Should I leave?

[mountainblast]

I'm about to hit 40, have been married for 9 years, together for 15 years and have a primary school age DC. I'm really questioning my marriage and whether this is something I want to continue in.

We've been through trials but things really took a downturn when DH parent died 2+ years ago, he started having work problems and became irritable and angry. A few months later I found he had set up a profile for a couple of hook-up sites. It totally shattered my view of him. I never had any trust issues with him but this discovery ruined everything. He assured me he had only been using the site for 'escapism' from his problems and nothing else, never met up with anyone. He promised to delete and not do it again, I agreed to trust him again. So we carried on and had some counselling. I became consumed with jealousy and began checking his Internet history regularly. It was getting out of hand, it culminated in a huge row and I have since just switched off from him emotionally, I no longer check at all and have no interest in doing so.

A year ago he wanted to move our mortgage to interest only. We discussed it and there was no real reason for it so I did not agree. He went behind my back, contacted our bank and swapped it over. I only found out when the bank messaged me to confirm the change. I confronted him and he confirmed he had gone ahead against my wishes. It then materialised that he had let his credit cards get out of control and had personal debts of over £15k that he had hidden from me. I asked for total disclosure and transparency, he has complied with all my requests.

Our sex life died when I found the hook up site. I just got the ick and everytime I think of having sex with him I think about all the search terms I've seen for his taste in porn and also the sex site profile. None of which are anything like me. I'm blonde but he was searching for brunettes. My self-esteem took a huge dive and I started comfort eating and putting weight on.

He has had anger issues and many, many verbally abusive outbursts towards me. Saying things like I'm lazy, I've ruined his life, I take all of his money. All in front of DC.

We haven't had sex for 2 years. I bristle when he touches or kisses me. I have no desire to have sex with him at all. It is not a lack of libido issue, I do have desire just not for him. I feel he does not respect me at all and is not a safe space for me. I also feel like a parent with all the checking up I've had to do and this is such an unattractive dynamic to me.

I feel very trapped financially however I do have savings and family support and I could make leaving work but it would be hard.

He is a good, hands on parent but there have been alot of arguments and so many family days ruined because of his anger. DC now tries to mediate when we get snappy or argue and it breaks my heart. DC is not seeing a healthy marriage being modelled, whilst we get on day to day it does blow up regularly and there is no real affection between us.

I recently suggested going back to counselling but he has refused. I feel like I've gone past the point of no return and I'm just sleepwalking in my marriage.

I can see he is trying and has calmed down alot but I'm unable to get past what's happened. I feel I'm just going through the motions and waiting for something else to happen but in the meantime my best years are drifting on by. I feel I've a switch that is off and can't be turned back on no matter what he does now. It makes me feel sad and that I'm now the problem for not moving on and getting over things.

So I either float along here with what I consider to be an unfulfilling maybe toxic? marriage, no real connection, but financially secure and (mostly) emotionally stable environment for DC. This feels like the easy, safe option but also that I'm selling out on myself.

Or

Say I want to leave and cause alot of upheaval and distress, enter in to financial hardship and co-parenting and all the problems that will bring. This feels selfish and self-indulgent and I'm worried about regretting it.

He says the things that have happened were a long time ago and I need to forgive and move on because he is trying and we could have a good family. I just feel lost bouncing between these two scenarios all the time and would welcome some opinions.

Why would you stay with a man with a temper, who you don't trust and aren't attracted to who lies to you and is negatively affecting your children?

Once it's gone, it's gone.
It does sound that your DC is affected by all this, so all the more reason to get out/kick out.
I did it. Took a long long time but I have no regrets whatsoever.

Based on what you’ve written I think leaving is the best option. Start your 40s off with a fresh start and you can enjoy your life again. You’ll kick yourself in 10 years if you spend more time trapped with this man. Hope you’re ok. Once you realise it’s over and you want out it is very difficult to unsee.

He is not a good parent. A good parent doesn't abuse their partner in front of their child.
This relationship is over due to his actions.
Leave for the good of your child.

@MiloMinderbinder925 this is exactly why I've posted. I feel so confused. Replies like yours help me to see more clearly.

@SnipplesI'm surrounded by women that have settled for less and have let the years slip by, I don't want that for myself but it feels so reckless putting myself first and being the driver. I have wanted out every time it blows up and think about it alot but just can't quite push the button.

This is a difficult predicament. My partner and I have been together for 18 years, and I had a period three years ago when we separated for 6 months. Like you, it felt like it was a time when we had to choose if it was worth staying together or not because I was so unhappy and sleeping separately for two years. I was also going through perimenopause and it all felt so overwhelming with stress. We decided to go for couples counselling and it worked for us to get over many stumbling blocks and repeated arguments we kept having.

The take away point (sorry for rambling) is that after so many years you have to turn inwards and decide if this is what you want. Do you choose this man? People change over so many years and so it has to be a choice - if you met this man today would you be with him? I don’t think so. Don’t get bogged down with thinking of how long you have been together, it is not worth it.

Every day is a choice.

Sadly I think you’re done. Some things are just too hard to get past and the longer you try, the more the resentment burns and it just becomes toxic. It’s hard to draw that line, but you’ll be ok x

@SilverfoxladyI feel really confused and I do feel like a period apart might clarify things, did you find it helpful? I do feel like we have both changed a fair bit. He has been so emotionally unreliable that I'm quite clinical and unsympathetic with him over every day things. My wall is up most of the time. Every day is a choice is a good mantra, really helpful thanks.

Emotional time apart was just what we needed, but the counselling helped, especially the time spent alone after sessions having food together and talking.

I think it was the very frank conversations we had were important. I asked him if he really wanted to be with me because he would come down every morning and complain about everything and look so unhappy. He never smiled at me anymore. I was very surprised when he actually said he cared. So we tried and he changed a lot since then, it isn’t perfect, but a million times better.

I would recommend just one day sitting him down and asking - do you want to be with me? Are you still invested in this marriage? Or shall we call it quits? Point out his anger issues, and say that they affect the children. He might not realise how he comes across.

Good luck, sounds like a good talk is what is needed.