Hello, first time posting as a nearly 39-year-old married woman with a 5-year-old daughter. I need some advice from others who have been in similar situations, especially those who are older than I and have more life experience.
I have been married to my husband for nearly 7 years. I do love my husband, my family, and I love the idea of staying together forever. Like most people, he is not perfect, and neither am I. He is a good father, and is very hands-on with our daughter, and even though at times, it does not seem it, in his eyes, he is always trying to do what is best for me.
I should have seen the red flags when we were dating. We first met around 10 years ago, and during the first couple of years of dating, we were breaking up and getting back together every 5 minutes. We would argue, he would scream at me, yell, and we just had different opinions/perspectives on different situations due to our cultural differences, mainly as he is not from the UK originally. Some of this is do to the roles of men/women in the relationship and just the way he sees things.
After a long break-up while dating, we managed to find our way back to each other and got married, had a child, bought a house and now due to do IVF again for baby no. 2.
Most or some of this past 7 years especially the earlier ones were good but then I think back to the way he controlled what I ordered in a restaurant, the weekend we got engaged or the way he screamed during most of our honeymoon for wanting to stop and have a drink or go to nice cafes. There have been really good times as well. He was there for me when I was really sick and nursed me back to better health. He stood by me when I was struggling with feelings for someone else (that I did not act on), but again, I think, was I looking for an escape?
Last year, we did break up for like 24 hours. I went to my parents, it was all very emotional and for a minute, I was relieved, but then I started panicking. I managed to fight to get back with him, but now I wonder if this was all just a mistake.
There has not been a year that has gone by since we met where he has not yelled/screamed at me, and we end up in massive over-the-top arguments about things I do to frustrate him. Mostly, it is small things like cleaning the house, if I forgot to do something, or other small things that do not warrant that type of behaviour. Sometimes it's arguments while he is driving in the car, and also not just the arguments, but the things he says. He can be very mean-spirited and has phrases that he sometimes thinks it is funny or a joke. The one that always hurts the most is when I am told I am selfish.
Like, for example, last night I forgot to do something was in bed sleeping. He told me to due to immediately at midnight. I said I would schedule it in the morning and that I would give him my word. His response was "Your word does not mean * to me anymore (basically a swear word related to the bathroom that I do not think I can type here due to rules, maybe).
One thing I want to highlight is that when this happens, I become extremely mentally unwell. I crawl in a ball sometimes, my hands shake back and forwards, I mentally shut down, and he can still be sitting there yelling/screaming at me when I am telling him to stop and explaining my anxiety during the situation.
We always have these arguments, but then the next day, he is fine, or when I get extremely upset, he apologises, hugs me, and everything is fine. He says it is the couples who fight that love each other.
We also have very different ideas about life and what our priorities are. He is very much north, and I am south, if that makes sense. He wants a football team of kids, and I would be happy not having any more or maybe just one more, as PND with my first was so severe.
Writing all of this out makes my marriage sound so bad, but it's just life and not all bad. I feel part of the issue was that we never do anything together as a couple or family. We both have full-time jobs and a side hustle each. We have never slept in the same bed due to his snoring. I am not even sure if I am attracted to him anymore. He is not ugly to me, or I think, after 7 years of marriage, it's hardly the honeymoon phase, so I try to see this as normal.
I do not hate him, and for a long time did not want to even consider thinking the word 'leave' as it was too triggering. I thought what would become of me if I left. I am approaching 40, and my goal was to have like 3 kids and be planning family holidays and working on our goals. I could probably tread forward, do this, but mostly I would be unhappy, as he always fights with me, and that is never going to change.
Would I turn around at 60 and just cry regretting my life, if I do not do something to change my circumstances?
Lately, I have been thinking about the idea of preparing to leave. I do not drive and depend on him to get to work, so I would need to learn to drive first.
I am not just here for comments to confirm my feelings, as I believed in vows and as a catholic saw these as a sacrament but I am just miserable like 50% of the time and try to find joy in things I enjoy. Lately, I am happier when I am in the office. He always says that if I did not do the things to hurt him, he would not react in that way and tells me I do not listen. Maybe I don't.
Most of all, I want to think about what is best for my daughter. 95% of the time, she is witness to me crying uncontrollably when we argue, and she hears how my husband yells/screams/goes off like a fire verbally. He has never hit me. Like a month or 2 ago, my daughter was wiping away my tears when my husband was screaming at me. Whenever we do fight, he is always the first to say in anger, Let's get a divorce, If you do not want the marriage, there is the door; sign the divorce papers.
I also have to hide who I am in a way, and what I want to do. For example, he has pretty strong beliefs on things like tattoos, botox, fillers, and if I say I want anything like this, I would have to hide it. I could not hide a tattoo, but I do not want one of those anyway. When we first met, I did not have anything like this. I felt I had to hide, but as I get older, I want botox, and I could not do this and tell him.
To end this, the main thing from his perspective which makes him angry is that he says he does everything. He is very hands-on with our son, as I was unwell when he was born, so it just went that way, but as we have grown, I do loads more now. He also says I do not keep the house clean/tidy, and that he does it all, but I just see it as living a busy life with children/work and trying my best. He wants the house to look like a show home and be tidy all the time, but lately he has just stopped cleaning altogether. It is me picking his clothes up, putting them away, trying to hang the washing and doing stuff, etc, around the house.
Can I ask, has anyone ever been in a similar situation and then gone on (within time) to meet someone else? I don't know if I would want to get married again, but I hate the idea of being alone.
My biggest reason for never wanting to leave in the past was that I did not want to say be at my daughters wedding one day and he my husband with someone else and for us to have split our son between us and how this would realistically work. I also have struggled a lot in the past with my mental health, and I do worry he will use that against me. So for a while I was coasting along thinking, if I could go back and do it all again, I would do it differently, but now just make the most of the cards you have been dealt.
I don't know if I can continue like this, though. I know this has been a long one, and I see similar threads on here as well. Thanks for reading.