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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend didn’t want to sleepover. Should I be offended?

49 replies

prettyinpink23x · 05/05/2025 11:56

We have been dating for 7 months. I became his girlfriend in December.

We both still live with parents looking to move out soon. It’s very rare we get a chance to stay over. Last month his parents went away so I stayed overnight. We have stayed overnight in hotels together. Yesterday my parents went away for the night so I invited him to stay. We went out for the full day and then he cooked for us and we watched a film. It got to 23:30 and he said I may sleep in my own bed tonight, you have a 3/4 double and Im tall.

I took offence to it and said we rarely get to sleep over together and he said Im sorry I am a bit of a loner and like staying in my own bed you’re the longest relationship I’ve had but I like alone time too. I understand this but it still hurt my feelings and I like alone time too but Ive still slept over at his before.

I think he doesn’t love me as much as he says he does because surely he’d want to spend as much time with me as possible when staying over is rare?

What do you think?

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 05/05/2025 15:40

surely he’d want to spend as much time with me as possible when staying over is rare?

I don't particularly like sharing a bed. I'd also have described myself as 'a loner' when I was younger

I'm not but I do need a lot of time to myself to decompress and often prefer to sleep alone.

I'm 50 and have been with my partner for nearly 4 years. My daughter left for university last year and I'll quite often go and sleep in her bed if I'm having a "just need to be on my own" night.

It says nothing on its own about how he feels about you. Just that he's his own person with his own needs and sometimes they won't be the same as yours.

Sunbline · 05/05/2025 15:43

surely he’d want to spend as much time with me as possible when staying over is rare?

It sounds like he spent time with you up to going to sleep when you'd both be asleep anyway. I do see your point, but unless there's other issues sounds like he was just honest, some people are more comfortable in their own home and a small bed is wildly uncomfortable for 2 people.

NuffSaidSam · 05/05/2025 15:50

This wouldn't be a problem for me. Your bed being too small is a fair excuse. I'd always rather sleep in my own bed tbh. If we'd had a nice day together and sex already I'd have been pushing him out the door at 11:30pm tbh.

But if this didn't work for you that's fine too. Everyone has different needs. I'd speak to him about it. The one thing that all relationships need is open and clear communication. This is the real test, not whether he once turned down a sleepover.

whitewineandsun · 05/05/2025 15:55

surely he’d want to spend as much time with me as possible when staying over is rare?

He was with you for almost 12 hours. And it's not like he avoided sex with you. Some of us need time alone after a full day with people, whoever they are. As said, if that's not acceptable to you, then he probably isn't for you.

GingerPaste · 05/05/2025 16:18

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 05/05/2025 12:27

I'd be very wary - he's already laying the ground with the 'I'm a loner' and 'you're my longest relationship'. It suggests to me that he's going to be unavailable a lot later in the relationship, and that he doesn't have the relationship experience to know how unreasonable this is.

This. Full steam trouble ahead, probably!

Original poster

prettyinpink23x · 05/05/2025 16:22

GingerPaste · 05/05/2025 16:18

This. Full steam trouble ahead, probably!

Show quote history

Why do you say that

OP posts:

2JFDIYOLO · 05/05/2025 16:22

Hmmm...also seeing several / lots of possibilities.

The 'I'm a bit of a loner and you're my longest relationship' thing may just be he feels it's moved too fast (for him) and he's just putting some brakes on to take it slower.

Or could be a red flag, warning you not to get too comfy and entitled - because he's keeping his eyes and his options open.

Maybe he just wanted a leisurely poo and was being shy.

Or could be that he hates your mattress, it gives him backache, the bed feels claustrophically small, will keep him awake, or he's just not used to actually sleeping in the same bed as another person.

Also ... Are you sure you don't snore? Thrash around? Talk in your sleep?

Buy a grown up size bed.

PunnyEagle · 05/05/2025 16:24

Yes you are right

GreyCarpet · 05/05/2025 16:33

prettyinpink23x · 05/05/2025 16:22

Why do you say that

Show quote history

Because some people on here like to stir up trouble.

Some people on here can't imagine anyone feeling anything other than the exact way they do.

Some people on here think a man should sacrifice himself for a woman and go the extra mile and do whatever she wants regardless of his own needs and, if he doesn't, he's wrong.

Hpwever, most people understand that people are individuals and have their own needs that don't always coincide with someone else's.

Yes, some men are arseholes and treat their girlfriends badly, lie, cheat, breadcrumb and manipulate but most just want the same from a relationship as women do. That doesn't mean it will always look exactly the same though.

What's important is being able to talk to someone about how you're feeling and express any concerns you have. How they respond is important. But someone ot wanting to stay the night after you've spent 14 hours together isn't a red flag.

Coming over for an hour for sex and leaving again is. Never considering you or prioritising you is. But just having different needs to you? No.

Incompatible needs can make a relationship unviable but that still wouldn't make one person right and the other wrong.

Justfreedom · 05/05/2025 16:36

He`s spent all day with you op and now he wants his own bed.
I love my bed and i dont want to sleep in a small bed with anyone.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 05/05/2025 16:42

Loopytiles · 05/05/2025 12:55

He should have mentioned it much sooner if he wasn’t wanting to stay.

If he was into you and able to compromise the small bed wouldn’t be a big deal for the occasional night.

The ‘loner’ comment and 7 months being his longest relationship seem red flags, unless he’s young.

I think both the BF and the OP are quite young, given that they both still live with their parents.

GingerPaste · 05/05/2025 17:50

prettyinpink23x · 05/05/2025 16:22

Why do you say that

Show quote history

Because what he’s saying (he’s a loner, likes being alone and 7 months is his longest relationship) suggests things aren’t going to go well. Also, you’d think he’d jump at the chance to have a night alone with you (small bed or not).

FortyElephants · 05/05/2025 18:12

GingerPaste · 05/05/2025 17:50

Show quote history

Since they both live with their parents they are probably early twenties at most, so it's not that odd he hasn't had a long relationship. And why would he want to potentially lie awake all night next to her rather than sleep in his own bed?

Communitywebbing · 05/05/2025 18:12

He’s right that your bed is too small for two. I might have gone home in those circumstances. Maybe it’s time to find a place together with a double bed, or for one of you to move out from home anyway.

BrightGreenPoet · 11/05/2025 23:34

Sounds like you're feeling insecure. It sounds like you two had a lovely day together that ended in an uncomfortable bed. You shouldn't feel rejected over this, your bed should feel rejected. It wouldn't be nice for him to spend the whole night unable to sleep. Next time just make sure you have somewhere more comfortable to sleep, no big deal. Air mattress, pillow fort, tent, whatever.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 12/05/2025 08:56

FortyElephants · 05/05/2025 18:12

Edited

Show quote history

But how many posts do we see on here from women later in their relationships with the 'I'm a loner' types, bemoaning the fact that their 'D'H is off doing his (identifiable) hobby every weekend and most evenings a week, leaving them alone with the children and housework? While the man says 'well, I TOLD you I was a loner... and I need time away from the kids and house and mess and noise...' etc etc?

Boreded · 27/05/2025 00:28

Going to make an assumption about age but it will be right.

I’ve got you both under 21, he got what he came for, then went home to play Xbox with his friends.

Boreded · 27/05/2025 00:29

Also didn’t mean to resurrect a dead thread, it showed up on me trending for some reason

RedRock41 · 27/05/2025 00:35

Few things could be going on - maybe spending all day together was a bit much for him and he wanted to decompress. Just need to take folk as they are. He maybe hates small beds or it is new to him having a longer relationship. Wouldn’t of been much fun coercing him into staying over if he didn’t want to. Get that you wanted him to but part of a relationship also accepting the other person might have different needs to yours. He needed space, you wanted togetherness. He already cooked and spent the day with you so it’s a bit of a stretch to leap to the conclusion that he doesn’t love you the way you’d like.

asnever · 27/05/2025 00:41

How old is he?

Pisspotical · 27/05/2025 00:55

Me and the hubby still have a 3/4 bed. We are not small either. He even cut two rows of mattress springs off a cheap double 4’ 6” mattress and I placed the reinforcement foam back in the side and sewed it up. We both find the bed adequate. We do like economising however and probably take matters a little far.

Cheffymcchef · 27/05/2025 00:56

Is he autistic?

i am, I need my own space, and it took me many months to be ready to sleep over at my boyfriends place. Now I’m used to it, I stay there every week. But it did take a while.

Poiuytrewqa · 27/05/2025 00:59

Nah, who leaves at 11:30pm when you haven’t been together long? I’d be upset too.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/05/2025 09:21

Poiuytrewqa · 27/05/2025 00:59

Nah, who leaves at 11:30pm when you haven’t been together long? I’d be upset too.

The first time my then boyfriend stayed over at my flat, he suddenly leapt up at about 1pm and said “oh bugger, I left the boiler on, I’ll have to go back.” 😁

I wasn’t sure at the time but we’ve recently celebrated our 36 anniversary, very happy together and looking forward to our retirement flat.

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