Do I tell my parents I’m allergic to metal after they bought me a necklace?

[JenJuni]

Ok Mumsnet I need your wisdom!
It was my birthday last week, and my parents bought me a beautiful necklace I won’t be able to wear.
I became disabled in my early thirties, following negligent mesh implant surgery.
I then had a run of quite crappy birthdays (two years in a row I was recovering from major surgery, then I’d just had a breakup, one year there was drunken abuse).
This year was nice, I went for afternoon tea with my parents.
They surprised me with a necklace; I think it’s white gold or silver with a beautiful tiny sapphire.
I’m not a materialistic person but the fact they went and chose it made me feel special for the first time in forever.
Since becoming disabled, everything is about practicalities and scrabbling to meet my care needs and I feel like a burden, a lot.
Dad was pretty proud to give it to me.
He’s also having pacemaker surgery in two weeks and anything he chose feels special.
However.
I am very allergic to metals.
In my twenties I had allergy tests done and I remember reacting to gold and silver pretty badly, and the consultant saying I could only wear titanium or platinum.
I’ve ended up with cellulitis and on antibiotics after my hand completely blistered up in reaction to the metal in my mobile phone.
I couldn’t wear any necklaces even as a partying student; I’d always get a scabby rash all round my neck. This includes if I wear it over a roll neck.
Since my surgeries my allergies have got even worse and I have to take mast cell stabilising drugs every day.
What I’d really like is some pearls on a silk cord and I’ve found a local jewellery designer who can do it completely metal free.
But do I:
A. Keep quiet because my parents were trying to do something lovely for me, and proudly chose it, and have the stress of Dad’s surgery right now, and when I eventually lose my parents I’ll have something they chose, to hang on to?
B. Tell them, because it’s a waste of their money, they’ll never see me wear it, and I could have something that I can wear and enjoy (that I’d love to brighten up outfits too)?

I'd keep quiet personally given the circumstances. You could display it as an ornament rather than wearing it.

I'm also allergic to metal and don't wear jewellery. It doesn't stop my mother buying it though. I do keep it.

Have you tried painting it with a barrier? I know that works for some people. It didn't work for me when I tried it with earrings.

Keep quiet.

can you put some kind of varnish on it? I used to put sellotape or clear nail varnish on the metal backs of watches to stop the metal being in contact with my skin.

Ffs how could your own parents not know that about you? Say you love it but won’t be able to wear it due to your metal allergy and ask for a gorgeous scarf or similar instead. It’s not particularly thoughtful so of them to get you something so unsuitable.

Bizarre - they'd buy this for you.
What's you relationship like?would they blow up if you said anything?

My mum would be annoyed if I didnt say anything

If you keep it could you see about getting it plated in platinum?
Its not as expensive as you think.

Thanks for the input everyone.
They know about my allergies (Dad even took me to the hospital for the cellulitis) but just don’t seem to have put two and two together. I think it’s just the stress of everything else getting to them.
Our relationship is strained since my disability but they won’t have done this on purpose.
Sadly painting the back of it won’t work.
Fascinating idea to plate in platinum! Honestly I’d really love something I can actually wear and I don’t massively suit silver. But it’s sort of love and discretion versus what I actually would like, fighting in my head!

I wouldn't say anything at the moment. If they notice you not wearing it and ask, you can say then?
Can your jeweller set the sapphire into a platinum ring for you? That way you have their gift and can wear it.

I would explain to them, bet they will be fine and feel a bit daft about not remembering. Hopefully they can take it back or switch it for pearls .

Have you assumed silver/white gold ? It could be platinum get it checked.

Your parents sound lovely. They have bought you such a thoughtful gift that they probably spent a fair amount of money on.

Palladium is a good metal for those with allergies. Much cheaper than platinum.

Or as a PP said, have it platinum plated. But I think it’s your issue to deal with, rather than potentially making them feel uncomfortable or guilty for not thinking enough about the present.

It’s a lovely gift and they sound like they would feel very proud to see you wear it

I would just be honest. I would tell them it was so beautiful but I just cannot wear it due to the allergy. Ask them to choose one in titanium becaise it's more special if they choose it.

Do you know where they got it from? Like does it say on the box? I’m just wondering if you can find out the returns policy first.

i would definitely say something so they haven’t wasted their money as perhaps you can exchange it but this wouldn’t be a big deal in my family. Also, find it odd they didn’t know about your allergy.

Yes it says the name of the store. It’s from a small independent store and I agree best to find out refund policy first, but they haven’t answered the phone or my email :-/

I had a thought; I could get it turned into a brooch. I’m not a brooch person at all, but on a thick lapelled coat I’d likely get away with it, allergy wise. I approached my mum to really gently to suggest this. It’s really tough because if I just say I have a metal allergy without giving any evidence, she’ll dismiss me and say I’m too anxious etc. If I point out the positive allergy tests with a consultant allergist (that she actually paid for with her work BUPA when I was younger), the hospital time for cellulitis after reacting to metal etc, she’ll feel silly but deal with this by lashing out at me. Both things happened in the conversation and she accused me of hating her taste, even though I said three times that I loved it and wanted to find a way I could wear it. It’s kind of lose/lose for me as I’d be enemy number one if I didn’t wear it too. I’ve managed to get her to agree we’ll turn it into a brooch and she won’t tell Dad until after his op, so I guess we are sorted 😬

I have a similar allergy to nickel and have had family members assume that silver or gold are fine. I can only wear titanium or platinum.

I would either sell it and buy something you can wear or as someone else suggested, use it for display.

Do tell them. Otherwise they will probably ask why you aren't wearing it or think you don't like it. Just remind them of your allergy and ask if they'd like to go with you to choose something you can actually wear. I'm sure they will be fine about it!

Just a thought. Lots of people work in resin these days. Could you reach out and chat to someone? Sadly, it would mean extra expense on your part but perhaps they could keep the chain and setting …

https://www.google.com/search?q=resin+jewellery+uk&rlz=1C9BKJA_enAU811AU811&oq=resin+jewellery+uk&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyCQgAEEUYORiABDIICAEQABgWGB4yCAgCEAAYFhgeMggIAxAAGBYYHjIICAQQABgWGB4yCAgFEAAYFhgeMggIBhAAGBYYHjIICAcQABgWGB4yCAgIEAAYFhgeMggICRAAGBYYHtIBCDUwMDlqMGo5qAIJsAIB&hl=en-GB&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

That’s ingenious…thank you!