.
And definitely make time together - I know its so hard. My DH and I started online salsa lessons on a Saturday night (as we couldn't get babysitters) and it gave us a giggle and a break for an hour from all the normal stuff. It felt forced at first but we soon enjoyed the time together again.
It's so hard with little ones but don't forget why you love each other.

@buttercreme That whole situation sounds so familiar. Every last detail. It's exhausting. You need to stop the phone thing and start to do something together, even if it is something daft like play a board game. Just something you can have fun with. That will help the pissed off bit.
I found that when you feel closer the things that piss you off normally don't, the close your bond the more you tolerate. You just need to find that bond again. Here if you need to talk /vent x

Those early years are hard on a relationship. Don't lose sight of each other, do little things to connect. I would make it a priority to work on the kids not calling out during the night. Throw in some incentives with clear expectations woven into conversations and see if that helps them be more settled.

Are you using a monitor for when the kids wake up ? Or does he just hear them, perhaps you could take turns and one of you set up for sleep in the lounge/ spare room and that way he is getting a good sleep every second night. I really think it will make a difference. Phones definitely need to go down as much as you can and try talk about this.

we have a 2 year old and had a really rough time with the sleep and we just decided to sleep separately for a while and take turns with monitor and it made a world of difference to the moods. We took time to discuss things and you would not believe , even just saying ,Friday night no tv, sit and cook together one daughter was in bed play a game and chat with a glass on wine in n sofa. Even tho it was once a week it made a world of difference. Perhaps if you can get the sleep part right you can figure out who jobs in the house are who’s on paper so that resentment is also gone .

the first years are really challenging , I think it’s so important to talk and try figure it out. Being tired is one of the worst things i feel. We are out of that stage now and back in the same bed, expecting dc 2 in September and will definitely be sleeping separately to start to manage the fatigue this time round.

hope that it gets better