Early dating

[Zara445]

It’s been a while since I’ve dated, however, when I have in the past I have an anxious attachment style - first couple of dates I’m like this is fun etc and then I get to around date no.4/5 and I start to get really anxious!

So tonight I had very impromptu date no.4 with guy. I felt super nervous even though I’ve felt really confident and comfortable on the last 3 dates (although all these dates involved alcohol) I’m not sure why I felt nervous tonight just felt quite tired and not as much energy.

The energy felt a little different too. So on the 3rd date which was only 3 days ago we had such a good night had a night out and I mentioned I wanted to see a particular singer in concert and he said right I’m going to book the tickets now and treat you. He seemed like he was excited when he booked.

Tonight he said so what do you want to do about these tickets then…he said he doesn’t even know where we are going for it …even though he screenshotted me the tickets the next day so he was clearly sober the next day.

I’m just completely out of the swing of things, I think has he lost a bit of interest tonight becuase I wasent as chatty and bubbly as I have been etc or should I stop over thinking.

It’s only 4 dates in but I just felt like he was backtracking a lot on what he had said previously. He said originally that he doesn’t like to brag or talk about his achievements tonight he told me he is completley not humble. And then we were talking about phobias and He said his biggest phobia is commitment and laughed and said no I’m only joking. Whereas previously he said he’s looking for a relationship.

I just felt the vibe was a little off. Not sure whether to go ahead and have another date with him or re-consider seeing him again.

Have you done any work on your anxious attachment style? Therapy or books?

I had some counselling last year but i probably need to do some more reading around anxious attachment styles

I think it would really help to address is as it's consistently affecting you. It must be exhausting being anxious and overthinking everything.

You can find a therapist on BACP or take a look at some books. Look into mindfulness. Beating the Blues is a free CBT course you can do online.

OP do you know what you want? who you are etc? because dating is like dating yourself too, you reveal a lot abut yourself to a complete stranger which will then feel like a huge investment, and even comes with regret, like, have you said too much, am I too bubbly, fake, or am I too quiet, too bright, and it sounds like that is something you worry about. Because you mention that you were not as cheerful on date 4. And that is the whole point of dating, that the person you are dating gets to see that side of you too, and its then up to them if they like you, and that is where your anxiety kicks in right? You fear that he may not like you because you dont like it when you become quiet, or less bubbly.

Just remember you have to like what is happening too, and if you are too worried over how he is preceiving you you will never really get anywhere because you are always in the way of your own self.

So get out of your own way, learn to love who you are, the rest will come so easily ones you just really like who you are, everything will be less of an issue, or you will care so much less about things. Do some self work, reflect what sets you off and why, then work on that, keep a diary, it helps.

I dated extensively for 3 years before I met my now DH. I had some great 1-3 dates and felt high and it was fun and I was interested in the man but then something just turned me off. And even if I met with the man one or two more times it just was done. And that’s ok. Those dates are to get to know the other person and figure out if there’s something more to explore there. And if there isn’t then it’s ok to end it and move on. I agree with @Anyonefoundmysparesockyou need to know yourself or you will end up lost. You need to also know what kind of man you are looking for.
if you don’t feel like seeing this man again then let him know. He is the one who over invested very early on as well so don’t feel like you have to keep seeing him because of the tickets.

@Anyonefoundmysparesock Thank you so much for your post. It’s really helped and I’ve saved it to keep re-reading. I will start a diary. When I’m completley alone no messaging or dating I am so happy and confident in my own skin and for the past year I’ve really enjoyed spending my free time alone (in fact I’ve craved it).

When I start dating the first couple of dates I feel really confident etc, then when I start to put that person on a pedestal - my self confidence and esteem drops - and this is the part I struggle with. i start to notice shifts and subtleties or changes in their behaviour and I start to fixate on these changes - what have I done etc.

I think writing all this down will really help.