Lonely and debt

[JaneSR]

Bank holiday - sat alone. My husband had told me we would go out for the day but he got up, argued with me and went to golf leaving me alone and lonely. I begged him not to go. The arguments - he is in debt and blames everyone but himself. I work hard, pay for the house, holidays and everything - he contributes £1500 a month (a fifth of monthly costs) - this month he gambled and is out of work until next month. I am down £1500 because he couldn’t pay me which I rely on so have nothing and into overdraft. He says he runs out of money this week and not sure what we will do - he calls me a narcissist when I say I have nothing and tells me I am not listening to his problems. He is expecting me to magically find money from somewhere. I resent him - I buy nothing for me and now this. Can’t stop crying.

I'm really sorry to hear that. You know he started an argument so he could storm out, don't you.

Sounds like you're a golf widow and saddled with someone who has no respect for you. He's completely taking you for granted and you need to take control.

I would get as far away from that loser as you can or you will be crying forever!

Thanks. I have lost all my confidence. Just lying in bed, can’t stop sobbing. Can’t see a solution - he says he will only
leave if I pay him back all the money he has contributed - just don’t see any way through. Every penny I earn goes into a house he doesn’t lift a finger in, I have no friends anymore and scared of the next couple of weeks and him begging money off me I don’t have

Why do you stay with him? Sounds like you would be self sufficient on your own, what are you afraid of? Your own company?

i have not an ounce of confidence or self worth left

I can guarantee you it will come back once you split with him. He has got you right where he wants you, paying for everything and then pleading for scraps of affection. Just finish it, you have one life and it will be better without him in it.

Your monthly outgoings are £7,500?

you must have a good job and prospects to fund this life. Do you have children?

Your outgoings are 7500 ?.

Who's house is it ?

My house, every penny I have goes into it and the bills and school fees (have one child) - no disposable income left each month. In overdraft this month as he hasn’t contributed a penny. Had no Christmas, birthday or Mother’s Day presents. Never expected my
life to end up like this - all I have ever done is work hard

I don’t think your husband is in a financial position to blackmail you. Start keeping an extremely close record of household bills, who pays etc. Then speak to a lawyer. You need to leave or he will destroy your life. You only have one precious life, and you need to protect it.

Have shower, get dressed, sit down and stsrt planning your escape. You can get some really useful advice on here from women who have gone through this.

There is always a way forward into a better life for you and your child.

I’m sorry OP. That’s really tough. Bottom line is your lifestyle might be more expensive than either of you can afford. If your DC is in private school and house not comfortable in terms of mortgage repayments something has to give.
DH sounds a right catch, not! Go see a divorce Solicitor. He’s deluded if he thinks you will need to pay him back what he’s contributed. That said if you are the higher earned % split can depart from 50-50. Best think about rock bottom is there is only one direction to go in. He’s never going to get it, be financially mature etc so your choice is take it or leave him. Rebuild your life, self esteem and if he expects you to bail him out next two weeks don’t.

Where have your other children gone ?

This!
How long have you been married? Is he the father of your child?

14years and yes it’s our child

Go do something today with your DC. Go see a solicitor next week. You don’t need him and you certainly don’t need to let him teach unhealthy relationship dynamics to the DC. I’m saying this as a lone parent for 15 years with a mortgage and private school fees too, just cut the cord. Once you stop bearing responsibility for this man child you will feel better.

How long has he been in debt, is it a recent thing, does he intend to earn more and pay his way.

Oh I’m so sorry to hear about this. He sounds like such a bell end! You deserve so much better. Don’t let him waste any more of your life. Bloody cheeky that he owes you money and he’s going to golf, let alone everything else you’ve mentioned x

Look you pay it all anyway, tell the dead weight to leave. You won’t be financially worse off.
He wants money back, worry about that 6 months down the line.
With him gone, bills will be less (shower/water, food and fuel). Slowly you will feel better stronger and capable again.

See a shit hot divorce lawyer ASAP. He's a loser and this will never get any better while he's in your life.

He's a lousy dad as well.

I hope you feel better today OP and that you find the strength to rid yourself of this parasite.

Parasite is exactly the right word here.

Divorce him and rebuild a better life for you and your child. This is no way to live.

PP was right. You have no self esteem as you are living with him.
You will regain your esteem and yourself when you no longer live with him. .

Speak to a lawyer. There absolutely is a way to escape him and find yourself again.

You are clearly a high earner. You are in a great position as you can afford to live without him. So many women don’t have this asset. You do. Capitalize on it and get free.

Divorce him. You need to so you can separate from him financially before he runs up more debts. You are married so those debts could end up being half yours, you don't want them getting bigger. He's an addict and a bad husband, he's treating you appallingly.

See a solicitor about divorce ASAP, don't tell your husband until you're ready to, which should be after you've got all the financial information you need.

Get the house up for sale ASAP, neither of you can afford it. Just don't buy another house with him, stall over that part.

His intentions are irrelevant. He is a gambling addict. He's lost at least £1500 this month alone and will be running up more debts. If OP stays married to him he will drag her down financially as well as emotionally.

Even if he says he'll get help for the gambling, she still needs to divorce because it's not a good idea to be financially linked with a gambler. It needs to be a situation where any debts he incurred are his alone and nothing to do with OP. Divorce is the only way to achieve that. If OP is wise she won't continue to house him or fund his living expenses either while he disrespects her by wasting all his money.